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What should I do if my boyfriend never orgasms with me and can't stay hard...

By Anonymous August 6, 2009 - 11:39pm
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My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a while and we're really in love. However, whenever we try to have sex, it works at first but he can't stay into it. I don't know, I've never heard of this sort of problem before. I know that he's not gay, because he's in love with me, and I know that he's attracted to me because he gets hard.. it's just staying hard that's the problem. What can I do to help him out? I don't want to nag him... but I LOVE sex, and I love our connection. It just doesn't feel right when we have sex.. Can anyone help me?

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EmpowHER Guest

I love the first thing is always "maybe he is gay." I have the same issue with my wife, but it really boils down to the fact that sex is all about her. She lays there doing nothing, not even kissing me. I give her oral sex until she orgasms about 3 or 4 times, then I stick it in and I get the feeling like she cant wait until Im finished. So I go limp and then she turns on the tv.

Being married makes me wish I were gay. If I were a single gay man, perhaps I would at least get some enthusiasm or a bj once in a while. Enjoy blaming it all on the guy though, it solves all the problems huh?

March 13, 2012 - 8:10pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm in the same boat with my boyfriend. All the people that say, 'don't make an issue of it', 'be supportive', etc. are missing one vital point - we are allowed to have the relationship that suits us and makes us happy and who is supporting us in return??? My boyfriend is very happy and safe with me because I have spent months doing just that - not complaining, being supportive, helping gently if and when I can and listening to him being the victim of the situation ('I feel so bad I leave you frustrated etc). I'm done. Now, I kind of loathe him and feel repulsed by his weakness. Yes, just the response he dreads I guess but it IS a lack of masculinity whichever way you look at it even if he's not deep down gay - and I get the feeling that it is in some ways to do with hidden anger or frustration on his part from the past. (Psychologists say that the way we make our victims feel with a behaviour is the way we felt when the problem with the behaviour started). So, since I feel frustrated, powerless and now angry, I'm guessing someone made him feel that way when he was a kid but like ALL of us, we have to get over our childhood stuff for ourselves. I don't want to be his b*****y therapist! I'm his lover and want to feel that way so for me, this is over, sex is an important part of love and someone who can't or won't learn the basics to make the other happy is truthfully incapable of being in a full relationship and shouldn't use someone healthy to hide and bring them down to their level. As I make the decsion to end this to be honest, a wave of relief comes over me. I know I've only got to this level of anger with him because I haven't been 'allowed' to feel upset by this problem the past few months since all the advice was to be the willing guinea pig for his new exploration of self-esteem etc but do you know what, it feels good to tell the actual truth. I don't want to be. End of. Bring it on - GOOD SEX and a normal loving relationship!!!! Yay.

May 18, 2011 - 6:16am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post. If you have done all you can, and given of yourself in every way, then I don't think anyone can blame you for ending things. Not every relationship can be saved and nor should they all be.

While being understanding and supportive is necessary for a good relationship, it has to be returned. You've done all you could - you have the right to move on with no sense of guilt.

Good luck with your new life and I hope you find a loving partner when the time's right!


May 18, 2011 - 1:41pm
EmpowHER Guest

I feel for you. This has happened to me in the past 2 relationships that I have been in. And at first, I was very patient and sympathetic, and I tried all that I could to help. Now, I am just frustrated and annoyed. I understand that as women we are suppossed to be loving and supportive.. But, when do we matter? When do we get to have a satisfying, fufilling sex life? I have been through this twice, and I am fed up. I have run out of patience. I love my boyfriend, but I am tired of not being satisfied and fufilled, and having to pretend that its ok. Its not OK anymore!

January 1, 2011 - 9:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

I had been dating a man for about three months who gets hard has no problem when i blow him. sex can't stay hard? i'm over it...tried to overlook the problem, blah blah blah...i'm to sexually frustrated & when we go to bed i tell myself its not going to happen just go to sleep. i don't even want oral because what i need it can't or won't give me. i guess i'm just to impatient. i'm going to move on cause as you can tell by this post i'm to f'n horny to stay in this realationship.

September 13, 2010 - 12:51pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am a guy with erection problems from an accident I had when I was younger. For all of you women, your boyfriends are not gay or unattracted to you. I would venture to say that is almost never the case with these sorts of problems. Occasionally it can be due to anxiety, especially after a guy has recently gotten out of a nasty relationship and is just starting to date again. Most of the time though it is a physical problem. Erections are very complex and require a lot more to go right physiologically than it does for you ladies. Blood flow problems, hormonal imbalances, physical trauma, diabetes, the list goes on and on. Please keep in mind though that if your boyfriend is experiencing these things, he is without a doubt devestated beyond words. Impotence for a man is worse than death. An impotent man feels that he will never have a family, children, love, or the respect of his peers, especially if he is young. Nothing in your life seems to matter anymore, and many of us pray to die on a daily basis, and merely go on for the sake of our families. Whatever happens, please be kind and understand how terrible this is for him. His problem has nothing to do with you. If he is distant or pushes you away it is because he fears being humiliated and letting you down. You need to make a descision on whether or not you are willing to stay with him in spite of his problem, as in all likelihood it will never be fully normal. Viagra might help for a while, but even that can lose its effect over time. If you do want to stay, you need to encourage him and make him believe that he can satisfy you 100% through other means. Men need to believe that they can take care of the woman they love in all ways. No man is happy if he feels that he is responsible for depriving the woman he loves of her sexual enjoyment. Finally, make sure he understands that you respect him fully as a man. Respect is everything to us and it will help him to perform to the best of whatever ability he has left.

May 10, 2010 - 5:51pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry you are struggling with living with an erection problem, but I am concerned when you say that "many of us pray to die on a daily basis".

I understand that impotence is devastating, but also that there is help for men who feel that they want to die because of this condition. There are many, many disabling conditions that people live with, and "praying to die" does not need to be a part of the condition. There are many counselors and psychologists who specialize in all aspects of sexuality, and they can offer help and support.

August 10, 2010 - 1:41pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Eh, I get what he means. He and I are in the same boat, just as far as impotence goes. "Praying to die" isn't how I'd describe my general outlook--seems a bit drastic--but I do dwell on the problem a few hours a day. This might be twenty-something logic, but I've always kind of figured that work, dieting, exercise, dressing up, housekeeping, small-talk, yada yada, are really just things I do so that love and sex available to me. Now that I have ED, all those non-sex pursuits are done purely for their own sake, and it turns out they're really boring.

Question for female commenters: when your SO's ED makes you incredibly frustrated/blows up your relationship, is it because intercourse itself is extremely important, or is it because your partner wouldn't do other things to please you sexually? Because I figure if I can get away with just basically giving unreciprocated oral and whatnot, I could manage that. I'd really like to get into a relationship, and then not have it blow up unnecessarily, so my question is something I wonder a lot about.

July 3, 2016 - 10:39pm
EmpowHER Guest

I recently joined as an Expert on EmpowHER and my name is Dr. Barry R. Buffman. You can search articles under my name. I have written re: WhyA Man's Mood Can Change So Easily, andTop Ten Health Reasons To Stay in Good Sexual Shape (with Boston Medical Group, Dotted Line Communication).

January 8, 2010 - 6:08am
EmpowHER Guest

That anonymous poster on the first page is quite right.
Feeding him a no-porn diet may also work.

It worked for me.

December 30, 2009 - 6:07am
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