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ask: Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

By Anonymous
 
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We have been together almost a year now, when we first got together we couldnt keep our hands off each other and I still feel that way but since I got pregnant and we moved in together we barely ever have sex maybe once a week if im lucky and im pretty sure i only get it then because he knows i get sad easy i am 6 months pregnant! I found out he watches porn most mornings after I go to work and that really hurts me im carrying his child i want him to want me like i want him, not to want porn over me that makes me feel fat and ugly and useless and im not fat ugly or useless so why does porn interest him more than i do ? and i understand men are visualbut that doesnt seem to matter to him ill put on my skimpiest clothes and underwear but he barely notices i could be naked and he'd barely notice we go to bed and i present myself open and he doesnt notice he doesnt even show me the slighest bit of affection anymore in or outta the bedroom we pretty much dont even say i love you anymore and yet i crave to hear it and feel it and around the time the sex stopped so did basic communcation so i cant exactly talk to him about it he just walks away when i bring up any form of a problem really we only talk about him when it comes to casual conversation he ignores or changes the subject to his life when i bring up mine did i do something wrong i havent changed much in the past year except bein pregnant.....am i really just missing the point blank fact that he doesnt want me anymore? why wont he just say so why wont he hear what i have to say and why does he say he stillwants me around yet the only reason were still together is the child i carry cause we sure have nothing else in common anymore

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I stumbled across this article while removing a virus from my daughters laptop. I am a 49 year old male. I am the founder and director of a 501c3 non profit that deals with addictions. What makes our program somewhat different is that we work with both male and female sex offenders. What we have learned is that watching porn is addictive in the same way that gambling, food, shopping, facebook, and relationships become addictive. Porn becomes an escape from reality. When life becomes unpleasant EVERYBODY seeks some sort of activity or substance to make things a little more tolerable. Porn is especially damaging. It causes an extreme amount of shame and guilt which drives the person further into isolation and denial. Porn causes much of the same behavior as we see in drug addicts and alcoholics. Shame, guilt, denial, blaming others, justifying their actions and avoiding any sort of accountability. Any attempt by spouse, family, or friends to come between the addict and their substance or activity of choice (coping method) will always end badly. The user / addict's brain will kick into self preservation mode and YOU become the enemy. The part of our brain that controls our "auto-pilot" functions also controls our "fight, flight, or freeze" functions. These functions are hard wired into us to ensure survival. When we are faced with a situation our brain makes subconscious decisions that determine which one of those "functions" we must do in order to be okay. We stand and fight or argue, we run (like we saw a bear or spider) to avoid confrontation, or we go into a paralyzed state of fright / shock. This is also refered to as the "i just feel numb" state of being.
I said all of this to set up the following point. When you catch you significant other watching porn, shame and guilt set in, which causes the brain to go into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode, and YOU become the bad guy. How can you expect your significant other to be attracted to you and be truly intimate with you if he or she sees you as the enemy? It has NOTHING to do with you being unattractive or unlovable. This is NOT about YOU. This is an addiction to sex and sexual fanticies. Even if you offered to act out the sexual fanticies and dress / act like a porn star it will never be enough. I compare that to offering an alcoholic alcohol free beer. Porn is especially hard to break free of because in our "anything goes" society we are bombarded with sex from every direction. Parents are allowing their teens to dress like porn stars and then sit in my office, in total bewilderment, as to how little Sally got herself into this mess, or they demand a lynch mob when a man touches their precious angel (who is dressing like a porn star). Porn addiction will be like any other addiction, A life long struggle filled with periods of abstinance followed by periods of relapse for the addict and a life that resembles a wicked rollercoaster ride for the one who is close to the addict. There are programs and support groups for sex addiction. AA also has meetings called SA, and Celebrate Recovery has meetings with small groups specific to porn and sex addiction. Before any hope of recovery there must first be honesty. Failure to admit there is a problem is the biggest hurdle. If the porn watcher in your life refuses to be honest and seek help my suggestion is that you seek a way out of that relationship.

February 2, 2015 - 10:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am in a similar situation with my partner of 3 years. At first we was all over each other. We moved in together after a year of being together things where fine at first then he was becoming more distant, then I fell pregnant with our son he is now 4 weeks old. I found out last week that he has started watching porn! I have told him how this makes me feel so many time the fact it makes me feel ugly and fat the fact he would rather get his kicks off other woman than his devoted girlfriend I just don't understand why u would wank over someone that gets payed to flash her bits. Can someone help me please before our relationship is over.

January 27, 2015 - 1:15pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry this is happening to you. 

Some men love porn - they just do. They find it exciting, sex, a turn-on...it's just a fact.  Not all men are into it of course but many men are.  The problem is that some men get so addicted to it that they can't even perform for a real woman - they are so caught up in the fantasy that a real women just doesn't work for them anymore.  They want the fantasy porn star who screams and shouts and has big fake boobs and a flat belly and lots of makeup - again, a fantasy - make believe. 

This wrecks relationships and demeans the women they are with. If they choose to keep using the porn for sexual stimulation then the real relationship becomes fake - if that makes sense.  

You need to talk to him again. I think women who are pregnant or post-partum can be particularly vulnerable - you are recovering from birth, taking care of a tiny human and meanwhile, your man is off having fantasy sex with a "star" on the net.  It's not acceptable. 

Tell him he stops/gets help or you need to reevaulate your relationship.  You should never settle for second best - he should be running in circles trying to help out and making you feel good after having his baby -  not dong this. 

Let us know how things go. 

Best,

Susan

February 2, 2015 - 4:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ive got to say ..as bad as it may sound I feel better to know I am not alone in this mess.
I have been married for 12 years and my husband would rather watch porn than have sex with me too.
When we were dating he could keep his hands off me.
But the moment we were married..I mean even the wedding night he did not want to have sex..saying he was too tired.
to cut a very very long story short..he tells me all sorts of things as to why he doesn't want to have sex..sometimes the excuses are me..sontimes he says it's not me???
Ive come to a point where I dont bother initiating sex anymore because hee either shurgs me off..or hes done do quickly and I'm left lying there wondering what was all that about. I can go anythinb from 1 week to two- three months without sex. And it seems to not bother him.
ive turned to porn myself some times to help me masturbate.but I hate the thought of it. I hsve also ..( and I'm not proud of this ) but ive gone oytside my marriage and had an affair as I was lookinb for some love abnd attention and it seemed right at first..I felt justified because he didnt care about my feelings or needs.
There is a 10year age gap between us too. He uses that excuse too that its because of his age. But I know that's not necessarily true because the guy I was seeing was 4 years older than him. And he would have me gasping for breath.Anyway I don't want to bore you all, but ive read books on porn addiction, ive spoken to counscellors, ive done pretty much everything but leave him.
we have 5 children between us 2 of which are biologicaly his..and in a way its the children I feel for most..and the fact I would have had a failargeed marriage. But I am not happy im lonely..loveless and almost feel like my sex life has ended.
ive bern told by some to leave and by some to stay and just do something on the side. Neither of those bits of advice seem like sommethjng I wsnt to do..but at the same time I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice is welcome.
yours sincerely frustrated
T

December 29, 2014 - 8:00pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I've been married for 31 years. Me and my husband just reunited a year ago. He didn't treat me all that well in our first 30 years. I took him back when he reassured me that things would be better. They were for about 11 months than I went home to see my Mom over the holidays and returned home to find a completely different man. I've catch him numerous times on porn sites. As soon as I leave the room he's watching filth. I no longer have the will to fight this fight. Pornography has put the finishing touches on my marriage!!! I'm done

January 24, 2015 - 12:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ive got to say ..as bad as it may sound I feel better to know I am not alone in this mess.
I have been married for 12 years and my husband would rather watch porn than have sex with me too.
When we were dating he could keep his hands off me.
But the moment we were married..I mean even the wedding night he did not want to have sex..saying he was too tired.
to cut a very very long story short..he tells me all sorts of things as to why he doesn't want to have sex..sometimes the excuses are me..sontimes he says it's not me???
Ive come to a point where I dont bother initiating sex anymore because hee either shurgs me off..or hes done do quickly and I'm left lying there wondering what was all that about. I can go anythinb from 1 week to two- three months without sex. And it seems to not bother him.
ive turned to porn myself some times to help me masturbate.but I hate the thought of it. I hsve also ..( and I'm not proud of this ) but ive gone oytside my marriage and had an affair as I was lookinb for some love abnd attention and it seemed right at first..I felt justified because he didnt care about my feelings or needs.
There is a 10year age gap between us too. He uses that excuse too that its because of his age. But I know that's not necessarily true because the guy I was seeing was 4 years older than him. And he would have me gasping for breath.Anyway I don't want to bore you all, but ive read books on porn addiction, ive spoken to counscellors, ive done pretty much everything but leave him.
we have 5 children between us 2 of which are biologicaly his..and in a way its the children I feel for most..and the fact I would have had a failargeed marriage. But I am not happy im lonely..loveless and almost feel like my sex life has ended.
ive bern told by some to leave and by some to stay and just do something on the side. Neither of those bits of advice seem like sommethjng I wsnt to do..but at the same time I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice is welcome.
yours sincerely frustrated
T

December 29, 2014 - 7:59pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Me and my boyfriend have only been together for a out half a year, and at first we had sex every night. I'm 18 and he is 22. Now he barely cuddles me before bed, and I'm lucky if I have sex twice a month. I always have to initiate the sex, and then he gets off and passes out. Another thing, he never really tries to pleasure me. I'm always pleasuring him. And then I found out last week that he's been watching porn. He basically ignores me when we have our down time Because he plays his PlayStation and I just sit on the couch with my phone, since he ignores me. The most he does is give me a few kisses and then goes back to playing his game. I don't feel I am unattractive at all. I'm skinny, got big boobs, and short, and great in bed. I don't want to break up with him but I miss him and our sex life a lot. Honestly I'm very unhappy with our relationship right now and need to figure out how to get more intimacy into our lives.

December 19, 2014 - 7:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm so sorry to say this, and it's only a suggestion. I was in the exact same situatuion, except I'm 19 and have a kid with my boyfriend. I found out he had been cheating on me ever since the intimacy ended. Both in and out of the bedroom. I hope you watch him and find out that he is being faithful. Because there is always a chance it's a completly different situation. At the same time, when someone noticebly changes in this type of way it usually points to cheating. That goes for females as well. Best of luck :)

December 26, 2014 - 5:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My name is myer, I'm testifying that my husband is back to the house now after leaving me for 8 months to stay with his co-worker they have been dating each other and he asked for a divorce. to make things shorter, I met people on-line discussion on how this power woman from thespellpriestessmunak.webs.com. I contacted her and we talked on emails priestessmunak@ gmail.com about my marital problems and she brought back my husband in time with her spell powers. It was like having your life back. I never thought my husband could humbly kneel before me so ask for forgiveness.. I am glad I met this priestess. At least after all I went true I could find and have my happiness back.

December 14, 2014 - 3:20am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey there, I couldn't help but relate to most of your stories. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now, and we've really struggled with intimacy. We do not have any children but never the less, it's still hurts to not feel needed and wanted.

My boyfriend and I have good communication, we have discussed this issue time and time again but unfortunately, little good has come of it. Sometimes things are really good and other times our sex life is painfully dry. I am an attractive women, I know I'm good in bed, as is he, but for some reason he has a hard time getting horny and when he does he rarely acts on it. When he does, I believe it's in an effort to keep me satisfied and to avoid an argument. I'm usually the one to initiate and it makes me feel disgusting. I have been noticing more and lately that when I'm at work or out for a while that he will indulge in watching porn. This upsets me because I am always ready and willing and if he would only wait a few hours he could get it. Although I don't believe that is the problem. I personally think that masturbation is healthy to a certain extent. It's good to have alone time with yourself, it allows you to get to know your body and it's importsnt to do things for yourself. But when it comes to my man choosing that over me, it becomes an issue for me as I'm sure you can all understand.

Let me explain to you a few things that have helped me, because if your anything like me, braking up with someone isint always the solution to a problem, especially when there is a child involved and when you are in love. I am a psychology graduate and I have heavily studied this field of psychology. First of all, I know your probably tired of hearing it, but it really isint you. Men often experience performance anxiety, this anxiety causes them to ejaculate prematurely from added pressure, additionally this performance anxiety could be cause by a previous partner who created some sort of confidence issue and this is unfortunately reflected onto your sex life. This is a very good example of why he would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you. He is in control, free to be a quick and selfish as he wants. Men struggle a lot with the inability to get their partner off, if not at all, then on time before they gets off.

Secondly, sometimes men have a mental blockage due to their past. Perhaps something happened as a child or in his past that is causing him to avoid intimacy. There's a possibility that you elicit some sort of flash back or mental cue, maybe it's something you say, or do, or enjoy that throws him off. Trama such as this can have lasting and debilitating effects on men and women. However men seem to have a harder time coping with and getting over this trauma than women do. This is partly because men are taught to be masculine and manly and not to reach out for help or show weakness and women are depicted as submissive and sensitive beings that are supposed to talk and share and deal with their issues. This is a social construct that many people have a hard time with, gender roles can really affect communication in relationships too. I would suggest working on that first and take baby steps towards working out the other kinks. Once you establish an environment he feels safe expressing himself in, other parts of your relationship will start to flourish.

If neither one of these sounds like your situation then consider this last one. People are easily addicted to substances, gambling, and porn included. If he can't seem to stop watching porn there might be a chance that he is addicted. If that is so, there is no wonder why he would rather watch it than have sex with you, porn is at his disposal, the Internet is full of different kinds of porn, women willing to do just about anything, the sky is the limit, seriously! Dont let that make you feel unattractive or undesirable, normal women and organic, genuine sex doesn't look like that, porn is very misleading. He is living In a pretend world and has ruined real, raw and passionate sex for himself and you! No women can hold a candle to a porn star, not in the way men want us to anyways. His problem is psychological, this is not on you my dear, this is something that is 100% his problem.

If anyone would like to talk more to me please write back. I would love to talk. Self disclosure is an amazing way of coping and dealings with these kinds of issues. If anyone has some advice for me I would love to hear it. Hope this was helpful to you all!!

December 12, 2014 - 11:49pm
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