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Should I be worried about husband's past with incest?

By October 15, 2013 - 8:57pm
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Over the years of our marriage, a rift has been developing. I always thought that twice a week seemed like enough and he always acted like he was so deprived, and would always want it more. I started to sleep on the couch to avoid the guilt trip and anxiety that these arguments always caused. One night, when we had been drinking, I had to say no 4-5 times and then finally shove him off me because he didn't want to take no for an option and went to sleep on the couch. A couple weeks later I was passed out drunk and woke up to him having me almost all the way undressed and doing sexual things to me while saying "wake up, please wake up" I felt extrememly violated, similar to the way I had felt in my past experiences of sexual abuse. He seems to think that it is ok, since we are married, but I then made it clear that it is NOT ok and that just because we are married he does not have the right to do what ever he wants to me. So I was already dealing with these problems in our sexual relationship, and recently found out that when he was a teenager, he had sex with his little sister. He does not know that I know, but the source is solid. I'm being told that he is a great guy and how much he loves me and our daughter is safe and I shouldn't be worried, but I can't help but wonder... if taking advantage of me when unconscious wasn't crossing a line, and his past sexual experience with his sister wasn't crossing a line, how do I know that once our daughter gets older, molesting her won't be crossing a line? Should I chalk this up as something "in the past" (it was probably around 14 years ago) or is there some underlining problem that isn't being addressed? I have not let him touch me sense I found out and he's getting impatient, yet if I talk to him about it, many friendships and relationships have then chance of being destroyed. I have no one to talk to about this

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EmpowHER Guest

lost 79,

Try to continue getting therapy, it will help you and your daughter alot.  If you feel this relationship is worth saving, then it's important for him to get help and only a psychotherapist can help him.  It's obvious you are not feeling well in this relationship, right? 

Please seek counseling from a psychotherapist and be totally honest with your counselor, as to the things you are not comfortable with about this relationship. 

Best and keep us posted,


October 17, 2013 - 6:56am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi lost 79,

Welcome to EmpowHER and thanks for reaching out to us for support.  Definitely, he has a problem and since childhood.  The fact he had a sexual relationship with his sister. No, it's not right and you should not ignore it.  No one can make you do something or have sexual intimacy if you don't want to.  Especially him taking advantage of you while you were unconscious. That is called rape!! Yes you need to be careful with your daughter.  It sounds to me, he has a big problem with sex.  You need to keep a close eye on your daughter or move out of the house. Think about it, your conscious is letting you know this is not right.  You need to let him find help with a psychotherapist if he wants to. But, for the mean time- it's important to move out and start to feel save for you and your daughter.  It's best to let a  family or friend that you can trust know of this situation.  Please keep us post and lost 79, have you thought of psychotherapy for yourself?   



October 16, 2013 - 6:00am
(reply to Anonymous)

I went to therapy years ago towards the beginning of our marriage to try and deal with the fact that I couldn't seem to be faithful to my husband when he was on deployments for reason's I just couldn't seem to understand. I was able to talk with my therapist about the things that had happened in my past concerning sexual abuse and I felt like I never really had much respect for myself because of it. My husband went to therapy with me, and he knows about the times I was unfaithful and he has forgiven me for it and we have tried to move on. But this was long before any of these issues began to unfold. (We've been together almost 10 years) I am planning on going to therapy for this because while I don't really want anyone to know, I have to be able to talk to someone so I can sort this out in my head. I am a full time student right now and not able to support my kids on my own, so I feel I will have to stay put for now. I am 95% sure that he would never touch our daughter, but if I am wrong and something happens to her 10 years down the line when she develops, I would never be able to forgive myself for not doing something about it. He is such a wonderful man in all other aspects and takes great care of me and our family, I never in a million years thought that I would have to deal with something like this from him.

October 16, 2013 - 1:11pm
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