Facebook Pixel
ask: 

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND'S DIRTY SECRET

By April 26, 2011 - 6:04pm
 
Rate This

Hi,
I recently found something disturbing when I was looking through my boyfriend of two years emails. I was looking for an email he sent to someone and I went back too far (these emails are about a year old) and I noticed a sent email to an address cumf***mya**. I obviously clicked on it and I found out he was answering ads to various men on Craigslist with the intention of having sex with them. There were very explicit emails to about 8 different men all in one night and after that night there were no more emails. I confronted my bf and first he denied it but he called me back a half hour later and told me he never pursued anything with any of the men and that he wasn't gay and didn't know why he did that. He said that it was around the time he realized that our relationship was getting serious and that night he felt like he needed to make sure that I was what he wanted, but later realized that "he was crazy and decided not to act on it"

I don't know how to respond to this... What should I do? Does this mean that he didn't love me like he says he did? Even though he swears nothing happened and that he has never had a gay experience could he be in denial and not want to come out of the closet? I feel like he didn't do anything more than the emails, but isn't that wrong enough? How could he even think about straying from someone he "loves"?

Add a Comment16 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

This almost sounds just like What im liveing with, my long term partner and I have been together for 9 years, while I was pregnant with our third child I found web pages and links to gay porn on my partners phone, also found a few dateing sites with emails to man asking for pics and meet ups text mags from guys with filthy things there going to do to each other , more then one reply of how awesome the night before was in the car park :( so I know he has been with more then one guy since we have been together. It hurts to the point I am unable to function through out the day, I can't trust him I can't forgive him but I still love him it cuts me up inside to know he could do this over and over and not once think of me or how I feel just his sick fetishes. I can't understand how he can lie to my face and say he hasn't cheated or smile when I say his bisexual and shake his head like I'm crazy

March 31, 2016 - 9:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have the same problem today! I found out my bf of 6 years has been messaging a guy on Kik messenger under a fake name! Arranging to meet up with him and sending him photos of his you no what!!!! We have 2 children together and I just don't no how to feel about it!! I found his account yesterday he lied at first then told me he made it but chickened out! And today I seen that recent chats he had been talking to this guy so I messeged him pretending to be my bf and found all this out! So I confronted my bf n he admitted it but sed he never was going to meet him he did it to hurt me? But these !messages are from a year ago! So if they were to hurt !e surley he wud of let me no in some way! N he sez he is not gay! I just don't no what to do as he is the father of my children!!! I also caught him watching porn the other day while I was upstairs?? And its not like we don't have sex either! I just don't get it!!

November 25, 2014 - 9:49am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Believe me i know how you feel!!! I wrote the one that starts with "holy crap". Its a horrible feeling!!! And i dont understand it. ...at least you and yours have sex...while i was pregnant i was lucky if we had it once every 4-6weeks...and i wanted it like EVERY day thrre times a day!!! After thr baby the first time was like 4 months later and only because i begged for it. Then over two months later....that one he actually came home from working a double shift on the police department and said "lets go upstairs" i nearly fell out of my chair i couldn't believe what i was hearing!!! I want it all the time but he's always full of excuses "im not in the mood" "i never think about sex" "im tired" . and even when we have it theres no romance or sweet foreplay its traight to the action....i mean j guess i shouldn't complain at least theres that...
He used kik messenger and god knows what else... Craigslist....he got a hidden emil address that i havent figured out the name to yet that hes using..only cuz i found all the other ones he used. So he created a new one and keeps it hidden. He'll only use it at work or when he's certain that im not around. He logs ingo it all the time under a 'private' screen on his iphone. And on his iphone and ipad hes got tons and tons of porn and hookup websites visited, most gay. A couple weeks ago he had screenshots on his phone of craigslist ads for married men looking for hookups. Once i found a pic of another dudes junk on his phone. I found pics of his all the time and he would claim that theyre all old pics that keep coming back when his phone updates. A couple months ago i made a fake email address and posted a fake ad on craigslist for a tranny looking for a "dom" since thats what he seems to look for the most...sure enough the next morning while he was on duty he replied with pics and all!!!! I packed up my car with some clothes and toys for the baby and left that day with no intention of coming back. When i confronted him he claimed once again it wasnt him that someone got ahold of his pics and was posting it. Ugghhhh. I just want the lying to stop!!!!! ....okay so really i want all this shit to stop....but that's never going to.happen. i ended up giving in and coming back the next day because the baby could tell things werent right and just kept crying all day and night. I dont have the physical or emotional strength to deal with that right now. So i pretend
Every day..that im alright. Its exhausting. But im doing it because i hope for now at least its the best thing for the baby.

November 25, 2014 - 10:34am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sweety leave. It's best for both you and the baby. I may not have a child with my ex, but we had the same story. He would get distant no longer get hard and I thought it was me and the day he broke up with me I found him online looking for trannys and fem boys on Craigslist and hookup sites through his email I was devastated and eventually he said he was bi, I took him back but nothing changed he was still talking to guys on the side and I left again. I still feel hurt but I'm better now. Leave before it gets worse! U really want to lay up and raise your child in a home with a man who's lying to you daily and sleeping with other men? Leave, obviously let him be a father and learn to coparent but leave that home and start a life dedicated to you and your son , not your cheating lying manipulative gay bf! If you want feel free to speak to me bc im going through it now

April 5, 2015 - 8:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Its horrible tho ain't it! I have no clue on what I should be doing!! He lied about it for 2 days with different stories! He lies to me all the time! I don't no weather I should just end it! Because to me its like he cheated on me where he arranged to !meet up with him and the things he was saying and to me its worse because I was in the house while all this was going on looking after his children! Its like a slap in the face!

November 25, 2014 - 10:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Agree. 100%..theres no easy answer. My brain says get the "f" out now amd get far far away... but my heart doesnt want to leave. I love him..or.at least the person i thought he was... But he'll always be my sons father and how can i deny my son that?? I grew up in domestic abuse and divorced parents and swore i would NEVER put my children through any situation like that. Yet here we are.
He acts like nothing is wrong and still denies everything. I hardly believe a word that comes out of his mouth now..He's cheated on me our whole relationship, even if nothing physical actually happened (and i pray for health sake.that nothing ever did) the intent, the conversations...all that is cheating. And with guys!!! And lying about it!!! Ugghhhhhhh!!! It makes me sick to my stomach. The amount of things ive discovered and read that hes written to all these people.... Talk about post partum depression...times a hundred becAuse of all this crap!!!
How can we have a relationship with all these secrets and lies? I have literally begged him numerous times to be honest with me about it. I dont like it but at least if hes honest then i can consider forgiveness...until then its just another web of lies. How can he swear he loves me and do all this to me?? That's not love.

November 25, 2014 - 11:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Exactly the same here!! How can !an think they can lie and get away with it! Don't they realise then women are investigators!! Its a hard situation to be in and I am hoping to god that when he gets home from work tonight he tells me the truth about everything because I have already figured it all out so if he lies to my fave again then that will be it! If he can lie with no problems then that ain't the relationship I need to be in! A good relationship is honest! And I want a good relationship!! As much as I love him its what I need to do or he will keep going behind my back!

November 25, 2014 - 11:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Holy crap this sounds like I wrote it!!! Back in January I found an insane amount of stuff in my boyfriends email and phone. I was 5 months pregnant with our son at the time. He swears to God and on his kids that he didn't do anything to this day. The amount of stories and lies he tells are unbelievable!! Other women, men, transexuals, "twinks" (whatever those are). I could write a novel here on what has happened with this over the last 11 months but long story short, he denies it all and I have lost all trust and respect for him because of it.
It's somewhat comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through something like this. Had it not been for our baby I would have been out the door for good that day in January.
I just don't know what to do. Why can't he just be honest with me???

November 20, 2014 - 11:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I feel for you CHitown4 life. I found gay porn on my boyfriend's computer a little over a year ago and he denied it at first but then he admitted to it. I told him I also saw he was on craigslist and he admitted that he emailed a guy then deleted the reply email from the guy because it "freaked him out." He said he did it because he was high and when he was alone for a long time before he met me, he was lonely and things weren't working out with women so he thought he might be gay. He felt very guilty, anxious and upset afterwards. He was crying, etc. He said he would do counseling, anything to make it work. He quit smoking pot too. We went to a handful of sessions and then he started complaining about the wait and what the therapist was saying. We stayed together and I tried to be there for him and forget it but it still bothers me today. Now I don't know what is happening between us and he doesn't seem like he wants to own up to it or he doesn't really seem remorseful. I am going to start taking better care of myself over our relationship and start seeing a therapist to heal the pain. So I feel for any of you ladies going through the same thing but we should remember to not feel guilty or take it personally even though that is easier said then done.

November 19, 2014 - 5:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend I recently went threw his emails and all kinds of responses from craiglist men women trannys couples.. a couple pics as well we have a 8 year old and I'm pregnant now I don't know what to do. .. everything was going good we were planning to get a house and get married... he started crying and saying how he's so sorry and he has a problem. ... he loves me with all his heaet how he would do anything for me. ... I'm really disturbed by all this... the pics he says are old but we were still together I'm so hurt.. he's now admitted all kinds of things to me I'm really lost

November 1, 2014 - 2:04pm
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!