ask: Why does my Husband jerk off while im home, and lie about it?

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Actually, I caught him my first time, and he lied about everything. he confessed, said sorry, but, i hear him all the time, espcially in the mornings. He moans, but he denies it. When he could be taking his horny self out on me. I love sex, and i crave it, so i dont see why he is wanting to jerk off, when he has me.
Hes absolutly Lazy! Usually after work, he comes home, and we eat dinner, then usually watch a movie. usually we rent them, but he always falls asleep, we use to sit together on the couch, but he lays down in the other one and just passes out.

If were laying in bed, and im messing with him to get him aroused, he just lays there. I litterally have to ask for sex, cuz if i dont have sex with him, he goes to option b, bathroom to jerk off. I guess hes just too lazy. Im just at a point too give up. its like hes no longer into me. The sad thing is, Ive lost 60pounds sense i had my son. (i have two kids) ive had all this weight on me sense me and him started dating. actually i was 2 months pregnant, so not quite as much weight put on me. but ive lost it all. and sadly, no affection...
If we do have sex, its graved in my mind that, i, have to be on top. If hes horny, and we mess around (which is rare) ill try getting him on top, but of course hes strong and gets me on top, then im stuck there, he dont want to do new sex moves, nothing. Just that one move the entire time. I ask him to switch it up, and he says, next time, but he says next time every time i ask. so then again, im stuck on top. Hes just too lazy to do anything, I dont have a clue waht too do...
Alot of people would say join him. but its kinda hard, when he locks himself in the bathroom, and denies it, so he pretty much kicks me to the side, as though im nothing. What should i Do???

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EmpowHER Guest

Call me crazy, but maybe you should discuss it with him even if it is uncomfortable. You have received a lot of advice. Some of the advice appears to come from the emotionally scarred. Rage and lack of trust come through in the posts. If you don't address your problems directly, your feelings won't get better. Perhaps focusing on your relationship would be a better introduction to the conversation than an accusation. You are physically interested in him and want to have more intercourse. It's hard to see a bad reaction from that introduction. Being concerned that too much masturbation interferes with your sex life isn't unreasonable.

Masturbation isn't the worst thing in the world if it isn't obsessive or coupled with other addictions. How do you know? You would know. Has his personality changed dramatically? Is he withdrawn and angry? Does he interact with you and the rest of the family? If these aren't problems, then his habits probably are not out of the ordinary. Guys masturbate. They just do. The promise that was made more than 20 years ago was unfortunate. You need to realize that the promise was the mistake, not the masturbation.

Working on your relationship together is almost always good.

Good luck.

- A guy

September 19, 2015 - 4:34am
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my husband for 12 years I've been by his side since we were 15 years I was so madly in love with him when I was 17 I got pregnant we were scared but tried to make the best of it. We excepted the fact we were gonna be parents it never really crossed our minds if we were gonna be together forever. I went into premature labor 5 months pregnant doctors didn't want to do anything further for me or my baby and had to let him go. Life was hard for us it put a small wedge between us but not a huge deal breaker. We got through it. Life was getting better. When we were 21 we got married i was so happy I felt like I was on cloud 9 just so beautiful. A couple months go by and I find out I'm pregnant I'm scared he's scared. My doctor recommends me to not have sexual contact with my husband until the baby was born. To prevent myself from going into early labor. Which I knew it was something I had to do. It was so hard at some times. I would walk in and find my husband master bating and developing a porn addiction. It would hurt my feelings because I was hormonal and wanted to be desired by my husband. I knew it wouldn't be long before I would be holding my baby and life would get back to normal for me and my husband. It hasn't he still likes to look at porn and master bate by himself. Never wants any sort of physical contact with me. Sometimes he wants to talk to me and how everything is my fault and my feelings don't matter. He likes to take our 5 year daughter on dates just him and her he doesn't want to include me. She notices this behavior between me and her dad. She likes to be with me more. I miss her so much i always have to work and he gets to be home with her most of the time. Because he works 3 days a week 12 hr shifts. We go months without any sex. It affects me because I am a very attractive women. I just wish the man I married would own up to it and try to make me happy. I feel like giving up! So I understand how you feel.

September 7, 2015 - 4:37pm
EmpowHER Guest

My wife and I recently had to attend a wedding, for which she wanted to lose some weight. I encouraged her to exercise, I oiled and wrapped her nightly, and massaged her daily. During this period we had some great sex. After the wedding, she put the weight back on and sex returned to normal (not bad, but not great). My sad conclusion is that all my effort was not worth the outcome. Why should I have to work so hard for great sex, when I can find great stimulation on the internet and achieve orgasm without concern for how my partner feels? I think that internet porn has made fantasy sex so readily available and easy that many men prefer it to conventional sex with their partner, especially if they have to work so hard to stimulate a great response from their partner.

September 5, 2015 - 3:25am

Hey anonymous, I have read your predicament that you are in, but if it's any reassurance u are not alone for sure. I for one know how you feel with regards to the masturbation. I honestly believe it stems from an issue that has affected us from the past. I am currently going through Conselling for this. It's only something I've just started and I am on my third session. I am able to say it's very difficult to open up about your thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger, but I do believe if you don't get to the root of the problem, whether you're with your husband or another man, this way of thinking and feeling will continue throughout any relationship. I for one thought it was something I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life knowing that I couldn't trust anyone once my back was turned. I'm new to this site and not sure how it works, but if there is a way of you being able to contact me one to one, I'd be happy to chat with you about it. I haven't fully written about my experience on here, but I would be happy to share with yourself. Also, I am aware that in one of your post you mentioned that you were now having therapy. I hope it's helping and I'd be happy to hear how it's going. I wish you all the best, but remember u r not alone.

August 6, 2015 - 3:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Forgetfulme)

Hey forgetful me,
I posted my story anonymously about my husband of 23 yrs admitting to me that he's been masturbating throughout our whole marriage and how betrayed I feel about it. I read your post and noticed there are several posts written by anonymous users on this site so I'm not sure if I'm the "anonymous" user you are speaking to. My name is Laura if you'd like to confirm one way or another if u are writing to me. I would love to have someone who understands my predicament to talk with. It's comforting to know is not alone. Pls respond and let me know if you'd like to talk!

September 11, 2015 - 2:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

There were some typo's in my story, but hopefully you can figure them out and get the gist of the problem anyway. Sorry about that!

July 7, 2015 - 11:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband of 23 years just admitted to me that he's been masturbating for the entire length of our relationship (30 yrs in total). Given the fact that we met as teens, I'm not surprised by his masturbatng in the " eat years). But once we got married at age 24 and 26, I assumed the need for masturbation was gone. He told me that he is doing it much less often now than he did in his 20's and 30's but I feel totally devastated that for at least 20 yrs of our lives he's been jerking off secret and lying to me whenever unasked about it. I am a very sexual woman who would have sex 7 days a week if my husband was up to it, but of course he's not. I can't help but wonder how many times he's turned me down because he already pleasure himself! In 30 yrs I never once said no to him when it came to any kind of sex. I'm open for anything, I do it all... And the most hurtful part is that he knows it's a turn on for me to watch him masturbate! I wont even have to participate if he doesn't want me to, I can take care of myself while he takes care of himself. I even get turned on watching porn together, which is something we don't do often because I think he's shy or embarrassed to tell me exactly what about it turns him on. I'm a very jealous person so it would be beneficial to both of us if he would just be honest with me instead of leaving things to my imagination. Not knowing makes me angry and I think a woman sitting on a bed can turn him on before any aex even happens on screen. It's the betrayal, it's the lies and it's the feeling of inadequacy and feeling he's not attracted to me that hurts the most. Please help me find a way to not be so consumed by this and secretly hating my husband, although he doesn't know it. Whenever I ask him questions about it he just gives me answers that he thinks I want to hear, not the 100% truth and that hurts too. It makes my own mind fill in the blanks and my imagination of how it went down for him is probably worse than the reality. Our marriage was so great,we were strong partners, he was my rock of Gibraltar,my love, my life and our friends and family admire how loving and strong our relationship still is even after 23 yrs of marriage. I still look forward to him coming home from work, sitting next to me while we watch tv, I admire his mind, he's smart and funny. But I'm losing some of that now. I feel like I may be allowing this to destroy me and our lives together. How could he deceive me for so long and why? Does anyone have any advice that can offer me. I would appreciate anything, I need help. :(

July 7, 2015 - 11:21pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
Most people masturbate despite the status of their sex lives or marital status and most like to do it alone - for privacy reasons and also sometimes to allow them to drift off into a fantasy world. This is natural. We can't nor should control the actions and thoughts of others.

You said you husband "was my rock of Gibraltar,my love, my life..." - he still is. Masturbation isn't going to change that!

He probably lied to you because he knew you would react like this. You're making him feel like a convict. You will allow this to destroy your marriage if you obsess over it. Masturbation is a part of the human experience. You're making a huge deal and really invading someone's privacy. He is your husband, not your property. He loves you and has been a great husband. Appreciate this and drop the topic.


July 8, 2015 - 4:48am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Susan, another important thing I should mention- when I was 11 years old I was molested by my father. I grew up with insecurity, mistrust of men and needing the love of an honest, loving, decent man. My husband is a decent man who is not complimentary, openly loving or reassuring. He says I should know how much he loves me because we are still together and he thinks of me sometimes when he buys me presents that he knows I'll like. He was different when I fell in love with him initially. He claimed many years ago that his job is hard on him and it changed him and made hm stressed out, feel like crap and frustrated him too much. That was a long time ago and he has switched companies a couple of times since then. He never changed back to "himself" ever again. Also the subject of masturbation has come up occasionally through the years and he always assured me that he was not doing it without me. He also had a lap dance at a friend's bachelor party, which he also lied about, he also went to strip clubs for other bachelor parties which he also lied about. It seems as if every time he has lied to me, it was regarding some form of sex which is a very soft spot for me and he knows it. I need a man who will not lie to me. That is where the intense feeling of betrayal and hurt come from. I'm trying to get over his masturbating and lying and being deciteful about it but I think of it randomly throughout the day when I'm alone and at night when we are together. I don't say anything to him about it most times but I'm silently feeling very alone. I've even had thoughts of divorce. I have a disability and I cannot work do if I ever left him I'd be screwed! I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own. I would hate to see this end in divorce after 23 years of marriage but a successful marriage is based on trust among other things and at the moment I don't trust him.

July 21, 2015 - 9:18am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon
You didn't mention any of this before, I can only help by reading the information you're giving me.

I'm so sorry to read that your father molested you. He should be rotting in prison for that. I'm pretty easy going but husband's paying for lap dances is a no-no for me; I think it's a slap in the face to their wives.

Anon, you should enter therapy. I'm not a therapist - you need someone who specializes in these sort of things, you have a lot of stuff to sort out in your brain.

Don't let the monsters in your past rear their ugly heads anymore. You're going to ruin your life if you wallow in this. I understand how awful your past was but it's your past and it's ruining your present and future. I really think therapy is important for you. Don't think about all the reasons you can't do this, one reason is enough: that you get your life back and stop this hyper focus on your husband's sexual matters.
Please consider this.

July 23, 2015 - 5:45am
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