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Sex with my boyfriend?

By August 22, 2009 - 6:32am
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So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 2 years, and well when we first got together it was everyday 2 or 3 times a day for awhile, and well now its maybe 1 or 2 times every 2 months... I dont get it.. I'm 21 and he's 25.. I live on my own so it has nothing to do with parents or roommates.. When he sleeps here which is not as often as I would like but when he does sleep over I'm the one that always initiates sex. And when we do have sex it lasts like 15 minutes tops.. but it never use to.. I know sex isnt the main point to a relationship but it does help. I always bring this topic up and he's always like i love having sex with you but he doesnt! Ok so for instance last night he slept over and nothing, no making out no touching NOTHING. So when he left this morning I texted him and asked him why he doesnt like having sex with me or why he doesnt like to even have some for play and he says oh i do, you'll see bla bla... well I said dont just say this stuff because I'm bringing it up and he says hes not.. Can someone please tell me why this is happening!!! Thanks so much!!

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EmpowHER Guest

Did you asked if he has another woman or if he is a gay? Their is no reason not having sex with his girlfriend unless he is inlove with someone else or something wrong with his identity. Maybe you could ask him why he lost his interest of making love with you, does he has a problem? try to make a good conversation that could bring him up and let him talk. Tell him that you wont be mad whatever the reason is and you would understand.

August 26, 2009 - 9:26am
EmpowHER Guest

My hubby and I have been together for over a year. I'm 21 and he is 32. I think that sex or "love making" is a wonderful thing. But it doesn't need to happen all the time when my hubby and I do it its always wonderful and for that matter sex doesn't have to take a long time I think when it takes to long it looses something don't get me wrong I love making love with my hubby but I feel if you don't do it all the time or even every day when you can do it its more special and meaningful I wouldn't worry to much perhaps your boyfriend just feels more like I do about sex perhaps you could sit down and have a heart to heart rather then get mad tell him how its hurting you and that you would like it if he would lets say kiss on you more and initiate it more often and if you two love each other telling each other so often, often helps as well
Just some friendly advice take it or leave it
Oh and PS some times people just feel that they have the wild days behind them and there is more to life and love but I do understand you wanting it more then once or twice a month or two :)

August 25, 2009 - 3:26pm
HERWriter Guide

Thanks for the update Jess!

It sounds like he wants you as a best friend, rather than a romantic relationship which is wonderful - if you're ok with that!

A romantic relationship without sex is a friendship. If you are ok with it, then it can work well, but make sure you are. Some people are in sexless marriages and they are fine with it but for most people, it's not enough. It's quite unusual for a young couple to be in a sexless "romantic" relationship unless they are waiting for marriage, which you are not. You are only 21 - make sure you don't compromise too much, in order to save the relationship. If sex is important to you (and it should be!) then make sure you settle into a relationship where sex is an aspect of your life.

Him telling you how much he loves to have sex with you and how much he loves to have sex - and then never having sex - is really a bit strange. I do know someone who was in a very similar relationship, though, so you're not alone.

PS - I wasn't meaning having children meant no sex (I don't want to scare you off having kids later on!) but it can sometimes slow things down a bit in the beginning!

August 22, 2009 - 7:49am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Well we're planning on getting married in 2 years... he is my bestest friend as I am his. He says that he just doesnt want to make our relationship based on that and that he's always been this way... I think it could be because we thought I was pregnant and that really freaked him out because we dont want children until we're married and buy a house... so I think that he thinks that if we have sex a lot I will get pregnant and we're just not ready... so tonight at dinner I'm gonna talk to him about it... Thanks so much

August 22, 2009 - 8:06am
HERWriter Guide

Hi NJJess

Thanks for your question and welcome!

Sex is usually very intense for the first couple of years of a relationship and tends to then level off. This isn't a bad thing - no relationship is same five years after it started. Like people, relationships evolve and this is a good thing! Some people say their relationships are exactly the same as when it first started (several years before) and unlike many, I don't think that this is always a good thing. I wonder, have circumstances not changed at all? Everything is still exactly the same? Do ya'll not get out enough?!!

But since you are both very young (I assume no children) and live alone, and you are down to sex once a month, something is probably going on. He may be stressed over something, he may be feeling unwell, he may be seeing someone else that you don't know about - he even may be depressed. The reasons why the change is happening could be anything - only he knows.

I also agree with you that he may not like having sex, despite claiming he does. There isn't much in sending texts about how much he likes having sex with you like "you'll see!" and then not following through. Our actions show how we feel, much more than our words. If he never initiates sex and rarely even has sex with you, it's time to sit down and get to the heart of the matter, in a non-confrontational way.

And this means not texting, IM'ing or emailing about it! I know we live in this world now but this needs face-to-face. Texting is the easy way out. It also robs you of body language, eye contact and tone of voice. You'll never solve things this way.

In summary, why this is happening is anyone's guess, but his. If he continues to dodge the matter and your relationship remains essentially sexless and he won't talk about it or work to change it, re-evaluate your relationship.

You are right - sex isn't everything in a romantic relationship but it matters! When sex it great, it only matters a little. When sex is bad or non-existent, it becomes a huge problem.

Make dinner or have coffee together and tell him how you feel. Don't be on the offensive (it does not sound like you are!), just be gentle and ask him about what's going on. Unfortunately, only he knows. And you can work from there.

August 22, 2009 - 6:50am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you so much! Well I know for a fact he isnt seeing anyone else, because we are together all the time.. So he wouldnt have time for that, and he's not that type.. He's a quiet guy very shy... He's definitely not depressed or stressed I know that for a fact because when he is he comes to me and tells me right away.. I think its me, I feel like he just isnt attracted to me or doesnt like sex.. But we do talk about it face to face and he says are you kidding, youre so sexy and I love you and Youre amazing, and ya know all that good stuff... so then I wonder maybe he just thinks as well as I do that sex isnt everything and feels like he doesnt have to have sex with me.. he knows i love him and he loves me so maybe he feels thats enough! Yea and we have NO CHILDREN so thats not it lol

August 22, 2009 - 7:34am
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