ask: Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

Hi, Anon,

First of all, congratulations on the pregnancy!

This is a time full of change for both you and your boyfriend. And while it's impossible to know what's happening for sure without knowing the two of you in person, there are some things that happen pretty regularly for couples during pregnancy, especially a first pregnancy.

When you got together, you couldn't keep your hands off each other. That's common! It's new, it's a rush, it's exciting. After a while, that usually settles down a bit, as we get to know our partners more and the newness wears off.

But when a pregnancy happens -- and was it unexpected? -- men can have a hard time with the transformation of their lover into a mother. They see it and feel it as your body changes and grows. It's out of their control. It's their child in there, and they may worry about providing for their new family, or whether they will be a good dad. And sex -- which used to maybe be a combination of release, fun, love and fantasy -- doesn't seem the same to them because they're so conscious that the baby is RIGHT THERE.

I'm not saying that this is what's going on, for sure. But porn would still be that combination of sex and fantasy, with no real-life interference. He doesn't have to worry about the feelings of the girls in the photographs. He doesn't have to think about providing for them or whether he will do OK during labor and delivery. He can just lose himself in the images and the fantasy. It's easier.

I do worry for you that communication seems to have almost stopped between the two of you. You didn't mention how old each of you are, or how much experience you have had in relationships before, or whether this pregnancy was planned. But all those things can affect how you communicate.

How does he feel about the baby? Does he go to appointments with you? Is he eager to hear about the baby's progress? Does he like planning for when it comes?

Me and my boyfriend of two years don'thav any kids together but i do have two and have had a (twins) still birth with him and 3 miscarriages. i have what they call an apron stomachwhich isn't sexy but he says if doesn't bother him and until a few weeks ago we were having intercourse normally (for us anyways) then it just stopped. I recently realized that while i've been pretty mch throwing myself at him and him turning me down for sex he's been waiting til after i go to sleep or work before watching porn and doing it himself. it really hurts and makes me think something is wrong with me. not sure what to think or do about it

---

Hi please help me, I am an Indian and have an affair with an Indian boy from 7 years, we have been living together from 2 years and I love him so much and he loves me as well, I have used his laptop for some reason and seen porn sites in it and even about escort girls in it I asked him and he denied it first and when I said I have got proof he accepted that he has watched porn sites but never went to a prostitute and he said he would stop seeing porn and promised me, but I found 6 or 7 more times in his computer. And our sex life is not very excited as it was in early stages. I really feel so insecure and I have lost lot of confidence, Do I leave him or is there any way to change him please help me I am going mad day by day just thinking about it all the time. I dint share it with any of my friends as they think I have really got a good boy friend. please help me. Thanks in advance. Sweety

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. For the past 2, he's been sneaking porn in the house, hiding it in weird places, even though he has it on his (precious) phone also. No matter what I say or do, he masturbates daily, meanwhile ignoring my needs for weeks. When we have sex, I'm lucky if I get little more than just shoving it in. Meanwhile, he expects oral and all sorts of fun things. Needless to say, I can't get off. I understand all men look, especially if they happen to have it pocket sized and constantly on them. And he acts very sweet, brings me flowers, chocolates, invites me to the movies, etc. But after some snooping,(yes, I honestly feel like I have to at this point) I realize that he does this after, JUST after looking at all sorts of porn. Like immediately after the porn was movie times and sh*t on his history. He also does this really weird thing where he masturbates next to me in the morning while I'm sleeping. I've told him not to hesitate to wake me up, but it seems like he likes the 'thrill' of it? I'm beginning to think all men do this, and if that's the case, I'm switching teams. Is he being normal? And am I being "Crazy" for wanting sex, intimate, passionate, attentive sex with my partner? Am I "crazy" for being hurt? Feeling like he's choosing porn? Sometimes when I come home from work the bedroom door will be closed and locked. Guess what he's up to. Or, there's a mess in the sheets for me. And no sex later. I just don't understand.I haven't put on weight, I haven't stoped doing anything. I try to look good for him, hair make up etc. And like I've said, this has been going on for a long time. I've tried talking, tried sexing it up, (and there's not much I won't do in and out of bed anyway) tried bi*ching, tried ignoring it, I've exhausted every option. I just don't get it. You can't just STOP touching your wiener and looking at nudes, if only to please the girl who gives you everything? The person you say you love? If you have to sneak around to do it, don't f**king do it. Isn't it that simple?
He won't talk about it, and certainly won't stop or change it.
Any Ideas? I'm not going to stay with him forever for flowers and chocolates. I'd rather have sex.