Facebook Pixel

Sex is Rare & my partner is blaming me

By August 27, 2012 - 7:56am
Rate This

We have been together for over 20 years, so I think I've been very patient as this problem has existed for 18 of the 20 years. My partner used to blame the lack of sex on the fact that my children were in the house, then it was his job, he used to say he worked very hard & was exhausted when he came home. Incidentally he works away for 4 weeks & is home for 4 weeks. Now however he says he has a very low sex drive, but that whilst he's away he doesnt feel the same stress, in other words he openly admits to masturbating which he is happy with but when it comes to sex with me its stressful for him. I know now that he has a problem both getting an erection and keeping an erection, when we do manage to have sex usually once in the month period he is at home, he can't reach orgasm. My partner just lays back and lets me do all the work of trying to arouse him, he does nothing at all for me, neither does he feel it necessary to ensure any sexual satisfaction for me. Until very recently he refused to see a Docter then he said he had seen our GP but he was told nothing was wrong with him, this was 3 years ago, since then again I have sat quietly saying little, but now I am frustrated hurt and angry that he is happy pleasuring himself but cares little or nothing about me. He is very affectionate towards me but it just isnt enough anymore. I suspect that he might have had one night stands in the past perhaps to prove to himself that there is nothing wrong with him, & its all my fault, but they have come to nothing. The other thing about him is that when we do have sex he only likes to be positioned behind me to enable him to really move in and out of me very, very fast & hard, its the same as when I am masturbating him he likes it very hard and fast, orally again very hard & fast, so I do wonder if there is a physical problem of sensitization. Its all become very stressful for me in recent months I am very depressed & unhappy. I even gave up my part time job to be with him all the time when he's home because he said I wasnt giving him enough attention, but now I'm here he doesnt want to know, so its year after year after year of just one excuse after another. Advice would be so much appreciated

Add a Comment2 Comments

HERWriter Guide

Hi DaizieMae

Thanks for your post and welcome !

It's hard to believe that  this has been your life for 18 years. It's a bit of a mess, isn't it?

A few things occured to me while reading your post. Firstly, I highly doubt he told his GP about his sexual performance problems because no GP is going to say there is nothing wrong with him, when clearly there is. I suspect he told you he discussed it and nothing is wrong to keep you from asking him to talk to a doctor again.

Also, he may or may not be having sex with other women - that's not for us to say but if you suspect he is, make sure you always use a condom. It's not worth a disease. Also, only having sex from behind does ensure deep penetration but it also ensures a disconnect from you - no eye to eye contact, no real intimacy. This may be why he insists on this too.

Giving up your job wasn't a good idea, I have to say. It won't (and has not) made you any closer but what it has done is take away some of your independence and social activities, leading you to be more financially and emotionally dependent on him. This isn't a good idea and he's a bit childish to want a woman to pander to him all day when he's not working. To complain about you not giving him enough attention when he won't even have sex with you isn't ok.

He may have a few things going on. One is depression, another is obvious sexual dysfunction. Unfortunately, if he refuses to get help for either/both/whatever is wrong, then things will remain just like they have for  the past two decades. That's an awfully long time to be unhappy and unfulfilled.

Talk to him about getting help but also about your needs. His whole life seems to be about him and self-satisfaction. Stop having sex with a man who has absolute no interest in your needs or pleasure. You won't score brownie points with him and he's not going to suddenly come around and say "hey, she gave me oral sex so let me reciprocate!".

I do hope that he gets the help he needs. And I hope you can get another job. Try your best to talk to him in a gentle but firm way. If he simply refuses to change or get help then the changes in your life may have to come from you. Every women deserves a happy life, including you.



August 27, 2012 - 11:40am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Hi & Thank you. I agree entirely I dont believe for one moment that he spoke to our GP. I dont think that he is seeing other women to be honest, his job is in the middle of the ocean, there are no women. However, I think he is addicted to porn & he is also happy to masturbate, prefers it even as it means he doesnt have to make any effort, he is extremely lazy. I also think perhaps depression of some sort but its a very long time, so I think there is or could be a guilt factor too, I know for a fact that he has been out with 2 other women, he denies anything came of this, but he lies about a lot of things & he knows that if he was caught I would be gone, I left my previous partner who was also thee father of my children because he was unfaithful. I think he thought this would eventually sort itself but it hasnt & without help it wont. I am so grateful to you, its a huge relief just being able to talk to someone about this elephant. Many, many thanks

August 28, 2012 - 4:09am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!