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Trusting in Relationship.

By June 21, 2010 - 3:42am
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 3 months. We are now living together and things in general are going great. But I seem to have a trusting issue. At the beginning of the relationship, I did not have this issue. I trusted him, and never question him. He was the one that was more questioning about me, because he told me that most of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him. I understand where he comes from, and never complain about him asking me questions or being worried about me not being faithful to him. Over the time, I have becoming like that now, and it has become a problem for me. I started to question him more and more, and always afraid that something bad would happen to our relationship. He had quite a lot of ex-girlfriend before he dated me, but he was the first guy I had sex with, sometimes, it bugs me that he has been with so many other girls before me, but I know that it is the past, and I can't change it. He used to go out to bars and clubs with his friends all the time before we lived together. When we first lived together, he still went out a few times, but I really don't like it when he drinks because to me, he seems like a different person: he used bad words with me, become more angry. I told him that I don't like it when he drinks, and I don't drink personally, so I think it is only fair, if we both don't drink. He doesn't go to bars as much anymore, but now I feel like I am controlling him. I am just afraid that if he goes to bars, drunken girls will be all over him, and when you are drunk, you don't know what is going to happen. Since we live together, he has spend a lot more time with me, and I know he doesn't hang out with his friends as much anymore. I feel bad about it, but every time he goes hang out with his friends, I can't seem to be happy, and still always afraid that he might meet somebody else. We have never been away from each other since we dated, until I was out of the country for a month an a half, and I was so scared before I left. I was so scared that something bad will happen to our relationship and things will not be the same when I get back. He always tell me he loves me, and I know that he does. And he also tell me that things will be fine when I get back. I am an over- analyzer! I over-analyze everything, I always think of the worst thing that could happen because from previous experience, when I get my hope up, it always turn out bad for me, so I always keep my expectation very low.

It is just sometimes I found some weird things. Before we lived in this house with 3 roommates, and one of them is a model, and she also takes nude pictures. One time when my boyfriend was drunk, he told me that even when he saw her naked pictures, he is not attracted to her. A few days later when he was sober, I asked if he saw her naked picture before, he said: "No, I have never." One day, I got a text message from him, and I am sure that he accidentally sent to me, inside was a link to a model website with a message said: it is full with hot chicks. Find out things like that worried me, though I never told him!
I really want to trust him, and I don't want to feel so doubtful all the time anymore! I know he loves me and I have tried so many time, to make my self being less doubtful and trust him, but I still can't do it! I don't know what to do! This really makes me tired, and exhausted because I am always worrying! I love you very much and I am a very loyal person, and I would never do anything to sabotage the relationship! I really need some advice of what to do, because everytime there is any holidays, I get so worried that he would go to bars, especially 4th of July is coming, and I am not home, so he is free to do whatever he wants! PLEASE HELP ME!

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Sure, it's possible that you are too sensitive. When we are in our first real relationship, we often feel that way. BUT I do think that you have some cause for worry, due to the fact that he lied to you about the nude photos and the text about the hot models site. Those instances may be absolutely innocent, but on the other hand, they may be symptoms of a larger issue between the two of you.

You mention "all the weird things that were going on." Were there more?

If you talk to him about them now, you want to be careful when you bring them up. Do it in the middle of a normal conversation, like a Saturday lunch at a little sandwich shop or something. Ask it quietly, after saying "Can I ask you about something that's been bothering me for a while?" and don't accuse. Just say what happened, and see what he says. He may be angry, and defensive -- but listen to what he says. Or he may be fine talking about it, and you two could get this cleared up one way or the other.

But I'm a little confused. You say that you don't feel the same way about him, and that you're not sure you could marry him after all this, yet you don't want to end the relationship. Do you feel more strongly one way or the other?

June 23, 2010 - 10:14am

Thank you for your respond!

There is a communication issue between me and him. He seems to tell me more things relate to his feeling than I tell him about mine, but I still feel like he doesn't tell me what I should be finding out, if that makes sense. I do feel comfortable when I am with him, but at some levels I am not.

Is it possible if I am just too sensitive and that there is nothing to worry about? I am just so afraid to get hurt!

I know that I can't control him, but I think, to him I am already that way, and it just sadden me because I don't want to be that way. I am only like that because I love him. I should have told him right when I found out about all the weird things that was going on. Do you think I should do that now?

He told me he wants to be with me, and we even talked about getting married, but now, I just don't feel as strong about the relationship anymore that I don't know if we can get married. I know we have a lot of differences and we both have to compromise, but sometimes I feel like those differences are just too big of an issue.

He still makes me laugh, and he still makes me feel like when we first started dating, I don't want to end this relationship.

June 22, 2010 - 7:14pm


Here's the truth: You can't control him. You are getting more anxious and fearful because you know this and you have found out some disturbing things about him.

I think you are right to be concerned. There are some communication issues between you, aren't there? He's not completely honest with you, and you feel the need to keep many things to yourself. This can be super hard to deal with when you have worries about how things are going.

I have to tell you to trust your innermost instinct, your gut feeling. If you feel like there is something to worry about, there probably is. (And that can be the case even when you love him and he loves you.)

It might be really hard to fix this. His background is that he has had girlfriends cheat on him, so he's extra worried about you. Your background is that he's the first person you've been with, and you're scared to lose him. That makes you feel vulnerable instead of strong. It probably makes you feel needier than you used to. And the more you feel like everything revolves around him, the needier you get.

Does any of that sound true?

Can the two of you have an honest, open, frank conversation about all of this? (Including the things you know but haven't told him?)

June 22, 2010 - 9:02am
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