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what do i do ...help

By August 20, 2009 - 1:58am
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OK THIS IS A LONG STORY ...I am 30 years old , I have been in a relationship for the last 11 years , and i have been living together with my boyfriend for the last 3 years. We are not married, whenever i bring up the topic of marriage he gets upset and changes the topic, so i have given up on that. Apart from the few ups and downs we have a good life. Last month i found a phone that he keeps in his car and went through it , i found a few tele nos on there...i tried the numbers and it was another womans no., first i thought nothing of it..i did not ask him about it. then one day he said to me he was going to play golf with some of his friends and had taken a day off work , he normally plays golf so i did not think anything.that day i somehow had a weird thought or feeling , and tried to call him from the morning , but he did ot answer , i then tried the nos that i found on his cell, and found out this was one of the girls that worked at his company previously, one of the nos was her office no., and when i called they said she was off work for the next 2 days, i continuosly called their nos and they did not answer, finally that afternoon i called her no. again , and asked her if she knew my bf, she said yes and that he was her boyfriend , amazing part is they have been dating for 3 years, i am still shocked until today. upon approaching him on this , he gave me a pathic story saying that he was sorry and he was trying to break it off with her, he used to tell me he was working on saturdays, but he obviosly was not, since this problem , he has never been to work on a saturday.

the women says she did not know about me...if you are dating someone for 3 years , would you not vist their home or meet their family or even get calls in the evening or weekends, spend holidays and special occasions together for that matter. he told her there was no cellphone reception where he lived so she could not get hold of him....whenever they slept together it was in a hotel, not in his home , where he lives alone....weird huh ...and mind you a cheap scrappy hotel ...yes i found a receipt...

my problem is this , after being through this, he has aked me to let him handle the situation , as he feels that it would be bad of him to hurt the other woman as well because she did not know what he was doing , so he wants to tell her that he does not want to see me or her , and wants to be alone , but if she ever calls me , i must play along , so she believes that he did not choose me and wont feel bad and will stop calling him ...does that even make sense.

for some dumb reason i went along with it, now when i ask him whats the situation he get angry that im keep questioning him about it ...am i just being dumb here, this has definately affected our relationship in ways i cant describe, i dont know why i am not leaving , i dont know if im afraid , or just still in shock....or just stupid ....what do you think?

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HERWriter Guide

Kitty, I'm so sorry that everything you thought you had with this man was a lie.

I agree with Anon - he may very well still be with this woman and telling her the same thing as he told you - both of you think he is alone, when in fact he still has both of you. To maintain a double life like this took years and years of lying and cheating; it's mind boggling.

He's not "wonderful" - wonderful people don't cheat and lie and then manipulate the people who love them into covering for them.

He has "stolen" from you and then asked you to refund HIM your lost property! And you are doing it!

You'll be in pain for a while. If you weren't, you wouldn't be human. You have been through a lot.

Your mom may be disappointed your relationship didn't work but she should be there to comfort you and help build you up again. You are the one who needs support now, not your boyfriend or mother. You did nothing wrong!

I normally hope that relationships can be rebuilt and made stronger but in your case, you need and deserve a fresh life on your own, and ultimately with someone who loves you. What happened isn't love and right now you are too hurt to see it. It'll take time but you will be ok.

I wish you the best - a broken heart is just like being very sick, but you'll mend - I promise you that.

August 21, 2009 - 12:26pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Kitty:

I would recommend that you leave him immediately, ask your mom to move back in for a month while you arrange a new living situation, and get some counseling to help you work through this. He is not a wonderful person - he is a confirmed liar who is using you. He wants the benefits without the commitment of marriage. On top of that, the way he has set up the game, he could be telling the other woman exactly the same thing and not make any change.

You deserve a man who will love you enough to marry you. You deserve to be able to trust the man you have committed yourself to. You aren't thinking rationally about this and discussing this issue with some of your friends would show you that.

I wish you luck with your decision but I don't see how anything will really change if you stay with him.

August 21, 2009 - 6:41am
(reply to Anonymous)

thank you .. i know you are right...its just so hard ...my world is just crumbling right now

August 21, 2009 - 6:52am

I'm so sorry! I can really see how painful this is for you.
If you think that staying in another room in the house is the best idea, then do it. I, personally, would move out (at least for a while) maybe stay with your mom for a bit while omitting details about why you are moving out (It isn't working out, we are fighting more than usual, I need some time off, etc.)

I completely understand you not wanting to hurt or disappoint your mom but the reality is that this is not about your mom-- it's about you. At the end of the day, this is your life and whatever choice you make about this situation will effect what the rest of your life will be like, not your moms.

I think the "denial" or "I can't believe he would do that" phase is very normal. No one anticipates being cheated on, betrayed, or lied to by their partner. It's tough. But you would not be the first or last woman who left a man for deceiving her in such a selfish way.

If it helps, maybe you should seek professional help and ask if he would agree to going with you if he truly wants to save what is left of your relationship.

Good Luck, with whatever you decide. I know you will do what's best for you.

August 21, 2009 - 5:59am

Hi Kitty,

I am very sorry that you are going through this at the moment. Honestly, I think you know what to do, are you afraid of leaving him? Do you depend on him for income?

There should be no reason, no matter what or who it is, why he should have A. Lived a double life for 3 years, and B. Now ask you to participate (or play along) with HIS mistake. I am having a hard time swallowing the "I don't want to hurt her feelings" excuse. There is something more to why he wants to now keep YOU a secret.

The decision is entirely up to you, I personally wouldn't stay with him for a minute longer. After this incident you will have lost trust. From now on you will question everything he does-- from golf, to appointments, to lunches, to even going to work at all. Respect is lost in this situation because although you may still feel like you love him do you really want to marry, love, and cherish a person who didn't think twice about cheating for 3 years? It's a tough choice. Ultimately, if you still trust him and still respect him for who he is-- then kudos to you because I couldn't do it. I think, for me, the betrayal is something you can't fix. Financial problems you can fix but a persons chosen lifestyle is difficult to.

Do you have a good support network? Any friends? Family members?

Good Luck, please keep us updated.

August 20, 2009 - 5:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Hi! Rosa, thanks...No i dont depend on him for income, and yes thats exactly how im feeling , i dont trust anything he does, i dont know how to approach the situation, i have been with him for so long its like i cant see myself anywhere else, do you know what i mean...he is a wonderful person , that is why its so hard for me to accept what has happened, cos i never thought that he would do that, yes I do have a good support network, but i have not told my family or friends about what has happened. I dont really want to tell my mum cos i dont want her to be disappointed and thats totally another story, i know she will eventually get over it , but i just dont want to cause her heartache.. I dont know if i should try and give this another chance, but this situation is so hurting , its something i will remember forever.
i think maybe i should step back fom this situation and see how things go , lets see how the converstaion goes tonight , then its, also i have not lived with my mum for so long its like so weird to go back home and not have the freedom and space im used to , not like its a bad thing. i know its a terrible idea , maybe i can tell him that i will stay in another room in the house until i find a place of my own and then move out , i do love him , i cant deny that , but the hurt of knowing what he has done to us is stronger than that love right now....we have been through so much together i actually feel like im losing an arm...

August 20, 2009 - 6:59am
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