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What should I do about him?

By Anonymous May 19, 2010 - 12:47pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. We've been long distance most of that time. Next month I was planning to move to where he is. I found out he's been talking to another girl online. She lives even farther away than I do, and she is significantly older than him. He is very good friends with her and he also likes her as more than that. They flirt with each other and talk about things that a man should not talk about with a woman other than the one he is already in a relationship with. I've already asked him to quit talking to her and he said he can't do that because they have too much in common. He said he'd try to talk to her just as friends but he can't make any promises. He told me he needs to see where things are going with her before he can be with me completely because he will always care about her now. He's hoping that his feelings for her will fade. I don't know what to do. He can't decide between her and me. Whenever he and I aren't talking, I cry. I don't feel the same when I talk to him, I worry that he's just thinking about her. I can't have phone sex with him because I know that he is no longer mine completely. He denys that he's been cheating, though in my opinion I think he is emotionally.

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HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon

Thanks for your post and welcome!

You are indeed being cheated on - via an emotional affair. These affairs can be far more powerful than an affair simply based on sex. Sex is sex but emotions are complex, messy and often long-lasting. Tread very carefully.

First things first - don't even give one second of thought to moving to be with this man. Don't consider it for one single moment.

Your boyfriend currently has two women - you and this other woman. He has told you that he is holding out to see which one he wants.

Anon, I could go on and on about therapy and talking things out but quite frankly, you need to leave him. He is hurting and humiliating you and enjoys taunting you with this other woman. He knows this is devastating - it would be to any woman. Yet he is waiting "to see where things go with her, before committing to you."

Anon - why are you waiting for this man to make his choice? Make it for him. Slam the door on this relationship and give yourself the dignity and respect you deserve. This "man" is nothing more than a shameless jerk who enjoys holding multiple woman on his puppet strings. Time to cut the strings, my dear. There is a wonderful man out there who would live and die for you, yet you're with someone who is cheating and loving how it affects you.

Break free. You deserve it. It's hurt like hell and in a few months you'll wonder why you ever stayed with him at all. Tell this boyfriend that you've made a few decisions of your own - one being that you've realized you are smart and deserving of a real man.

I wish you the very best! Let us know how things to and what decisions you make for yourself.

May 19, 2010 - 1:31pm
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