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Sexual problems

By November 23, 2009 - 6:40am
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I am in a very loving relationship for 13 years now, we dont have any children and still in our 30's. I think I avoid sex most of the time. When I was growing up my family were very strict and ive always felt sexually repressed and not that confident, but have managed to overcome that in most situations and have and still do enjoy sex......

Now as I get older I feel more and more that sex is dirty? (I know!!!) im put off by it, avoid it, cant seem to talk to my partner about it... but when we do have sex it is amazing, we dirty talk etc...but I seem to want it to end as soon as possible?? I am so uptight!

Its damaging my relationship with my partner, as he now feels he has lost confidence and feels he's still young and that he wants to enjoy and experiment with me, but I keep brushing him away. He says he cant take the relationship for much longer plus he thinks I am bossy and controlling,(which is true I guess) he says he loves me very much and doesnt know what to do.

I don't know what to do to change - the thought of not being with him after 13 years will be unbearable, you see we are very close in other ways and have built a great life together.

I need to know there are other ways to be helped, yes I know I can get out the sexy underwear, but I feel my problem is more deeply routed and feel its getting worse.

Other related issues: I have possible polycystic ovaries, I have had a scan and need to see my doctor in the week. I don't fantasize about my partner, but tend to about other women, which is also worrying me, as I know I dont want to be in a relationship with a woman.

Please help.

x m

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Thanks for you kind words! Since I last wrote I had a good think before looking at counseling and my partner and I have a good heart to heart. It seems my partner has been down because he lost his father 5 years ago and when I push him away he feels very alone.

Most of the time i am very incontrol and sometimes when I need looking after, he dosnt know how to help, but thats okay us girls go though so much and its hard for men to understand all the time.

We have been very loving again, but when we have sex, intercourse hurts, this is a recent thing. Ive been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, and had a smear test and my doctor said that indeed my cerfix is very tight - might be something to do with polycystic ovaries. Now I have to wait 5/6 weeks for a Gyno appointment.

So all this must be to do with the hormones, around my period I can be very moody and irritable - but im trying to overcome that and listen and enjoy things more.

Also do u recommend I go to see a private gyno - as 6 weeks anything can happen (bit worried)

thanks again
x m

December 1, 2009 - 11:16am
HERWriter Guide

Dear Meka

Thanks for your question!

Firstly, don't worry about sexual fantasies about other women. Studies have shown that it's a common fantasy that neither means one is bisexual, nor does it mean that you'd actually want to be with a woman of the opposite sex. Sexual fantasies are very common and they vary from being with someone of the same sex, to group sex, to rape or unwanted domination, or having sex with an enemy, in a public place or in front of an audience. I read a study once that talked about the percentage of women who have fantasies and I cannot remember the number but I know it was high. No woman actually wants rape or to have sex with an enemy but this is why it's called fantasy. It's unreal. It it were real, it'd be called reality. You are normal!

With regard to feeling sexual repression, again, this is common with people who are raised to believe that sex is wrong, or dirty or it's only if you are married (and straight) and trying directly to have a baby.

Then when these kids grow up and realize that sex for pleasure is a normal, healthy aspect of life, they feel guilty, dirty and ashamed. The hate that they like sex.

I would suggest to you that you seek counseling with a trained professional who has a lot of knowledge in this area. This person will help you overcome what was drilled into you as an impressionable child and will help you understand that fantasies and fine and that sex for pleasure is very, very normal and good for you.

I'm not sure if you are "bossy and controlling" - I think that maybe you push him away and make excuses (pick fights, perhaps to avoid sex) because of how you feel about sex. Don't put yourself down like that or call yourself names. You need help in this area and it's not your fault - there is no "blame" to be assigned - not to you or your boyfriend.

But both of you deserve a happy life and 13 years is a long time together. It's worth it to try, right?

Talk to your own doctor and ask for a referral, or find a clinic. Make sure your therapist is someone you're comfortable with open yourself up to getting some help.

Will you keep us updated?

November 23, 2009 - 2:10pm
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