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Is there something wrong with me because I want sex?

By July 3, 2009 - 9:56am
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My boyfriend tells me that women aren't supposed to want sex for pleasure reasons, and that when it comes right down to it, we're not really even supposed to orgasm. He says that it's just an evolutionary fluke that we've encouraged through the years. However, I look around and there's a huge market for vibrators and tons of songs out there by women complaining about how men aren't satisfying them. He's 29, I'm 20, and I know he's kind of slowing down now, but it seems I'm always the one instigating, and when I do, most of the time he pushes me away and makes me feel like a fruit cake.

Prior to me he'd never met/been with a woman who wanted sex, and actually participated, so to speak. He figures this must be a 'new thing' with my generation. Am I really that unique or has he been living under a rock??? Can some one please clue me and make me feel not so....nuts?

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EmpowHER Guest

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having a healthy sex drive. I am 39, and I still enjoy being intimate with my husband, and he, at 41, still enjoys it as well.

July 8, 2010 - 1:06pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I can't help but smile at your response...you make it sound like you and your husband are ancient, and that you "still" like sex at the ripe old age of...41?! :-)

I am so glad that you and your husband are doing well, and I wanted to let others know that couples "still" have healthy sex drives beyond their 30s and 40s, well into their 60s, 70s, 80s...

There is such a misconception that sex and healthy sex drives are only for teenagers and those in their early 20s, but many women find that their sex lives are even more fulfilling as they become older, know themselves, their bodies and have trust and long-term love with their partners.

July 8, 2010 - 1:58pm

Tons! Thank you. ^.^

July 4, 2009 - 8:13pm

Hey, Emmalise. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for your question!

Here's my short answer: Yes, he's been living under a rock. (Though it might not be by choice.)

Here's my longer answer: You are not crazy. And the problems you're having with your boyfriend might not be fixable.

People grow up with different ideas about sex. We learn them from our parents, from society, from books and magazines, from our friends, and from experience. But our first messages, our early messages, are the ones that tend to stick in terms of our general attitudes about what is and is not ok. Some people are brought up to believe that sex is bad, or dirty, for instance. It's what they've been taught. It's what they've come to believe. A "good" girl wouldn't enjoy sex, you see? He's having trouble figuring out how you can be both a good girl and someone who likes the pleasure of sex.

There is not a generational difference between you and your boyfriend. There's only 9 years between you. A generation is described as 18 years -- in other words, if you're 18 when you have a child, that's a new generation. So you and your boyfriend actually belong to the same generation, and have a lot in common. It just doesn't seem like it because of where you are on issues like this.

He's finding himself uncomfortable with your level of interest and energy in sex. He's making up reasons to explain it away. He wants you to be different than you are.

The reason that both men and women find sex pleasurable is because we are supposed to reproduce. If there were no pleasure to sex at all, there would be no motivation to procreate, and the species would die out. If any female of any species simply said "nope, not interested at all, ever," then that species is in trouble. We have instincts toward childbearing and nurturing, but if only men were interested in sex, there would be a lot fewer babies.

The libido -- the sex drive -- is affected by hormones. We all have them. Testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, there are many of them. A man with too much testosterone may have an overly active sex drive, while one without enough testosterone may be less interested. The same goes for women -- if our hormones are out of balance, we might be too interested, or not interested enough. It sounds like you are matched up with someone whose appetite is just different than yours.

We are all sexual beings. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a natural occurrence for both males and females. Some women don't orgasm, but that doesn't mean they can't -- it might mean that they are restrained because of the way they were taught about sex. It might be that they are embarrassed. It might be that they haven't learned exactly what makes them orgasm, or they are hesitant to ask their partner to do things to give them pleasure. But there are also plenty of women who love sex, who enjoy it, who have a healthy sex drive, who want to feel the pleasure of an orgasm, and who aren't hesitant or ashamed to experiment in the bedroom.

It seems to me that all this talk about evolution and what we are "supposed" to be like or "supposed" to do is really your boyfriend trying to figure out why he doesn't want as much physical intimacy as you do. Perhaps your sexuality intimidates him a little bit. Perhaps you're not really his type -- he has chosen girlfriends before who are not as interested, and that may be what he's more comfortable with.

He'd like you to change. I don't see that happening. You're a smart, thoughtful young woman who is comfortable with her body and with sex. Unless his mind is a little more open here, you may have to think hard about whether this is the relationship you want. I can tell you -- for absolute, positive sure -- that there are many men who would LOVE to have a girlfriend who loved sex.

And let me speak for the male side of the population -- 29 isn't really "slowing down," unless you compare them to when they're 17 or 18 and are crazy with hormones. There are both younger and older men who may be more compatible with you. The way people feel about sex isn't really about age. And it's not an accident of evolution, either.

Is this any help?

July 3, 2009 - 1:36pm
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