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What can I do to regain intimacy in our marriage?

By Anonymous September 22, 2014 - 5:52pm
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My husband and I have only been married a year and I'm already seeing a drastic decline in how often we make love.
We got married last year. I was 19 and he was 21. We were together more than 2 years before tying the knot but we were not intimate to avoid any possible complications due to our young ages and mainly long distance relationship (he is in the army). Our first time was a couple weeks before our wedding when I joined him at his duty station. In a few months it quickly went from making love every or every other night (besides during my menstration) to once or twice a week. And it keeps slowing. In the last month or so,we've only had sex maybe 3 times. I keep trying to start things but I keep getting shut down.

Yesterday I did something I've never done and looked at the browsing history on his phone and I found porn, and quite a bit of it. I feel like I've become not good enough and I don't know how to bring it up. Everything is fine outside of the bedroom, kissing holding hands, random gestures of affection, even showering together. But as soon as we hit the sheets, it's like we're dating all over again just cuddle and sleep.

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Dear Anon 

Thank you for your post and welcome! I'm sorry to read about the difficulties in your relationship but we’re here to help.  

There are many reasons why sex stops or is drastically reduced in a relationship. It can be due to stress, ill-health, a hectic schedule, illness, fatigue, depression, medications or a lack of interest in sex. A person may want to stop having sex with someone because they are no longer sexually interested in them.

To know why your husband has changed and to understand why your intimate life is lacking, you will need to talk to him. He is the only one who can tell you the truth, all we can do is give you possibilities as we have done above. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your husband and we don’t know what he has to say about things.

Tell him the truth and never play head games. Tell him you love him, you miss the intimacy with him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your husband needs to accept that things are going wrong in the relationship and needs to take part ownership in this.

If porn is an issue, that is also something you will have to work through together too. Porn in itself is not harmful to many people or couples. But some men get so addicted to porn that they are unable to perform with their willing partners because pornography can really distort reality.  They cannot distinguish fantasy from reality and expect women to be howling with sexual pleasure as soon as they are touched, to have tiny waists and large breasts and to look perfect. Remember these women are photoshopped and touched up and are wearing wigs, makeup and have had plastic surgery. You cannot compete with a fantasy and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship.

Don’t beg for sex or nag or cry. It’s time to have an adult conversation in this adult relationship. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you. But without this, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.  

Make a point of helping to make things better and I hope your husband will work with you. If he is not interested in making any kind of changes, then the changes will have to come from you. You will have to decide if this is what you want from your life or if you want more. That will be up to you.

You cannot “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your happiness is also a priority.

We hope this is helpful to you,


September 22, 2014 - 6:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Pam Ellen)

Thank you for your helpful words. I finally gathered the courage to ask him tonight.
We have had some close calls in the last year, as I am not on birth control. We want to one day start a family but not while we're still getting used to being married. Also we are in the middle of transferring out of military life with no certainty of our future. He said he is scared for an unplanned pregnancy. So we agreed that we need to make an appointment for me to see a doctor asap.
I also explained to him that if he has thoughts that huge that could have impact on our relationship that he needs to talk to me. He said he didn't think about how it would make it seem that he's choosing porn over me.

Thank you for giving me the courage to talk about this with him.

September 24, 2014 - 1:38am
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

You're very, very welcome. And I'm so glad that you and your husband were able to talk things through and make plans to go forward. The military life can be a very difficult one, and transitioning from it is another challenging process. Being able to talk openly and honestly and support each other will make a real difference in how the transition goes for the two of you. Take good care.


September 24, 2014 - 6:39pm
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