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Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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ask: Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

By Anonymous
 
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We have been together almost a year now, when we first got together we couldnt keep our hands off each other and I still feel that way but since I got pregnant and we moved in together we barely ever have sex maybe once a week if im lucky and im pretty sure i only get it then because he knows i get sad easy i am 6 months pregnant! I found out he watches porn most mornings after I go to work and that really hurts me im carrying his child i want him to want me like i want him, not to want porn over me that makes me feel fat and ugly and useless and im not fat ugly or useless so why does porn interest him more than i do ? and i understand men are visualbut that doesnt seem to matter to him ill put on my skimpiest clothes and underwear but he barely notices i could be naked and he'd barely notice we go to bed and i present myself open and he doesnt notice he doesnt even show me the slighest bit of affection anymore in or outta the bedroom we pretty much dont even say i love you anymore and yet i crave to hear it and feel it and around the time the sex stopped so did basic communcation so i cant exactly talk to him about it he just walks away when i bring up any form of a problem really we only talk about him when it comes to casual conversation he ignores or changes the subject to his life when i bring up mine did i do something wrong i havent changed much in the past year except bein pregnant.....am i really just missing the point blank fact that he doesnt want me anymore? why wont he just say so why wont he hear what i have to say and why does he say he stillwants me around yet the only reason were still together is the child i carry cause we sure have nothing else in common anymore

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

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December 14, 2014 - 3:20am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey there, I couldn't help but relate to most of your stories. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now, and we've really struggled with intimacy. We do not have any children but never the less, it's still hurts to not feel needed and wanted.

My boyfriend and I have good communication, we have discussed this issue time and time again but unfortunately, little good has come of it. Sometimes things are really good and other times our sex life is painfully dry. I am an attractive women, I know I'm good in bed, as is he, but for some reason he has a hard time getting horny and when he does he rarely acts on it. When he does, I believe it's in an effort to keep me satisfied and to avoid an argument. I'm usually the one to initiate and it makes me feel disgusting. I have been noticing more and lately that when I'm at work or out for a while that he will indulge in watching porn. This upsets me because I am always ready and willing and if he would only wait a few hours he could get it. Although I don't believe that is the problem. I personally think that masturbation is healthy to a certain extent. It's good to have alone time with yourself, it allows you to get to know your body and it's importsnt to do things for yourself. But when it comes to my man choosing that over me, it becomes an issue for me as I'm sure you can all understand.

Let me explain to you a few things that have helped me, because if your anything like me, braking up with someone isint always the solution to a problem, especially when there is a child involved and when you are in love. I am a psychology graduate and I have heavily studied this field of psychology. First of all, I know your probably tired of hearing it, but it really isint you. Men often experience performance anxiety, this anxiety causes them to ejaculate prematurely from added pressure, additionally this performance anxiety could be cause by a previous partner who created some sort of confidence issue and this is unfortunately reflected onto your sex life. This is a very good example of why he would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you. He is in control, free to be a quick and selfish as he wants. Men struggle a lot with the inability to get their partner off, if not at all, then on time before they gets off.

Secondly, sometimes men have a mental blockage due to their past. Perhaps something happened as a child or in his past that is causing him to avoid intimacy. There's a possibility that you elicit some sort of flash back or mental cue, maybe it's something you say, or do, or enjoy that throws him off. Trama such as this can have lasting and debilitating effects on men and women. However men seem to have a harder time coping with and getting over this trauma than women do. This is partly because men are taught to be masculine and manly and not to reach out for help or show weakness and women are depicted as submissive and sensitive beings that are supposed to talk and share and deal with their issues. This is a social construct that many people have a hard time with, gender roles can really affect communication in relationships too. I would suggest working on that first and take baby steps towards working out the other kinks. Once you establish an environment he feels safe expressing himself in, other parts of your relationship will start to flourish.

If neither one of these sounds like your situation then consider this last one. People are easily addicted to substances, gambling, and porn included. If he can't seem to stop watching porn there might be a chance that he is addicted. If that is so, there is no wonder why he would rather watch it than have sex with you, porn is at his disposal, the Internet is full of different kinds of porn, women willing to do just about anything, the sky is the limit, seriously! Dont let that make you feel unattractive or undesirable, normal women and organic, genuine sex doesn't look like that, porn is very misleading. He is living In a pretend world and has ruined real, raw and passionate sex for himself and you! No women can hold a candle to a porn star, not in the way men want us to anyways. His problem is psychological, this is not on you my dear, this is something that is 100% his problem.

If anyone would like to talk more to me please write back. I would love to talk. Self disclosure is an amazing way of coping and dealings with these kinds of issues. If anyone has some advice for me I would love to hear it. Hope this was helpful to you all!!

December 12, 2014 - 11:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My significant other and I have been together for almost 2 years. He's 43 and I am 33. We recently got married. I am almost 9 months pregnant with his son. In the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He used to text and call me all the time through out the day now almost nothing. We used to cuddle every morning before he would go to work now nothing. Sex has dwindled to once maybe twice a week if I'm lucky. He always says he's tired and when we do have sex he almost always achieves orgasm first and then he's done leaving nothing for me. He lies about watching porn, it's on his phone and the laptop. I don't understand he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. It makes me feel fat, ugly, unattractive, and like he's lost all interest in me. To be honest it's very hurtful. I feel worthless.... I work a full time job, contribute equally to the finances, cook dinner nearly every night, do the laundry, etc. I know that I have put on a few pounds (20 lbs. to be exact) but that is only because I am carrying his child. I am 5'7" tall and normally weigh about 110 lbs. I don't get it.... Please help

December 10, 2014 - 11:07am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post!

Firstly, stop doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry, especially when you're nearly 9 months pregnant and working full time.  Don't be a martyr in your marriage - demand equality. 

I wonder if your husband is afraid to have sex with you, when you're so heavily pregnant.  Some men are and they go back to normal once their wives have recovered from childbirth.  It really isn't you - it's him.  He may be afraid to hurt you or the baby.  But if he's getting off and not pleasuring you, that's selfish.  

If this is your first child together it should be a time of great excitement and he should be spoiling you rotten, not ignoring you. Talk to him about how you're feeling - the least he can do is hear you out.  Do this before baby comes along or else the baby will take over all your time and you won't have sorted everything out.  Demand more for yourself, Anon.  You truly deserve it. 

Let us know how you get on.

Best,

Susan

December 10, 2014 - 4:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Been with my boyfriend for 2 years caught him several times on social sites with women ex girl friends etc. and also many porn sites he has gone to extreme measures to hide things on internet apps that look like they are for downloading music all types of stuff. He all ways says he loves me and he will stop, but i know in the back of my head it's only a matter of time before I catch him again our sex is good. Idk I have invested a lot into this relationship and I'm just disgusted, I feel like I'm not beautiful to him anymore I had to vent somewhere cause I'm so over it...why do I have to sneak in his things cause he can't be true to me especially when I'm true to him men & women hit on me all the time. After this relationship I'm done I just don't trust people.

November 18, 2014 - 6:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi,

Anonomys please!!

Same problem here, my boyfriend would rather wank than have sex with me.. We have a 9 month old baby girl, he has cheated twice since she'sborn and he recently came out of rehab for narcotics (he was a drug addict).. So now it look like he's addicted to porn too?? He is only 20 years old!! Please give some advice... Should I walk out of this relationship and create a new life normal & sober for myself & my daughter ..

November 18, 2014 - 11:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Put him outside in the cold - where dogs belong when they are bad.

November 15, 2014 - 6:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I've been with this guy for about 2 years. In this time he has shown how selfish he really is...many times...I would leave but I have no better place to go. I try to love him but its like this - every time I am nice to him and be happy like I want it to be with us - he does something extra stupid. I can't feel comfortable enough to have a meaningful relationship with him. His latest issue is that he can't do anything he wants to do - which this time is watch barely legal teenagers being sexually abused on the internet. And he's mad about being caught/ He's not truly sorry for how he hurt me at all. He's obsessed with naked women and especially teenage girls - my grandfather says he is rebelling like childish people do...I tend to agree....so, I put him outside and let the entire neighborhood hear what I had to say. We live in a very small town so - form now on he gets no sex, no internet use and definitely no sexual contact from me - what a disgusting idiot. Plus I made him take his bed downstairs and wont allow him in the upstairs at all - and I took away his house keys...he tried to get sympathy from his grandfather and his grandfather basically said he got what he deserved. UGH I am so angry. I can't stand dirty perverts.

November 15, 2014 - 6:12pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon! 

You took away his house keys, you put him on the street so the neighbors could hear your fight and you made him take his bed downstairs?! 

You're his mother! 

Get this person out of your house. He is who is he, stop punishing him like he's a naughty toddler - end the relationship and move on.  The fact that he is obsessed with watching teen girls being sexually abused is a massive red flag - get him out now. 

Best,

Susan

November 17, 2014 - 6:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

DONT LISTEN TO ALL THIS BULL ANSWERS HERE FROM THIS PEOPLE WE ARE MANY PEOPLE ON EARTH AND HERE ARE JUST SOME IDIOTS THAT ANSWERS. They are mostly fools.. Its sad to see this answers and how sick the world is outside.

You deserve a partner that treat you the same like you treat him. I am sure that his dick would get very small if he would be in your position.

We are human beings and regardless men and women, some are not just doing it because we are into our relationship love and adore our partner, a moral thing and its just disqustiing.

SERIOUSLY here is 13 answers and we are many human beings on the planet. I am a husband and dad, and porn is an absolutley disqusting and cheating thing to do in a relationship.

To treasure my wife is the best gift god gave me and four amazing kids. To watch porn is cheating and not to look after your sex life and your partner.

To all men out there and women, that watching porn, do you not feel disqusting when watching poor people behind the screen, first you cheating on your partner for looking in another person you should be looking at your wife/girlfriend, husband/boyrfriend and thats why you are together!!! How would you feel when your girlfriend would watch other guys with a bigger dick than you or muscles and she gets orgasm of that.

You would feel useless !! and she too!! and porn is disqusting becuase it expose kids, poor self esteem people with money and drug problems.. Whitch normal person is exposing them self like this.. would you?

So its not the part of the normal is not ment to be, and for everyone saying its normal its NOT, and its many people who share this opinon and have a great exciting sex life. Because they have worked on it!

I am a trained Doctor and love my wife every single day and her beauty and i know she love me the same way back.

Work on your relationship and your sex, and not with being a cheater and watch other people you will lose your wife or your man, and the she or he will lose the sexdrive for you.

October 17, 2014 - 10:07am
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