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By Anonymous November 3, 2015 - 10:28pm
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I have a rather complex question. So I'll try to spare you the details. Basically, 3 years ago I married a man who has become a wonderful husband. I love him very very deeply.
However, before I married him I knew I was lesbian. I did my best to squash it because I had been taught it was a sinful lifestyle choose that God hated. I did not have the courage to live out what I knew was my natural orientation. I was only 21 when I married and was at the time very much in need of my family's approval.

Now that I'm emotionally and intellectually stronger and have completely accepted that I am lesbian AND a Christian, there is still just one problem. I struggle with intimacy with my husband, a man a love dearly.
I do not want to break his heart or get a divorce. But it's come to a point where I can barely bring myself to have sex with him. And when I do it totally freaks me out and I get uncontrollably depressed afterwards. But I don't want him to have to live in a sexless marriage. I feel like I'm living a lie and just pretending to be happy for his sake.
What should I do??!

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Faith

Thank you for your post!

You could ask a hundred people your question and get a hundred different answers so I can only give you mine.

Firstly, I think you are very brave to face this head on after three years, rather than much, much longer.

You knew you were gay getting married (to a man) so your marriage is fraudulent. In this day and age, only bigoted people care about who is gay or not. Most people in daily life don't care one way or another. Don't live your life for other people, trust me, they have their own issues.

You owe yourself a happy life - an authentic life. You are also instrumental in your husband having a marriage that isn't true to its promises and he also deserves to live an authentic life too. He is living a lie and doesn't even know it and I hate that for someone. Is it worse to get a divorce than to live in this fraudulent marriage? Of course not. Divorce is the honest answer.

Do you have children together? If not, end the marriage now. You not only owe it to you but to your husband. It'll be really hard but you will both find love again. Living in a fake marriage and denying the truth is not a Christian way to live.

Don't stay in a marriage for decades and look back with regret. That's something that has gone on since marriage began with our ancestors. People have worked very hard to allow gay men and women to live their lives without compromise. You will always be gay and you will never love your husband like a wife should, not in that sense. So free both of you. You will look back and be glad you did.


November 4, 2015 - 6:12am
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