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ask: Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

By Anonymous

We have been together almost a year now, when we first got together we couldnt keep our hands off each other and I still feel that way but since I got pregnant and we moved in together we barely ever have sex maybe once a week if im lucky and im pretty sure i only get it then because he knows i get sad easy i am 6 months pregnant! I found out he watches porn most mornings after I go to work and that really hurts me im carrying his child i want him to want me like i want him, not to want porn over me that makes me feel fat and ugly and useless and im not fat ugly or useless so why does porn interest him more than i do ? and i understand men are visualbut that doesnt seem to matter to him ill put on my skimpiest clothes and underwear but he barely notices i could be naked and he'd barely notice we go to bed and i present myself open and he doesnt notice he doesnt even show me the slighest bit of affection anymore in or outta the bedroom we pretty much dont even say i love you anymore and yet i crave to hear it and feel it and around the time the sex stopped so did basic communcation so i cant exactly talk to him about it he just walks away when i bring up any form of a problem really we only talk about him when it comes to casual conversation he ignores or changes the subject to his life when i bring up mine did i do something wrong i havent changed much in the past year except bein pregnant.....am i really just missing the point blank fact that he doesnt want me anymore? why wont he just say so why wont he hear what i have to say and why does he say he stillwants me around yet the only reason were still together is the child i carry cause we sure have nothing else in common anymore

Add a Comment25 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Iv been with my boyfriend for over 2 years.i love him more than anyone or anything and couldn't imagine my life without him, we speak about EVERYTHING. At the start of our relationship he knew how much porn and masturbating meant to me and that I really despise it.. through personal reasons.. he completely understood and we had a heart to heart.
Has never done it since and I couldnt love him more enough for that, recently we have been arguing over silly things lately and I saw his ipad history last night.nnothing could have destroyed me more than seeing several pages of porn and several videos- therefore knowing he has wanked ans watched porn. Two things I cannot deal with
I confronted him, in a complete state, and his attitude has just changed completely,. He startedsaying well It was a long time ago I thought you would be over it, its porn get over it etc etc
He has no idea how much it has really rocked me and my trust in him. I dont feel comfortable lying with him and just beed some help and advice on what to do.
I don't not want to be with him but I just need to know he isnt bored of me and does love me, I feel so rubbish right now

October 17, 2013 - 10:51am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thank you for your post. You shouldn't feel rubbish because I don't think your boyfriend thinks of you in that way at all.

Firstly, masturbation is normal and natural - and healthy. If you don't masturbate, that is perfectly fine and you have your personal reasons that you are perfectly entitled to.  But you have no right to control what he does with his body. If he wants to masturbate he has every right to. Even if he promised before, it's a natural thing that is too much to ask of anyone. Nobody should have control over another person's body.

Your boyfriend is likely very visual like many men and porn turns him on. Sexual images turn the majority of men on and indeed they masturbate to it. 

But if he agreed not to look at porn, then he is breaking his promise to you and this is not right. He is probably able to separate porn from his relationship with you and does not have any personal feelings for women in the porn he is watching but it's understandable that you relate to this very differently. He is braking a promise and now things are all different.

You really do need to sit and talk with him more. You cannot force him to change his sexual proclivities, just like none of us can do that to another. But you do have a choice to make about whether this is something you are willing to overlook - IF - he is fine with what he is doing and doesn't see a need to change.Can you live with this? If not, what is your next step? Is he willing to change?

It will be very hard for you Anon, but I think you have a big decision to make.

Best,

Susan

October 17, 2013 - 11:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thankyou for replying.. it feels nice to talk to somebody..
Like I said if has done it since it would be different but now of all times I dont understand why. I asked him and his reply was.. I dunno
Just like he doesnt care
Hes at work all the time and the time we spend together I try to make as special as possible. I under stand that porn and masterbating is normal but he hasnt done it and is now sort of starting a habit. He knows I am sensitive and exactly how I would feel.. I.e why is my boyfriend who is supposed to love me getting off to another woman having sex.
I would never dream of doing that to him. I havent been the greatest person recently , I get touchy and jealous over silly things but this is a whole new line crossed. I really wanna sort it but he just says its done with now theres no point discissing it
I feel so sad and have so many questions he isnt willing to answer

October 17, 2013 - 12:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Wow. My boyfriend of 5 years (he's 50 yrs old) just masturbated with me laying in bed with him. I was asleep until he grabbed my hand and put it on the tip of his penis and came in my hand. All I said was are you serious! I got out of bed, washed my hand, put my clothes on, grabbed my pillow, now I'm sleeping on the couch. I feel like he didn't want me... I have never seen him jack off. He doesn't watch porn, we still have sex almost daily. I just don't understand. It makes me sad that he would do that with me right there, as if his hand was the better option. We have never slept apart, unless one of us is out of town. We don't fight. We are very playful. I just don't understand why.

September 9, 2013 - 1:23am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I agree, that was a rather odd thing to do unless he was trying for foreplay and to wake you up but ejaculated prematurely.

Since this is a first off and you get along very well, talk to him about it.

Best,

Susan

September 9, 2013 - 11:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight. I haven't spoken to him since. I mean it really hurt my feelings. He has never done this before and it makes me think that I'm not what he wants sexually anymore. Or I'm scared this is the start of something more, which may be why I'm not taking it lightly. I'm not going to talk to him until he brings it up. It was really weird today neither of us said anything to each other we just walked around the house trying to avoid one another. He didn't kiss me when he left this morning for work, which he always does, and tells me he loves me, every single day. Except this one..

September 9, 2013 - 11:15pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi, I am 9 months pregnant now, and going through a very similar thing. My fiance and I haven't had sex in over a month now, and the last time that we did he just laid there and received oral. I have offered everyday to have sex of some sort and he just replies that he is tired, or he is okay, or that maybe some other night we could. Which is so strange since we used to have sex everyday (even after two years). Being pregnant makes you feel strange and awkward and fat enough, and finding porn on your fiances tablet makes you feel even worse. So much for support. I don't even know what to do anymore, I feel like if we don't have a good sex life now, after the baby comes its going to get much worse. Its hard to sleep at night thinking that he's just going to sneak out and jerk off in the bathroom, its making me sick.

September 3, 2013 - 4:56am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

its probably not you, its the baby... we just had one 6 months ago. it may be safe by doctor standards (not really sure about 9 months but i thing they said up until delivery is fine?) but its still a bit strange at times especially with the baby moving around so much and doing the "mummy in the sandstorm" and all that. Just wait, he will hardly be able to go the six weeks post partum until you can have sex again.

September 13, 2013 - 8:48am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry that you are going through this while pregnant; it makes a tough thing a lot tougher.

Some men have an aversion to having sex with a woman who is heavily pregnant; this might be the case with him. It's not easy to deal with but he may be put off by it, afraid he will hurt you or the baby - have you talked to him about this possibility?

Things may change for the better after the baby is here but I see he is your fiance; don't marry him until you get this sorted. This is something you need to clear up. Stop giving him oral when you are getting nothing; that makes a woman feel awful - almost like a prostitute. Sex goes both ways.

We wish you the best and a very healthy delivery and baby. Please stay in touch!

Susan

September 3, 2013 - 10:07am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hiding and teasing is never good. I know the feeling of "Am I crazy, or is this messed up?". If you aren't happy most of the time, something's not right. You need to confront him, tell him how you feel, and do what makes you happy. Everyone likes sex, and he should be darn happy someone wants it with him. As far as his choice of porn, it seems like he just wants something really fantasy-like and may be trying to relieve stress, due to a new baby. BUT, he should not be neglecting you either. A relationship is a partnership of equals. Make sure of that. Good luck to you.

June 13, 2012 - 11:59am
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