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Sad men might resort to porn...here's my take.

By February 10, 2010 - 4:37pm
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I read a few of the posts here...trying to gain insight in to my own situation. I've seen some vehement comments about porn and masturbation when the partner is willing.

I have a WAY different take on this; granted a guy's side. I have a wife willing to 'satisfy' me but actively seems to avoid any satisfaction of her own. So she resists my touch and my strident desire to please her but quite willing is open to having sex with me to keep me happy. And she does this with a sincere smile on her face.

I have to tell you that that is not a satisfying relationship for me and likely most guys. We really do want to please our ladies. Take that away from us and really what do we have? It is a huge deal to be able to satisfy your partner. So for me, heading to porn and masturbating makes it easier to get that quick relief than have to go through what is tantamount to rejection when I do try to please my partner. I think most guys do not just want to get off, we want to please our partners way more than you might think.

We've been together for more than 20 years and it has been this way for a long time. I've resigned myself to this path...some days are just more frustrating/depressing than others. And other days it is 'work' not to get angry about it.

Does this make sense?

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Thank you Tom for sharing your side.

After 20 years, I am assuming you guys have had this conversation before? If so, do you know what keeps her from allowing you to please her?

Also, does she know that you turn to porn? How does she feel about it?

I do agree that a sex therapist may help you two out. It may help her realize that there is nothing wrong with allowing herself to get pleasure out of sex. I can honestly say that I would rather have my husband resort to porn than to go out and look for another woman to do what I won't. I don't agree that watching porn is cheating, it's a bit absurd to me to even compare the two-- so kudos to you for not going out of your relationship to fix your problems in the bedroom.

February 12, 2010 - 5:29am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Tom - Thanks for sharing your take with us. What you're saying will likely make sense to some, and not make sense to others. It certainly makes sense on your end.

You mention that you've been with your wife for 20 years, which likely makes the two of you in your 40's, and your wife's mother in her 60's or so. Some of the women I know who are in their 60's got no information about sex, let alone sexual pleasure, from their own mothers and didn't have discussions about sexuality with their own daughters. Perhaps that's the case for your wife. Are you able to have discussions about this with your wife, or does she avoid the topic? Have you tried suggesting working with a third-party, perhaps a counselor or sex therapist? What do you think is blocking her from seeking pleasure for herself? Perhaps Valentine's Day could be an occasion to try to make some headway by assuring her of your love, and then talking about how to intensify that love through mutual pleasure. What do you think? Pat

February 11, 2010 - 5:32pm
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