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blh2009
Q: 

In a relationship which I know is going nowhere...but I am having a hard time walking away.

By December 21, 2009 - 7:03pm
 
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My husband died a few years ago, after a marriage of almost twenty years. I met someone about nine months after his death, and have been seeing him for the most part since then. So often I wonder if this is truly what I want. At first, it was definitely what I thought I wanted. He was quite a challenge to understand and often left me feeling unwanted. The sex between the two of us was great for about six months, and has only trinkled down to virtually null. I was always the one to initiate the sex,a nd did not have a problem with it then, but it has come to the point where I have no desire to inititate, so as a result, there is no sex. Even when I was the one to make the effort, many times it would not happen. He has just recently started taking antidepressants ,which I think he has needed for some time.

On another note....I met someone several months ago and he and I become involved after about one week. I found him so sweet and attentive. I did not tell him about my boyfriend at first, and it just so happens he did not tell me about the woman he was living with at first. After about two weeks, we both told one another about the other. He called and texted me daily, and could not wait to see me when he could. In fact it had gotten to a point where I could not wait to see him either. His girlfriend was questioning him and he basically decided he did not care about the two of them and wanted to be with me. He asked me to go with him to look at a condo to rent so that he could move out. I told him that I needed more time to tell my boyfriend because I was very concerned about hurting him. He was very understanding and patient. He said the situation where he lived was getting very intense, and that he would have to start getting his things together and making a move, because he knew it was not right to continue to see me while he was with her. He also told me that he was falling for me, and showed this in so many ways. I can honestly say he was craZy about me.
One day he returns home and finds all of his personal belongings thrown in his boat in front of her home. So he called me, and decided he would go to a friends, he was very upset with her for doing this. Anyway that evening my boyfriend had already planned on coming to my home to see my daughter off to college. This did not go over very well, because he said I should have been available to speak with him that night. I was very torn that night, and did not want to lie to my boyfriend again since I had been making excuses not to see him for about three weeks. I was going to end it, but I was afraid to,for more than one reason. One because I did not want to hurt him, and two, I was afraid of maybe being alone.
Anyway, he used this against me and went back to his live in girlfreind, or should I say she allowed him back in her home. He has never really explained this to me. All I knew was that he cared for me very much, and said he did not a see a future with this women that he lived with for about ten months. I have not seen him in four months and have only emailed him a happy birthday, and Holiday Wishes. I never let him know how much he hurt me, and he does not know just how much I still think of him. Was I so very naive with this one, or could he have motives for staying with her?

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Rosa Cabrera RN
Empowered

blh2009.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. The truth is you both did something very shady-- love your partner or not, both of you are grown up enough to know how to put an end to a relationship prior to moving onto another.

With that being said, now that you are involved with this other man who has a girlfriend, being jealous and hurt is a very normal feeling but also one which you, as a woman also in a relationship, cannot really judge him or demand anything at this point. Have a talk with him only if you are ready and willing to move on from your boyfriend and let the one who you truly have feelings for know that you are done with your boyfriend and ready to take your relationship with him further if he is. But ONLY if he is. Otherwise, you will move on with your life by yourself.

Even if he chooses not to leave his live-in girlfriend I definitely think it's time for you to move on from your relationship with your boyfriend.

December 22, 2009 - 5:45am

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blh2009
(reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Actually I am not still in the relationship with the other man. He went back to his live-in, and has not really given me much of an explanation about why he went back so soon(like two days later). He did not give me a chance to end my other relationship. I accused him of playing a game with me and lying. I was just so hurt. At that time I did not know if was my pride, or my feelings for him. But as time goes on, I realiZe that I obviously did and do really care for him. I just do not understand how someone can express thier feelings so very much, and go as far as to tell me he is falling for me, go out of his way to see me, even go as far as to make future plans and I am in them. He told his son, daughter, father, stepmom, and co-workers about me, and was looking forward to me meeting all of them. But he wanted to wait until he had moved out.
He mentioned in a text to me after he was put out of the house...."If your intentions were that you and I were going to be together then you would not have had ?>>: at your home, and you would have been thier for me". Could this be the reason he walked away from what we had? Or he just cared about her more than he wanted to admit?
And as far as my relationship now, I rarely see my boyfriend since this affair that I had. We seem more like freinds, and see one another occaisionally, but talk daily. His depression and some other issues have left me very isolated and down. This was going on before I started to see this other person.

December 22, 2009 - 8:00am

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