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I am desperate for help.
I am a lost 23 year old who inside feels and acts like a little girl.
I am in an adult relationship with my partner who is nearly 30 and I love him so so much that it has become obsession. I have always had anger issues but since being with him for nearly 3 years Ive seen the worst come out of me, I get really crazy and angry, I kick things, throw things, punch things, I get so crazy when I am in a rage i even do weird mental things like screaming and crying hysterically, falling onto the floor, pulling my hair fiercely, last night I even punched myself really hard in the eye i was going mental. I do all this in front of him and he's scared, he loves me so much but he says he cant take this anymore so then he breaks up with me and i cant stand to be without him and that sets me off going crazy, I even grab knifes, tablets, threaten to harm myself, I took an overdose two weeks ago and ended up in hospital.I have self harmed in the past.I know I have something wrong, either a mental problem, some emotional issues or bipolar but the doctors are slow at helping me.when will they help me, when I am dead? Why have I turned into this crazy psycho girl? I am so afraid and thats why i often want to die..who wants to be a crazy mental young girl..what kind of life is that? :( :(
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Add a Comment15 Comments
The school records are from high school and the doctor said he needs them to make a proper diagnosis, I have emailed them recently explaining I cannot get them but no reply yet.
August 14, 2010 - 2:30amWhen I wrote this before I was employed but yesterday they sacked me which has turned my world even more upside down, I dont want to be claiming benefits.
I do live with my boyfriend but am unable to distance myself from him, I have family here but they not very helpful and compassionate i dont have any friends except a couple who I worked with that I got on well with. Everyone seems to abandon me, I know i must be a terrible person for them to do this but I really try to be good. I love nature and animals , I am always trying to help people in need so I dont understand why people dont like me much.
I am definitely not exaggerating my symptoms, everything I say is true. I want to find a therapist but they all cost money and now I find myself unemployed I am even more stuck.I will private message you my city
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I keep going to the doctors and they agree I need help, they say ''we will refer you to this person, that person, etc, you are on a waiting list, someone will contact you'' and nothing ever happens. I haven't yet been diagnosed with anything, in the process of being diagnosed with adhd by an adhd specialist but he needed by school reports which I cannot get, there always seems to be a barrier.
August 8, 2010 - 3:12pmim going again tomorrow to ask for some counselling or something but i always feel like they never seem to care, but oneday it will be too late :(
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You have the choice whether it will be "too late" or not. You can choose to learn some behavior change techniques while you are seeking treatment, as even when treatment does begin, it will take some time.
First of all, you said that you are 23 years old, and that "school records" are needed? Is this from high school, or from college? I'm not sure I understand this, as you are an adult, and should be able to seek treatment without "records".
- Are you currently employed, or still in school?
- Are you living with your boyfriend, or are you able to distance yourself from him?
- Do you have family or close friends who can offer support, and even a place to live if you need?
There are many therapists who do not have waiting lists. Are you needing a specific therapist for insurance reasons, employment reasons, or referral?
Can you send me a private message and tell me where you live (just city, state) and I can help you find some resources.
It is up to you how assertive you would like to be in seeking treatment. We can be right there with you, but you may need to begin calling different specialists, hospitals, clinics to find the right person. There are patient advocates, and your own primary care doctor should be able to help as well. Are they not taking you seriously? Have you told them the entire story?
I am sure we do not know the entire story, as ADHD does not "cause" abusive behavior and anger/rage as you described in your original post.
There are plenty of counselors who care. If you have found one that is not a good fit for you, it is not personal, and does not mean they do not care about YOU. They may have too much workload, may have other specialties, and you can absolutely tell this person, "I do not feel this is a good fit. Can you refer me to another psychologist?". They should not take this personally, as there does need to be a good patient-doctor relationship, and not everyone works well together. You need to feel cared about, and heard.
I also don't know you, and am not sure if you have exaggerated any symptoms or experiences, so please know I am taking your word that you are going through all of these situations and we can help guide you through. As much as you care to share with us, we can help you.
Please let us know how your counseling goes tomorrow. You can get through the barriers; everyone has them working in the health care system and it is just a fact of life. Just expect them to be there, ask questions and move to the next one. You can vent here, but be sure to continue using your assertiveness skills, advocate for yourself, and get good information from those helping you.
August 8, 2010 - 6:42pmThis Comment
I also wanted to add that this behavior does not sound like you are acting like a "little girl"; that makes it sound too cute and as though you have cute jealous crushes or outbursts. Your behavior is more serious, and potentially harmful long-term...but you can seek treatment for any depression or other condition, and learn appropriate behaviors with dealing with conflict and your feelings that are out-of-control.
Movies often depict the jealous rages of lovers, that quickly turns into passionate sex. This does not happen in real life, in healthy relationships. We all get furious with our significant others, but learning how to respond in productive ways is essential in a healthy relationship. It must feel awful to have such uncontrollable anger, and not know what to do with it. You can get help, it may take time for your current treatment to work. It is important that your anger is not turned against your partner (abuse is any type of physical threat, like grabbing a knife, as well as verbal assaults), and also so that your anger is not turned toward yourself (self harm).
Please let us know how we can help in finding you additional resources.
August 8, 2010 - 5:48amThis Comment
You are not crazy, but you do need to seek the help of a psychologist right away. Self harm and abusive behavior towards another person are signs that you need someone to talk to, and possibly some other treatment options.
I hope your boyfriend can stop enabling your behavior as well.
Can you tell us what type of doctors you are seeing, what type of treatment you are undergoing, and what conditions you have been diagnosed with? How long have you been seeking this treatment, and do you have the support of other family and friends? Are you able to distance yourself from your partner while you go through treatment?
August 8, 2010 - 5:36amThis Comment