why does he choose porn over me??

I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I love him, but I really believe he is addicted to porn.
A month or so ago I found that he had been using porn pretty regularly. I had suspected for a while because our sex life was awful. We did have sex once a week, most of the time, but he made it clear that he was just doing his duty. There was no intimacy and he definitely did NOT make me feel desirable, wanted, or even loved. He was rushed, not gentle, and bored - and he didn't even try to hide it.

Yeah, that made me feel great. When I confronted him about his porn use he denied it at first, but I had proof. Then he got mad and said it was all my fault. I was not "available" to him (lie) and I was never around when he wanted it (another lie).

I work from home and I pay ALL our bills. I am ALWAYS here, ALWAYS accessible.

He said he wouldn't do it anymore (yet another lie - see a pattern?).

But he did.

I told him our marriage wouldn't work if he continued with the porn. He got mad at me and started saying he was going to leave. He totally gaslighted me.

He was blatantly choosing the porn over me.

Then some things happened and he stopped for several weeks but now I suspect he is starting up again. I can't prove it, just a gut feeling.

Of course I have ZERO trust in him. I am trying to rebuild my marriage but some days I can barely look at him. How can he say he loves me and do something so soulcrushingly devastating to me?

Before we even got married HE told me that doing that was cheating. He said it was adultery. I agreed. We had a MUTUAL agreement that HE initiated and now he is backpedaling.

Some days I just want to walk away. My heart hurts so much. Things have been good, but I still don't trust him and there are things he is doing that are raising my suspicions now. Like I said, I may just be hypersensitive because I've already been cheated on by him and I am still hurting from that. I just don't know.
I wish he'd never done that because he was the first man I truly trusted. I really thought I could believe in him and I've found out that he is just like the others, a cheater.

I am trying to believe him, believe that he is being faithful to me now, but I still have so many feelings from when he was doing it before. When he was at work I would cry nearly the entire time I was so depressed. I couldn't eat so I just said I was on a diet. The truth was, I couldn't eat and when I did I just threw it up. I am eating now though, some anyway.

I am severely depressed, but I am hiding it pretty well. I've considered checking myself into the hospital more than once because this has me so devastated. I feel ugly, worthless, hideous, not sexy or desirable at all, and about half the time I fantasize about ending my life.

How could he do this to me? Why doesn't he even care? Why am I not enough?

Wow, u just described my relationship exactly to a T.......I'm going through
The same exact thing....,..he watches porn numerous times a day, and when he goes to the bathroom he takes his phone with him and he stays in there for almost an hour.......the only difference between me and u is that at least you're getting sex once a week, we haven't done anything in almost 8 months, not even passionately kissing.......if anyone has any advice for me, I will gladly accept it, thank u for letting me vent

as time as progressed it has got worse, it is everyday now and its impacting our relationship greatly. I no longer try to talk to him as it does not stop him. He feels no guilt, lying. I have a record of dates and times now and he still denies like I'm crazy.

Hello toscar1960,

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so sorry to hear that you struggle with this as well. Trust is one of the most important elements of any healthy and happy relationship. Couples don't have to agree on everything-but when someone is lying to you, there's no foundation for the relationship to flourish. You shouldn't have to "compete" with the porn. Your partner needs to make the decision to put you first in his life and kick the porn or get help. If he can't or doesn't want to give it up..then ultimately you know where you stand. 

I hope this helps!

Best,

Kristin

I know what you are going through, my boyfriend of almost 3 years prefers porn over me as well, when we first started dating our sex life was great, then I moved in and the first time I caught him was very upsetting he told me to get out of the room. I tried talking to him and he got very upset, so I left it alone and still we were not having sex. I told him it was me or the porn and he said he wanted me. But he still is watching porn, I even put a web watcher on his computer and it told me every time he went on a porn site, I asked him and he lied to me. I am ready to walk away from him, the problem is I love him very much, but I can not compete with his porn.

thank you for your advice, I have tried talking with him and even suggested watching it together so it's not a secret but he tells me he doesn't need porn and does it in secret, I am truly grateful for your advice and I will give a big think into my next step.

Dear Anon

Thank you for your post and welcome! I am sorry to read about the difficulties in your relationship but we’re here to help. 

Just so that you know, this problem is not a reflection of you, it is a problem that HE is having and has to deal with. In no way should you feel unattractive or pathetic!

There are many reasons why sex stops or is drastically reduced in a relationship. It can be due to stress, ill-health, a hectic schedule, illness, fatigue, depression, medications or a lack of interest in sex. A person may want to stop having sex with someone because they are no longer sexually interested in them. 

To know why your boyfriend has changed and to understand why your intimate life is lacking, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, all we can do is give you possibilities as we have done above. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things. 

Tell your boyfriend the truth and never play head games. Tell him you love him, you miss the intimacy with him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that things are going wrong in the relationship and needs to take part ownership in this. 

If porn is an issue, that is also something you will have to work through together too. Porn in itself is not harmful at all to many people or couples. But some men get so addicted to porn that they are unable to perform with their willing partners because pornography can really distort reality. 

You cannot compete with a fantasy and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship. 

Don’t beg for sex. It’s time to have an adult conversation in this adult relationship. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you. But without this, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.  

Make a point of helping to make things better and I hope your boyfriend will work with you. If he is not interested in making any kind of changes, then the changes will have to come from you. You will have to decide if this is what you want from your life or if you want more. That will be up to you. 

You cannot “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your happiness is also a priority. 

Did this help Anon?

Best of luck,

Kristin