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By Anonymous July 29, 2010 - 1:18pm
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i just got married 4 months ago. it was an arranged marriage. after we got married my husband and i had sex everyday 2-3 times and then after a month in a half we started having problems so the sex dropped. then are fights got so bad that i left for 2months to my moms house, came back and i was living at his parents house because he didnt want to take me to his house and welll everything was going good we were getting alomg then i went to his ouse to pick up somethings and we ended up having sex but he stopped mid way and said i cant. the thing is he says he doesnt feel right having sex w me. he feels like hes having sex w a 12 year old. im 23 but im very petite. and small boobs and ass. hes 29 and he says it just doesnt feeel right and that he isnt sexually attracted to me :( helppppppp!!!!!!!!

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you susan for your kind advice and tme and your very right. I'm going away for the weekend so his fam is going to talk to him about our situation and you know his fam tolld them that you shouldn't say aing to her Cuz ur not innocent urself. And well he's very mad and he says that him and that girl are over he hasn't called or texted her nd neither has she!! Nd well I don't know the real truth but I just wantt him to realize his mistakes. I can not believe thhis happened. We were madly in love before marriage and during the first month for the most part but now things are just bad!!! I'm willing to forgive and forget but nothing. I blame myself for everything because he's a good guy a bit undecicive but good guy. I can't imagine life w out him.

July 30, 2010 - 2:27pm

I am so sorry. This happens in all types of marriages, whether they are arranged or not.

What are your options? If you and your husband are fighting, and not resolving issues, are you able to seek marital therapy/counseling for this? If you and/or your husband are not sexually attracted to each other, can you seek marital therapy for this as well? Sometimes working on the non-sexual issues can help strengthen your love (or like) toward each other, and help rekindle some physical intimacy.

What are the cultural norms for arranged marriages, as I would assume this happens frequently.

Did you two also choose each other, or did you marry each other "sight unseen"? Were you able to get to know each other first?

What are your options if you are in an arranged marriage, and one of you does not find the other sexually attractive, or realizes this is not a good match (emotionally, mentally, physically). What options do you have culturally, in your family's belief system, as well as your own well-being?

It is no one's fault, of course, as couples who DO choose each other without pre-arrangement, date and are physically intimate for years before marriage, can also realize that they are not a good match. These couples have many options, including: working things out through counseling, choosing to stay in a marriage without physical intimacy, separation or divorce, or any other myriad options.

What are your thoughts?

July 29, 2010 - 1:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

thank u for taking your timeee out to reply. well his whole fam is on my side and there are about 6 people and since were muslim we dont beleieve in divorce though yes it could be an option if needed. we have soo many problems... but then we have none.. he complains tht i do his laundary and that i bother him when he gets home from work. but i dont. i dont go to school or work cuz i moved from a dif state to here so i neeed time to adjust so obv if im home all day i would do his laundary n clean and etc. and yes time to time i ask him lets go out but he takes it as if im bothering him. he says im very beautiful and any guy would love to have sex w me and be with me beccause im so nice but he says he cant hes messed up in the head, he lived alone for a year and was dating an older women and he was still seeing her while we were married becuase she didnt know he got marrried so i dont know if its the fact tht hes used to her womanly body because she had huge boobs, and hes not attracted to my little body. maybe he still loves her maybe hes having sex with her i dont know. he doesnt want to talk about it and neither will he ever go to counceling. when ever me and his fam try to taalk to him he gets angry and walks out and says leave me alone and etc... i cud leave but i dno

July 29, 2010 - 1:39pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I am so sorry!

First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with you or your body. Second, he began the marriage in a lie, and sounds like he is continuing to be deceitful (avoiding important issues by using an excuse of being angry and walking away is deceitful and harmful to a relationship).

He was deceitful in marrying you, while still in a previous relationship. You have not mentioned if you love him, but I am wondering if an annulment is OK as an option, as did you marry him without knowing that he was seeing another woman? He can not legally marry you under false pretenses, correct? (We will have to look up this information to confirm).

If you do love him, and want this to work, he would need to try. He sounds like he refused to try, and is being emotionally abusive. Telling you that you are bothering him, when you are doing his laundry and asking to go out is not "bothering" someone, and he needs to abruptly stop the verbal abuse. I would highly suggest seeking counseling for yourself, as his verbal abuse can intensify.

Please let us know what we can do to help.

July 29, 2010 - 7:05pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

i agree with what you have to say. i really do love him because i know hes not a bad person deep down. its just hes being someone whom i dont know. i believe we can work it out but he says hes trying but he gives up fast. last night was a huge fight because he read a text of mine to a friend in which i wrote that im n ot happpy because he treats me like crap and etc, and my friend responded that its wrong for him to not like me because of the physicalness. but i feel there are alot of underlying issues hes not telling me or willing to communicate so yesterday he told me its done. all over. im devasted. i dont even know what an anullment is? i personallly just want him to open up to me and just forget the past and start fresh but it almost seems as if hes looking for reasons to get rid of me and yesterday he found one. cuz i texted my guy cousin about him and hes like how could you tell a 3rd party our problems and now i know how you really feeel about me and etc so its over. im so devasted right now. cant think straight.

July 30, 2010 - 10:15am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I just want to add my bit, in addition to Alison's great advice.

Your husband lost his right to complain about you adding a third party to your marriage by merely mentioning your issues to you cousin - when he added a third party by having sex with another woman! I think the latter is a heck of a lot worse! Don't let him play with words or turn things about to make you feel like you're in the wrong. He is one having an affair, for heaven's sake!

In terms of an annulment - this is where you marriage is made null and void - where it never happened. Therefore the state and your religion accepts that the marriage was fraudulent from the beginning, and it is erased as if you were never married in the first place. Therefore if you did get married again, your second marriage would be considered your first.

I also want to let you know that the Muslim religion allows a wife to divorce her husband. Various Muslim countries have rules regarding this but the religion itself allows for it and that is certainly the case in America.

It's time for you to think about what is right for you. Your marriage was indeed fraudulent from the start, so you have the right to ask for an annulment although you must provide proof and this can be difficult unless he is ready to admit to his part in the failure of your marriage.

If you have tried all you can, and he no longer wants to remain in the marriage - think about you and your future. What is best for you? What do YOU want? What you should want in terms of marriage (if that's your choice) is a man to remain faithful, to treat you with respect and to love you for being you - both physically and mentally. You should not stand for his blatant affair with another woman.

Do you have a support group or other women who can help you? If not, would you like to help find you one? You can sent a personal message with the city or town you live in and still remain anonymous - we will not need your name or any other information from you.

Have a think about it and remember we're here for you-

July 30, 2010 - 12:21pm
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