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Should I be worried?

By Anonymous May 14, 2010 - 3:41am
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My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now. A while ago I asked him not to watch porn anymore, because it bothered me. Now he's confessed to me that he does sometimes (not often) and that he also checks out other girls. He always told me that I was the only girl who really caught his eye, and I believed him because he's the only guy who catches mine. I've been very understanding about the situation, I told him I was sorry and that he could watch porn. But I'm afraid of what might come of that. I've heard stories of men who decide they like porn better or who desire other people more than their spouses. I want to be the only one he desires. I also don't understand how he can be so completely attracted to me and in love with me, but still think about other people. He told me that he has had sexual fantasies about them. I've haven't thought of anyone other than him like that in the whole time we've been together. I don't see the difference between cheating and wishing he could have sex with other people. Who cares if he doesn't actually do anything? He still WANTS to, and that bothers me more than anything else. Now I keep looking at girls, wondering what he'd think of them. He said he just automatically checks females out and decides how attractive they are. Isn't that sort of the mentality a single man should have?

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HERWriter Guide

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question and welcome! And I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation in your relationship.

Your situation is entirely subjective. This is because what goes on with two people might be perfectly acceptable for one couple, and not for another.

However, with regard to porn - when one person hates it and the other (who uses it) does not - there's always going to be a problem. I have always been of the belief than one yes and one no - equals no. So anytime there are two people - one saying yes to something and one saying no - the resolution should always be no.

Regardless of the acts being done, it's very disrespectful when one person continues their behavior (porn) knowing it upsets their partner. Porn is not wrong in it's entirety if both parties like it. Some have a moral or social objection to it and that is their right. Others like to incorporate it into their lives which is also their right, as long as all parties are consenting adults.

You do have a right to ask him to stop his use of porn. If it makes you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop. This is what happens in a respectful, loving relationship.

With regard to him checking out other woman - alas, I must tell you that not only do most men and women do this, it's perfectly normal. Human beings are not naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a choice we make. However, we do not have a switch that turns off our attraction to other people. We make a choice not to act upon it. If you don't look at others or find others attractive, that's ok! But it's natural and normal to feel the way your boyfriend does. Don't try to change that, or you may lose him. There is no cure for 'normal'. Just because he likes to check out other women doesn't mean he's cheating on you. That's not cheating - it's not even emotional. It's just one human being, being human!

What is not acceptable is him telling you that he has sexual fantasies about others. Why on earth does he need to 'share' this info with you? I think your boyfriend needs to mature significantly and to keep his thoughts to himself and his mouth closed, when it comes to certain aspects of his sexuality. We all know that we all look at members of the sex we are attracted to. But we don't all need to blab about it. Your partner needs a filter on his brain (and mouth!) so that he gets to think how he wants to, but not feel a compulsion to tell you all about it!

How old is your boyfriend? Do you find him to be immature in general?

May 15, 2010 - 6:17am
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