Facebook Pixel

Why does my boyfriend have anti-sex phases?

By July 18, 2009 - 5:57am
Rate This

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. He goes in and out of phases where he doesn't want to fool around or have sex with me. He is currently in one of his phases (which usually last about 2 weeks but happen almost once every two months). What happens is that I try to talk to him about something sexual and he starts saying how he wants to be abstainant. However when we are actually together and alone, he doesn't have a problem touching me in a sexual manner. It's like he's all talk and doesn't follow through. I don't know if I'm doing something to turn him off of sex when we are just talking on the phone or whatever but then he changes his mind when we are together...? I have no idea what is going on. I don't want to pressure him to have sex with me but these phases are really random and strange. Any ideas about how I should open up the convorsation with him without sounding pushy?

P.s. He isn't very good at having serious convorsations like this (he's 18) but I need to talk to him about it.

Add a Comment43 Comments

Well I'm getting a job soon so I guess I'm on my way to becoming financially independent haha. I mean I obviously don't need to e quite yet cause I've got my momma and papa. Haha but yeah I'm gettig there. (it's nice though that my boyfriend makes alot of money to buy me nice things though cause he's started his own business thing :) )

August 14, 2009 - 8:44am

That is good to hear. Confidence, along side being financially independent, is crucial to a woman. Financially independent means being able to afford your own life style with no assistance at all. You don't need any sort of additional income to make ends meet. Not saying that you don't know what that means... but clarifying because everyone has different ideas on that.
With confidence and financial independence... you can then select a mate and not be desperate for it in any way at all. So if you are in a relationship, cool... but if you are NOT, then it's whatever. You are in no hurry. That then radiates off of you and men are typically drawn to that type of woman like a magnet. Just good info for any woman to have!!
Keep up the good work!!

August 14, 2009 - 8:38am

Oh I would just like to assure you that if you did know me, you deffenantly wouldn't tell me to build MORE confidence. Haha i'm probably one of the most confident egotistical girls you've ever met. Haha. But yeh I ttally get what you're saying. I'm building a life outside of just him.

August 14, 2009 - 7:29am

Sorry if I came across as implying that you should play games. I didn't intend for it to come across that way. What I was hoping to get across is that by taking back a little bit of control... even of yourself, you might start to build more confidence in you! With him or without him.
Anyway, that was what I meant. I surely want you to be happy... not because I know you or anything. But because I have felt the way you feel now or from time to time and 18 yrs later down the road (I'm 36 now) I wanted to pass along some lessons I have learned.
Hang in there! :)

August 14, 2009 - 12:42am

Yep. Haha. I mean I don't want to play games with him or anything. I mean the bottom line is that he is my boyfriend and we know each other well enough to know that I'm not a very mysterious person and if I started to be mysterious I know he would think thy somethings up. Basically I'm just going with the flow. That's what I do. I know he cares about me and I care about him but were not looking as far as even next year. It's just day by day and were making the most of it. We like to have fun.

August 11, 2009 - 1:52pm

Alright, I'll tell you a story. I wasn't much to look at (very very scrawny and quite a late bloomer) when I was in Jr. High. Then I moved to my dad's in high school and boy what a difference a summer and a new school made... I was a hit! However, teenagers can be shallow and stupid (some grownups too) and some of them figured out I didn't come from money (I had to make that destiny for me as a grown up! :-)

So some of them didn't go out with me but a few times... However, I might add - THEY ALL came back to me my senior year... and I was SSOOO not interested in them by then! haha
I fell gradually but then MADLY in love with a guy - we'll call him Jessie - when I was a sophomore. He asked me out for homecoming and we were inseparable after that! He was very shy and he had a couple of crooked teeth (which weren't bad AT ALL, but he was self conscious of them) so he would smile very embarrassed like. He always made me feel like he felt he was LUCKY to be with me... and he was in AWE that I'd be with him. It stayed that way for about a year and a half or so, then I got the wandering eye for a guy - we will call him Tim- that I had the BIGGEST crush on. I didn't love Jessie any less, I was just young and hadn't experienced hardly ANY dating or certainly not kissing other guys... I broke up with Jessie to go out with Tim - who I swore later, had to be gay... I looked so cute that night and he acted like I had Hepititus or something. I was so turned off by that, I ran right back to Jessie (he didn't know all this) and I learned my lesson and knew what I had.
BBUUTT, not long after that, it was his turn... he started doing some shady things, caught him in some lies... we had some ups and downs. But he was my first love, my first sexual experience... he was the center of my world. Now, mind you... I have learned as a grownup that you NEVER EVER EVER make a man the center or your world... but I have told you all of that.
So, it hurt a lot, these girls I would catch him talking with or flirting with were seriously totally ugly. Not anywhere near something to be jealous of... except that he apparently was interested in them. I was crushed.
He came over one day - and it literally agonized him but he told me he needed time to himself. I cried, he cried - it was awful. But he jumped right back up on the horse and ... I tried to fight it, he can't not love me anymore, he can't not still FEEL all that for me. There were times he'd think I was asleep on the couch and he'd say the sweetest most loving things to me... I ran those through my head in total confusion. But the harder I tried to stop it from happening, the worse it hurt me. It also made me look foolish and pathetic. He wasn't hurting, but he knew I was devastated. So, upon advice, I went on a date or two and sure it ate him up but he wasn't budging what he was doing...

Time passed and I won't lie to you - it took me a good 5 YEARS to truly get over this guy. I was already married to my son's father before it actually started fading away. Those first loves are a killer... but they are bitter sweet and you can't change what is inevitable. It would be weird, seriously, if you guys never dated anyone else or had lives outside of each other. It seems romantic and sweet, but mark my words... it's 9 times out of 10, a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. You are meant to experience life as YOU and he is meant to do the same.
The "Jessie" guy... he never stopped loving me. Swear he didn't! He was just being a guy, a teenager with raging hormones - curious about the world and wanting to run at it. I saw him from time to time, would run into him... and he had several children (like 4) and had all this baby momma drama.

I ran into him about 6-7 yrs ago at a gas station, heard my name called and looked over - was like hey... uugghhh he was fat - not obese - but not the guy I dated!!! :-)
He was looking at me with the same look he always had... he still loved me. I knew right then, he never really got over it... but life takes it course and things DO happen for a reason.
Don't be his pillow babe... don't be "available" to him, in any way shape or form because all that screams is... I am right here whenever you want me back!!
You will hate yourself for that later... trust me, go do what I told you to a while back. Go find YOU, what YOU like, make some friends that he DOES NOT know. Don't always answer when he calls, be elusive, be busy but cordial.
He'll be ate up... but that is not why you do it... you do it, to say... "I am important. I count! I love you but I am going to let you have what you need and you are going to do that very same thing for me".
IT will be SSOOO hard, but I promise you - time does heal it and before you know it, it's just a pleasant memory that makes you smile and makes you happy to think about. And who knows, if the paths are meant to meet, they will.

You needed to do this anyway, take your chance now!! Ok....
Sorry for the lecture, I just know how it feels... nothing anyone says matters. But I do hope a "little" of it sunk in!

August 11, 2009 - 12:30pm

That last comment was also me

August 11, 2009 - 11:12am
EmpowHER Guest

No you're not rude at all. Everythigs fine now. I've been talking to him and some of his friends and basically he jut wants to be less serious. He wants to have more fun. Also he doesn't want to say he loves me anymore but it's confusing. Like last night we were at the pool and he wanted me to like be his headrest for him so I did and I was like "I don't know how you don't love me" and he was like "I do love you" and so we started talking and he said it's confusing why he doesn't want to say it even if it's just in a more casual way. Not like "I love you I'm going to be with you forever" way cause neither if us want to think that far right now. So I talked to his friend and he said that my boyfriend does love me and care about me but he just wants to have fun. Which I get but it's still weird to ne why he can't say that he loves me if he wants to sometimes.

August 11, 2009 - 11:08am

Oh my gosh... Bean... I am sorry I missed the last couple of posts... you must think I am so rude! I would have thought that. I don't know how I did...
How are you... are you guys still on "a break"... what happened?
Write back and tell me everything!!!

I will do my best to be wise and helpful...

August 11, 2009 - 9:44am
EmpowHER Guest

By the way thy last comment was by me, bean. I don't know hy it says anonymous.

July 26, 2009 - 5:41pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!