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Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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ask: Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

By Anonymous
 
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We have been together almost a year now, when we first got together we couldnt keep our hands off each other and I still feel that way but since I got pregnant and we moved in together we barely ever have sex maybe once a week if im lucky and im pretty sure i only get it then because he knows i get sad easy i am 6 months pregnant! I found out he watches porn most mornings after I go to work and that really hurts me im carrying his child i want him to want me like i want him, not to want porn over me that makes me feel fat and ugly and useless and im not fat ugly or useless so why does porn interest him more than i do ? and i understand men are visualbut that doesnt seem to matter to him ill put on my skimpiest clothes and underwear but he barely notices i could be naked and he'd barely notice we go to bed and i present myself open and he doesnt notice he doesnt even show me the slighest bit of affection anymore in or outta the bedroom we pretty much dont even say i love you anymore and yet i crave to hear it and feel it and around the time the sex stopped so did basic communcation so i cant exactly talk to him about it he just walks away when i bring up any form of a problem really we only talk about him when it comes to casual conversation he ignores or changes the subject to his life when i bring up mine did i do something wrong i havent changed much in the past year except bein pregnant.....am i really just missing the point blank fact that he doesnt want me anymore? why wont he just say so why wont he hear what i have to say and why does he say he stillwants me around yet the only reason were still together is the child i carry cause we sure have nothing else in common anymore

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

my boyfriend used to always watch porn, he says he doesnt now, i dont believe him, but i think from watching it has made him selfish in bed, it outs me off, sometimes i think were gonna have sex and he just wants me to give him a wank, i rarely rarely finish but he always doesn, i actually think im just there to please him but darent actullay say anything to him. when i was drunk and upset i told him he was shit in bed, that just upset me but he had upset me a lot, he thought it was to do with his size, (which there is nothing wrong with) he doesnt realise its cos he doesnt try to please him, i think he thinks that women come just from penetration alone, hes nearly 30 surely he should know this isnt the case by now?

August 26, 2014 - 8:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My issue isn't the watching porn and jacking off my issue is when a man prefers it over having sex and tries to avoid sex but then goes right to the playing with himself and porn. If there's a healthy sex life porn is fine but when your siding and making excuses to bit have sex like sex drive is low then why the hell is he jacking off every chance he is alone. To me that makes the man a very lazy selfish lover. They don't want to have to work and please another person so they take the easy way out but those men should be single then.

August 19, 2014 - 2:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

But out of all the years I've dealt with this the one piece of advice I can give you is don't take it out on yourself I still best myself up asking what's so bad about me why is porn so much better to him then me I feel ugly and like there's something wrong with me but remember this he's the one with the problem he's the one who would rather use his hand and look at worn out sluts than have real sex so theres nothing wrong with you and if you confront him you can't expect he will really stop he might for a little while but he will start again and if it gets to be to much or hurts you to much then go find a real man who likes sex they all act like they do at first but you can tell with in a couple months!

August 6, 2014 - 7:00am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

That has helped heaps... thankyou!!!

August 6, 2014 - 3:13pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

That answer is great that lady gave but the problem for me isn't that he watches porn tho he has promised he wouldn't to and I've left him over it cause I said I don't mind if he does but when it inter fears with our sex life I'm going to not be okay with it and it has we went 6 months without having sex and I tried everything I could think of I cried almost every night after making an attempt to turn him on he would either move my hands off him roll over or make dumb excuse why he didn't want to but then he still has the energy to watch porn n jerk it n that's the part that makes me mad not that he does but that I feel he would rather watch porn than have sex with me it's pathetic I mean he literally went n locked himself in the bathroom last night and watched porn n what not while I was awake on the bed I hadn't showered but I did the day before and shaved everywhere hoping he'd get the hint he did but he still didn't want to have sex. We have augured over this for years now I mean I'm a 21 year old beautiful woman not to be coincided just finally to a point where I feel I'm pretty the way I am and if this doesn't stop as much as it would hurt I will probably leave or cheat as bad as that is but I need the flame back or even a spark just something I should feel so not wanted and at thus age I should be able to be as sexually active as I want just as that lady said but I don't like porn or playing with myself so what am I supposed to do he gets his whenever so why can't i!?!

August 6, 2014 - 6:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year and a bit now.
We have amazing sex but hardly ever... at the start of our relationship it was daily now maybe once or twice a month. If im lucky :-(
He said he dosnt have energy to have sex often becuase of work and I am 100% conciderate of everyhing he says and does but he still watches porn and lies when I find out becuase he dosnt delete it off the internet when hes finished ... what the hell do I do???
I try and say something to him and he gets angry and I get upset.
It makes me feel like im worthless, unwanted, not pretty or sexy and that he dosnt find me attractive to him anymore.
What do I do... Ive tried everything....
How would he like it if I got a vibrator and never let him watch ...

August 3, 2014 - 10:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Iv been with my boyfriend for over 2 years.i love him more than anyone or anything and couldn't imagine my life without him, we speak about EVERYTHING. At the start of our relationship he knew how much porn and masturbating meant to me and that I really despise it.. through personal reasons.. he completely understood and we had a heart to heart.
Has never done it since and I couldnt love him more enough for that, recently we have been arguing over silly things lately and I saw his ipad history last night.nnothing could have destroyed me more than seeing several pages of porn and several videos- therefore knowing he has wanked ans watched porn. Two things I cannot deal with
I confronted him, in a complete state, and his attitude has just changed completely,. He startedsaying well It was a long time ago I thought you would be over it, its porn get over it etc etc
He has no idea how much it has really rocked me and my trust in him. I dont feel comfortable lying with him and just beed some help and advice on what to do.
I don't not want to be with him but I just need to know he isnt bored of me and does love me, I feel so rubbish right now

October 17, 2013 - 10:51am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thank you for your post. You shouldn't feel rubbish because I don't think your boyfriend thinks of you in that way at all.

Firstly, masturbation is normal and natural - and healthy. If you don't masturbate, that is perfectly fine and you have your personal reasons that you are perfectly entitled to.  But you have no right to control what he does with his body. If he wants to masturbate he has every right to. Even if he promised before, it's a natural thing that is too much to ask of anyone. Nobody should have control over another person's body.

Your boyfriend is likely very visual like many men and porn turns him on. Sexual images turn the majority of men on and indeed they masturbate to it. 

But if he agreed not to look at porn, then he is breaking his promise to you and this is not right. He is probably able to separate porn from his relationship with you and does not have any personal feelings for women in the porn he is watching but it's understandable that you relate to this very differently. He is braking a promise and now things are all different.

You really do need to sit and talk with him more. You cannot force him to change his sexual proclivities, just like none of us can do that to another. But you do have a choice to make about whether this is something you are willing to overlook - IF - he is fine with what he is doing and doesn't see a need to change.Can you live with this? If not, what is your next step? Is he willing to change?

It will be very hard for you Anon, but I think you have a big decision to make.

Best,

Susan

October 17, 2013 - 11:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thankyou for replying.. it feels nice to talk to somebody..
Like I said if has done it since it would be different but now of all times I dont understand why. I asked him and his reply was.. I dunno
Just like he doesnt care
Hes at work all the time and the time we spend together I try to make as special as possible. I under stand that porn and masterbating is normal but he hasnt done it and is now sort of starting a habit. He knows I am sensitive and exactly how I would feel.. I.e why is my boyfriend who is supposed to love me getting off to another woman having sex.
I would never dream of doing that to him. I havent been the greatest person recently , I get touchy and jealous over silly things but this is a whole new line crossed. I really wanna sort it but he just says its done with now theres no point discissing it
I feel so sad and have so many questions he isnt willing to answer

October 17, 2013 - 12:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Wow. My boyfriend of 5 years (he's 50 yrs old) just masturbated with me laying in bed with him. I was asleep until he grabbed my hand and put it on the tip of his penis and came in my hand. All I said was are you serious! I got out of bed, washed my hand, put my clothes on, grabbed my pillow, now I'm sleeping on the couch. I feel like he didn't want me... I have never seen him jack off. He doesn't watch porn, we still have sex almost daily. I just don't understand. It makes me sad that he would do that with me right there, as if his hand was the better option. We have never slept apart, unless one of us is out of town. We don't fight. We are very playful. I just don't understand why.

September 9, 2013 - 1:23am
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