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What defines a relationship, intamacy or friendship

By Anonymous May 31, 2011 - 9:04pm
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I am a twenty year old female, and my boyfriend is twenty five.
We have been together for just over a year now and I can't stop second guessing our relationship.
There hasn't ever been really intimate sex, and these days there hasn't been much sex at all... we have sex once every month or so. (Yet, we see each other at least once a week)
I consider myself attractive. I am 5'11" 120lbs, well toned and take pride in my appearance, but without being sexually wanted my self-esteem has lowered significantly (although I try to hide it)

My boyfriend and I have what I would consider thee perfect friendship. We have tons of fun together, we can talk to eachother about anything, we communicate well, and support eachother in any ways we can... Is this enough? When it comes to relationships does sex play a significant role in defining mr. right or mr. right now?

Add a Comment5 Comments

i think you two might just have different sex drives (there's no better or worse here, i express no judgement).. or he might feel physically insecure next to you for some reason - maybe he thinks deep inside you're out of his league and that he can't please you for some reason.
this anyway doesn't justify his egoistic behavior in always accepting oral sex and never giving anything back, or using it as an onset for something more.
are you sure he's aware of how he makes you feel?
if he is, are you sure he's this amazing right person you should be with? because amazing right people are there to boost your self esteem and make you feel good and better about yourself and not to bring you down in any kind of way...

June 2, 2011 - 3:24am
EmpowHER Guest

Thanks for replying Rosa,
What if there has been open communication about it?
I've tried to mention it in different ways, but he's all talk and no walk with this one.
I am getting to the point where I think if he did try to have his way with me I would feel that he was only doing it because I wanted to, not because he wants to,
He reasons that he is self-conscious... however he has no problem with me pleasuring him orally etc. but has never orally pleasured me.... never mind having intercourse. I find it hard to believe he is self-conscious when it's my body he won't touch.

June 1, 2011 - 8:46am
(reply to Anonymous)

Could he possibly be self-conscious not about his looks but about his performance? If that's the case then that would explain why he isn't making an effort to please you or have intercourse. Unfortunately Anon, there are many reasons why men won't have sex with their girlfriends/wives-- sometimes the truth comes out in the open, sometimes the other partner gets fed up, and sometimes we never know the truth. But if you're unhappy now, it may never get better. My only suggestion is that you try communicating once more and come across as passionately as you have come across to me. That's really the best thing you can do-- because you can't force him to have sex and if he's just not that into sex with you, nothing you say or do will change his mind.

Wishing you the best,


June 2, 2011 - 6:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

I would first like to say, I am ecstatic that I have found a place where I can express how I feel and actually receive feedback! Both of your words have been helpful.
However, as someone who always over analyzes here are some reasons I put blame on for our lack of intimacy.
When we first met, I caught my boyfriend sending pictures of himself... down there... to other girls over the internet. Then six months down the road I caught him doing it again. Is this something that men do because of a lack of ego, I cannot wrap my mind around why men do this. Sometime I wonder if I should have ended things the first time I caught him. I seem to always be feeling unstable, constantly checking his email and blackberry (which he has given me permission to do).
Another reason I feel we may lack intimacy is because of how I look down there. My labia isn't that perfect and tiny, I know it's not abnormally large or anything yetI always feel I'm trying to compensate by keeping a pristine body elsewhere and ever since I was young I've wanted a reduction. Is this just a self esteem thing or are some men actually turned off by it?
Another self-esteem issue I have is that I get wet... really wet. Even if I'm just a little bit turned on. May this be a turn off?
Are maybe me and my boyfriend too comfortable with eachother? Should I be making more of an effort to keep my make-up and hair done rather than putting on my PJ's in the afternoon?
Lastly, I have been told by my doctor that his penis is actually too large for me and bangs and bruises my cervix so the once in a while we do have sex I am always in pain (although don't mention it often) but we have discussed this pain and it actually compromises our sex-life and what positions we are able to do etc.
When we do have sex, it always seems like a race to finish...
I know there are a lot of new questions arising in my comment, but appreciate any and all feedback.

June 2, 2011 - 10:30am

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for your question! A relationship is a balance between both intimacy and friendship. If you are 20 and your boyfriend is 25, then you should definitely bring it up. Not by nagging him about the fact that you aren't having sex but just to see if he's happy with your sex life. Granted, if you see each other only once a week, then that's four times a month and he may just want to spend quality time with you those four times a month, it's just a little odd that he doesn't want to take advantage and be intimate with you. But everyone is different, so give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him know how you feel and hopefully you can both find a happy middle where you get more intimacy and he's happy where you are.

All the best,


June 1, 2011 - 7:06am
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