What's wrong with him and how can we make things better?

By Jasmine C. July 26, 2012 - 1:31pm

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. In the very beginning the relationship started off wrong. He When he found out that I cheated on him ther first time, he took me to go see his mother and left me at her apt to go have sex with his other girlfriend. (he says he never did, but I believe they did--especially if he took his and her pants off...) Then we went to go see his dad for a couple of days. He showed me this bump that was in his groin area and told me that he didn't know what it was. But told his best friend that he thought he had an std and he didn't know whether or not he got it from me or from the girls he cheated on me with ( I later found out from my sister's boyfriend AND his best friend that he told them he cheated on me with a total of 9 different girls). Right before we went back to college he took his ex out to eat and even took pictures with her kissing her and stuff. We had never really had a communication problem until that happened. Every time I would go to him about a problem I felt we had, he never wanted to listen. If he did, he would never respond or engage in the conversation. Which ultimately led me to go find someone else to talk about my problems with. My ex ( We have been broken up for more than 5 years) One thing led to another and we ended up basically having cyber sex with each other. I don't know how I left myself open like that for it to happen but it did. He saw the whole thing because he logged into my account when I was talking to my ex. He brought it up to me and I apologized and promised I'd never do it again (realize that he's never apologized about anything EVER) The communication problem was still an issue, so I became friends with someone from my marching band. Every weekend when we'd go on band trips, I would talk with him and we would actually have a good conversation. Then once again one thing led to another and we ended having sexual conversations, but never had sex. Mainly because I stopped the relationship and communication because I knew that what was happening was distroying my relationship with my boyfriend. Meanwhile, every time I would leave for a different state, he would start talking with his ex ( the same one) and started back going to her appartment and taking her places and spending the night with her. EVERYTHING. Even told her that I was basically her replacement because she wasnt with him in college. Told her that he would never leave her alone until he had her again. She told him that she wished I would die, he just laughed and said yeah. They were plotting to get back together. I found all of their text messages and I asked him about the conversations. He told me that he was just talking to her because she was doing nothing with her life ever since they broke up. He felt like he could help her by giving her the idea that they were going to get back together. I didn't believe his explanation, but I left it alone. Then I told him that before the new year came I needed him to tell me everything bad he's done and be honest about it, and I would do the same. He didn't do it. The next year came and as soon as we got back around each other, he started downloading naked pictures of his ex (several times after he said he wouldn't do it anymore after every single time) on his cell phone, computer, game station. EVERYWHERE. I was self concious already about my body because my body is not like all of his other girlfriend's bodies. I don't have big breast nor are my curves very obvious, but I'm not fat. I was just 5'5 and 156 at the time. When we met I weighed 125. I had gotten pregnant twice. The first time was a miscarraige, and the second one was all bad. Too much to explain, but in the end I ended up having to have an abortion. I know that killed him because it killed me too. Nothing was planned but it happened. When I got pregnant the second time, that's when he started watching porn and downloading more videos and naked pictures of his ex. I couldn't for the life of me figure out WHY! I kept asking him: for his ex's pics--"I don't know why. I saw them and well I just downloaded them. Hell! Why would I look at your naked pictures (because I sent him some too when we first got together) instead of hers???" When he said that, it really hurt me thus, we broke up for about 3 weeks. I didn't question him about the porn until recently. He started back downloading porn and trying to talk to his exes. I guess in hope to see them when I went off the basic training and ait or went back home. Either way, he started back talking to them trying to see them. He would try to hide the conversations, but I would go onto AT&T's website to see the numbers. I told him to stop and he stopped. But only for a couple of weeks. I went on my computer to take off an email feature I had on my cell phone. He flipped. He thought that I was going on there to check up on him again, but that wasn't on my mind to do. I told him and he made a big scene with his family saying that I'm always starting stuff with him. So, when he sat down, I went and looked because he made that big of a scene for a reason, and I wanted to know why. I looked: he had been talking to a girl that I specifically asked him NOT to talk to all day. I mean literally ALL DAY, and he ignored my text messages to answer hers. I went and got his phone, acted like the girl texted him and said that she did. He had the "oh sh*t" look on his face, and then he TOTALLY flipped out on me. I tried to leave the room and just get myself some fresh air, and he told me that he wasn't going to be the only unhappy person in the relationship. So we broke up again. A month before this argument, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Unfortunately the guy who I had cybersex with got my number from someone and texted me the day before( I didn't tell him who the person was) I told him that he was my cousin because I didn't want for him to get upset. I told my ex to never text me again, and he didn't. But after he proposed to me, he found out about it and broke off the engagement. Just like that. I never took off the ring until the 500th time he told me to take it off. After that argument things were quite sour for some time. And we totally stopped having sex. Nothing intimate period happened between us. No kissing, touching, sex, ANYTHING! Not even talking. That's when I found even MORE porn on his computer. Again, after he told me that he wouldn't do it again. We got into a heated argument about that because that was the final straw for me. I told him that I'm sorry that I don't look like his exes and like porn stars. He then said the most meanest thing to me that he's ever said ( worse than when he called me a dirty b*tch). He said "well you used to look like them. Maybe you would now, if you got off your fat a** and did something instead of eating all day." After he said that, I made a decision to get back in shaped for myself. Because I realized that I was very insecure about myself. I guess because he never gave me compliments about my appearance and yet, he would give other girls compliments. That really bothered me...so much. so I've started exercising like CRAZY now. I do Insanity, run about 6 miles a day, lowered my calorie intake, yoga for 30 minutes a day. I do anything and everything to keep myself active so I won't have the time to sit and contemplate about my lack "sexiness" to him. I mean in the beginning, he couldn't keep his hands off me. We had sex about 10 times a day, literally. And then it dwindled down to barely once a week...to once a month...to once every blue moon. Then every time I complained he'd say something like, "well, I'm not going to have sex with you Jasmine! I just don't want to. You might as well go find somebody else to f*ck because I'm not doing it." I'd just look at him like...???? Like why say that to me instead of trying to fix whatever the problem is? As if he wanted me to go and cheat on him again, so he could go and cheat. Then the other night we got into another argument. I told him that he stopped saying "I love you" either just telling me or responding to me saying it. I told him that he never kisses me and that I'm always trying to kiss him, and then when I try, he gets really upset. I told him that ever since summer started, all things problems with him have arisen and I'm trying to figure out what the problem is really. Like as a whole, what the problem is. He got upset and didn't want to answer the question. I told him that I get no attention from him at all, and he didn't even want to tell me why. All he wanted to do was say, "Well, I don't know why you think I'm not going to cheat on you, but I am, I feel cheated. I know I told you, Jeff, and Charles that I cheated on you with all those girls but I didn't. I told them that for many reasons. And If you don't want to understand that, that's your problem, not mine. I'm going to cheat on you. There's no doubt about that." So then I asked him if he wanted to really be with me he said yes, but he wants me to stop asking questions and to stop complaining. I told him "I complain a lot now, because there's something wrong. If everything was perfect I wouldn't be complaining, but here I am....so...? I come to you when I complain because I want for YOU to fix it. Not another man again. Because I want to be with YOU, I want YOU to fix our problems with ME. Not to go off an watch porn or look at naked pictures of your exes, but look at my body. Look at ME." I guess he didn't understand what I mean because the other night, he downloaded porn again. THAT actually was the final straw. I packed up my stuff, and I moved into the other guest room in the house. I called him, he ignored me, so I texted. I said "Look. I'm tired of playing this run around game. You say you're not going to do something, and then you do it. I say I'm not going to do something anymore, and I don't. Why can't you do the same? You say you're so unhappy but look at what you're contributing to the relationship. What you're putting in, is not to get postive results but more negative than ever results. And if you think I'm just going to sit around while you watch porn and lie and destroy our relationship, you're highly mistaken. Either quit with the porn, or I'm leaving. Plain and simple. There's not going to be another time to fix this because it's happened too many times with you. You know how it makes me feel and the arguments it starts but you keep doing it and doing it like you don't care. And then you have the audacity to say everything you say to me. I'm not going to cheat, watch porn ( I really find it to be disguisting), or tell somebody our business. I'm just going to leave you. Leave you the hell alone with your porn and then everything will be okay. You don't want to have sex with me or anything intimate with me but you have the apetite to watch porn. It's not like I turn you down or don't want to try things with you. I'm actually for all the new kinky things you want to try. I even went and bought outfits to make you happy. And like...? Once I do that...that's it. Back to the same old porn watching David. Like I said, either stop with the porn or I'm leaving. Dont call me or text me unless you're apologizing or telling me what you're deciding to do." And well...he didn't contact me all that day...all that night until about 7. Asked me where I was and I hung up in his face. Then he called again after I texted him not to call me unless it's one or the other. I answered. He asked me where I was again and I told him and hung up the phone. When he finally came back to the house, he saw the porn I pulled up and left on his computer that he downloaded and the room was empty. He came to the room I was in, and basically told me that he swore that he wasn't going to do it again. That he only did it to make me mad. Everytime I would make him mad he wanted to make me mad. I was like "You need to grow up. Every time something makes you mad, it shouldn't be your number 1 goal to go and do something to make them mad. When you make me mad I dont go and do things that I KNOW are going to make you upset. You promised me that you weren't going to watch porn anymore and yet here you are." He went on to tell me that he really didn't watch it but he downloaded it and left it there for me to find so I could get upset. Said that he stopped being intimate with me for many reasons: 1) Stress 2)the miscarraige and abortion really got to him, which made his sex drive low 3)I make him mad too much. I was like "okay 1) I have stress too, but I still have a high sex drive 2) It really got to me but you don't see me taking it out on you every chance I get. I know you have needs and so I try to fulfill them 3) You make me mad all the dang time, but yet I still find myself attracted to you and wanting you the same way I did when we first met." I understood everthing he was telling me but I just felt like he was using all of that as a cop out. Because he's always had stress and still had a high sex drive. Had more stress when we got together, but still had a high sex drive. Through EVERYTHING he had a high sex drive. Through everything. And now all of a sudden he doesn't...? He had these issues with his exes and he STLL had a high sex drive. None of them were deprived of sex...except me. He denies me sex like I have the plague or something. The only thing he's concerned about for us is anything finanacial. That really has his focus but everything else in the relationship is just forgotten by him...but not by me. I'm thinking that maybe he hasn't forgiven me for my faults and yet I forgave him a long LONG LONG time ago for them...Idk...He told me that he would be pro for our relationship and nothing negative again, but...idk about that too since he goes back on his word all the time. I just want to be happy. Be it with him or without him, but I really DO want to be with him. That's why I'm sticking it out and trying to be a real woman and not just run away or go cheat on him...it's so hard...I dont know what to do....

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Maryann Gromisch RN Guide

Good for you!! And don't back down. You deserve better than what you had with him. Please don't sell yourself short.
Maryann

July 27, 2012 - 4:50pm

Empowered

Maryann Gromisch RN Guide

Hello Jasmine C,
What you need to do is eliminate this man from your life. Your relationship with him has been plagued with trouble, infidelity and anguish. Think of today as the first day of the rest of your life.

Maryann

July 26, 2012 - 4:27pm

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Jasmine C. (reply to Maryann Gromisch RN)

Thank you for reading my novel :) I hadn't spoken to him for two days and last night he told me that he had been thinking about everything we'd been through. He finally admitted that he has been destroying this relationship and that he was going to start working on being positive and pro for the relationship to get better. I didn't automatically take him back, but I told him to get himself together first before he wants to hop back into a relationship with me or anybody else.

July 27, 2012 - 8:07am