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This is a relationship/angle question and I need your advice

By April 5, 2011 - 8:59am
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I have a girlfriend since 24 years and when my husband passed away in 2007 of cancer we both have had some issues.I really didn't have any support system and she was not well herself but she had a large family I knew quite well so they were there for me,I started hanging out with her brother as a friend,now I know you know where this is headed.He wants me to move in with him but she lives with him and has been for 4 years. I feel uncomfortable about this situation because she is on disibility,but then so am I and I live alone and do my best financially.I know he has been spoiling her whereas she doesn't have to buy or pay bills he does it all.He is a wonderful man .What should I do to not feel guilty. I still care for her to.

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Yes my friend knows we have been seeing each other and that our feelings for each other have grown stronger.We all lived together for a year.My friend convinced me to move in with them I had a feeling it wouldn't work out but I did anyway,I moved out after a year it was on good terms.They both kept in touch and I thought that was that and I was on a new path I didn't care one way or another,then her brother started to visit with me and over time he told me that he loved me.I loved him to as a long term relationship goes I never thought it would happen and never suggested it because I care about her.He said he is moving out because he is feeling the strain of their relationship .It is just difficult for me because I have had a friendship with her even tho she never called to say hello,only when she needed something.I use to call but she never answer back.

April 5, 2011 - 1:51pm
(reply to willalee)

I guess you have a few things to figure out, and only you know the answers. I can help you brainstorm!

1. Why did you move out in the first place?
2. You are afraid of hurting your girlfriend's feelings, but it does not sound like you two are really friends. She never calls you back on the phone, she only calls you when she needs something for herself. It is nice to care about someone, but a friend is someone who reciprocates this caring, right?
3. If this man is wanting you to move in, at the same time he is "feeling the strain of his relationship with his sister" (since they are roommates)...would it not be better for there to be a clean break? He needs to take responsibility for what is happening between him and his sister and not use you as a filler roommate. If you two have love for each other, take it slow and do not move in during a tumultuous time in his family relations. He and his sister need to decide for themselves what are their best living arrangements without adding you into the mix; it's almost too convenient for him to and would question you moving in for love versus another reason (for him to avoid financial burden, for him to avoid difficult conversations with his sister, for him to avoid feeling lonely, etc). These "other reasons" are reasons you would NOT want to move in with him, correct?

My two cents: allow your feelings for this man to grow stronger while living separately. He can find other living arrangements, as can his sister, and you can allow each relationship to grow naturally with each individual person.

What are your thoughts?

April 7, 2011 - 11:52am

What type of relationship future do you want with this man (your girlfriend's brother)? Is this an intimate relationship, or platonic (friends) only?

What is the purpose of you moving in with this man? Is it out of mutual love, with hopes of a long-term commitment? Is it for financial security? Did he ask you to move-in with him because he feels sorry that you are lonely or living alone?

I am not sure where your guilt is coming from, unless you are suggesting that moving in with this man would cause him to ask his sister to leave the house? Does your friend know that you are in a relationship with her brother (if this is a true statement)?

April 5, 2011 - 10:51am
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