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Realationship Problems!

By November 8, 2010 - 11:06am
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I have been with my boyfriend for 4years now and the last 2years have been really hard on both of us, we fight everyday pretty much and mostly it will be about stupid things. When i try to tell him nicely about how i feel about something he has done or something he could do to help the relationship out he takes it as a threat and we start argueing at the end of it, it is me that says im sorry because he can never see that it is his fault. we pretty much live together when he isnt staying at my house i am staying at his house. I talk to my friends about my problems and they all tell me the same thing to just leave. but it isnt that simple i cant just give up and leave someone i love.

We used to have sex alot and then it just started cutting down and now we have sex maybe once every 2 weeks if im lucky twice. i feel like the guy because im always asking him to have sex and most of the time he will say nuh im to tired, when he can stay up and play video games even after he gets back from work. He rather wank than have sex with me because he does it all the time. i dont get it, i dont know what to do.

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Im 18 years old and i have been in relationship for 2years now. during this time, my boyfriend had a severe accident in which he broke his back n still its almost a year he cant walk properly. I really wanted some advice that i love him so much and i cant leave him. After the accident he has changed alot. He loves me alot and i know that and he wants to marry me aswell. But the thing is that although he loves me alot he doesnt care about me. he cn go to an exent of hurting me. he has no feelings after his ccident. he wont care about me. not making me feel good nothing. Obviously every girl wants tht but he doesnt treat me tht way. which really hurts me. he loves me i cn guarantee that but his feelings of being perfect boyfrnd is not the same. hes not the perfect guy i wanted. but i love him so much tht i can litrrly do anything for him n i cant leave him. Please advice needed

November 19, 2012 - 11:54am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I noticed you said "He loves me alot and i know that and he wants to marry me aswell. But the thing is that although he loves me alot he doesnt care about me."

That doesn't make any sense. If you love someone you DO care about them and you show them that.

I think your boyfriend may need some kind of therapy (mental, not physical) in order to come to terms with how his life has changed. He may be taking out your frustrations on you. Why are you so sure he loves you if he treats you so badly? Or do you just really want to believe he loves you the way you love him? At 18, you have your whole life ahead of you and I hope your boyfriend makes a full recovery. But please don't feel that you must stay in a bad relationship simply because he had this terrible accident. You love him but you are very unhappy. So is he. Suggest therapy to see if you can work this out together.



November 19, 2012 - 1:26pm

i have been with my husband for 3 years now and when we fisrt started out we all the time huged up on the couch to watch movies held hands everywhere we went and when we went to bed at night we huged up together and now over the past 3 years its gotten to where he says he cant huge up to me on the couch cause it hurts so that was ok but now we don't even lay close to each other in the bed cause he says it hurts we don't ever touch anymore and only have sex once a week he says i to needed and now he has gotten to where he tells me all kind of stuff he don't like about me i love my husband so much and is so scared he don't love me anymore and is only stayin with me cause of our 2 year old son can someone plz help me and tell me what is goin on i'm 22 and my husband is 27

November 9, 2010 - 7:55am
(reply to TiffanyB1917)

I strongly suggest marriage counseling before this gets worse. Your husband saying "it hurts" to hug up against you on the couch or in bed sounds like an issue that he needs to discuss with someone. Him telling you all the things he does not like about you is not something you need to put up with, and if he will not go to counseling, you should definitely go alone.

It is hard having a 2 year old (I have a 4 year old and a 7 month old, both boys). It is stressful on a marriage, and both people need to take extra steps to make the marriage work. He sounds like he is going in reverse, and I hope he can communicate with you in more respectful and loving ways. You can at least tell him that you do not need to hear any more negative things about yourself.

Read my response above about counseling, as there are many resources available. I wish you the best!

November 9, 2010 - 2:49pm

Thanks for your reply.

I really do want to work things out otherwise i would have left a long time ago. The thing is that we sit there after an arguement and promise that we are going to change and we discuss the things that we need to fix, and a few days later we are back to square one. Im not trying to put the blame all on him because i know that i need to change things to. Lately i have actually stuck to my word and stoped argueing over small things that dont need to be argued about. And my problem with him was that he isnt romantic, he doesnt take me anywhere nice, doesnt take me out to dinner, barley kisses me or has sex with me. And now the reason why we argue is i will try and sit down and talk to him about it and say that he hasnt really been trying and he will take it as a threat and say i have been trying when clearly he hasnt, its like talking to a brick wall. He is a beautiful boyfriend he doesnt do anything that he isnt supposed to do. He is mature in the way that he is almost 20 and doesnt want to go clubbing or strip clubs or whatever young people do these days, in that way i can say that he is truly amazing and i thank him for that. but i still need to feel the love at the end of the day and its just not showing as much as he says he loves me words are words and i need him to show it.

Couples counseling is a good idea although a while back we actually discussed it and we both agreed that we would go, but the cost is just to much. so i need something else for now until we can both come up with the money to do so.

November 9, 2010 - 1:50am
(reply to XxSabrinaxX)

You may try reading a couples counseling book together, and come up with a time for a "session" every week. It would be much harder to do this, as a counselor is worth their weight in gold as a third-person to hear what is going on in your relationship. Start calling around to counselors, as if either of you work full time, your employer may offer EAP (employee assistance program) that is free (and confidential and anonymous). Universities have free counseling centers for students. Other counselors work on sliding-scale fees, or work with your health insurance. Lastly, if you live near a University, students earning their higher education degrees need to practice on couples...and you would be perfect!

A man is not mature by definition of not going to strip clubs! :-) He probably is a great guy, but he may not be the best person for you. A healthy relationship is one where you BOTH bring out the BEST in each other. You should not have to be second fiddle to video games, or feel like you are talking to a brick wall. Relationships do not always last, and this is what dating is all about...finding that person that is lovely, connected, in love with you, brings out all the fun, giddiness and joy that is inside of you. They bring out all your best parts and help support you and make you a better person...while you do the same for them. You both sound like you are bringing each other down. You do not live together, since you have separate places, so make some changes in how you see each other and relate. If he will not "wine and dine" with you, then go out with friends who know how to have fun (in responsible ways, of course). If he will not talk with you, find friends who will. Eventually, you may find yourself spending your time with friends, family and alone...all of these times may be more enjoyable than spending time with your boyfriend, and this will help show you what you need in your life.

You have choices; don't feel like a victim. You can choose to be with someone who makes you feel happy, in love, loved, worthy, sexy, spontaneous, smart, funny...and you bring out these qualities in the other person, too. If this is not happening on MOST days, then you can choose to find someone who DOES.

November 9, 2010 - 2:45pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Just reading this makes me cry because i am going through all of this too. It hurts me so bad. we just had a baby wich helped reduce the fighting but he still makes rude comments twards me as if i am a bad mom. I hate this. I love him so much but he is not affectionate twards me and hasnt been for over a year now. the only time we are getting along is when we play video games. (i know those are for kids but that is the only thing that brings us together) i just dont understand why things wont get better. I try and try and try to just talk to him about it but then we agree to work on things, he gives up a few days later. i cry all the time hoping one day he will have a heart.

November 9, 2010 - 8:25pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to I_love_him)

Hi I_love_him

I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with a newborn baby.

However, he is being verbally abusive to you and this is not acceptable. You do not have to live with someone who talked to you like this and causes emotional distress. The reason you get on well while playing video games is because you are having no real communication with him at that time and that's just not good enough. It's like saying "we really get along when we're not together".

I think it's time to talk to him about making some hard decisions in your relationship. Get couples therapy (and individual, if necessary) or face a broken marriage. I'm sure you don't want that I don't advocate that either but this current status cannot continue.

Let me know what you think and my best to you,

November 10, 2010 - 12:58pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Sabrina

Thanks for your question and welcome! It sounds like you're having a rough time.

If you have been together for four years and have fighting almost daily for the last two years, then clearly your relationship is not working and change is necessary unless you both want to end things (and it sounds like you want to work on it).

However, if your boyfriend indicates he does not want to work on things, then you're at a bit of an impasse. It sounds like both of you are just used to being at loggerheads and both of you seem to accept this as the way to live (I say this based on two years of this - many women and men would have walked away a long time ago or done something about it). This kind of lifestyle is a horrible way to live and should not be par for the course in a relationship that should be based on love and mutual respect.

You need to both sit down and talk things out and make a decision. You either break it off and let it go or you both agree to work on things by doing something really constructive like couples counseling. Otherwise you'll live your whole lives like The Bickersons and end up thinking this is normal. This is not normal and neither of you should live this way. To be honest, it also sounds like a little maturation is also needed on both sides.

Let me know what you think and have a sit down about the situation and the options available. If both of you agree to work on things in a constructive manner, then you may be able to iron things out and get to the root of your problems. Otherwise, this will become standard procedure (if it isn't already) and will never be resolved.

I wish you both the best,

November 8, 2010 - 2:22pm
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