ask: Why does my Husband jerk off while im home, and lie about it?

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Actually, I caught him my first time, and he lied about everything. he confessed, said sorry, but, i hear him all the time, espcially in the mornings. He moans, but he denies it. When he could be taking his horny self out on me. I love sex, and i crave it, so i dont see why he is wanting to jerk off, when he has me.
Hes absolutly Lazy! Usually after work, he comes home, and we eat dinner, then usually watch a movie. usually we rent them, but he always falls asleep, we use to sit together on the couch, but he lays down in the other one and just passes out.

If were laying in bed, and im messing with him to get him aroused, he just lays there. I litterally have to ask for sex, cuz if i dont have sex with him, he goes to option b, bathroom to jerk off. I guess hes just too lazy. Im just at a point too give up. its like hes no longer into me. The sad thing is, Ive lost 60pounds sense i had my son. (i have two kids) ive had all this weight on me sense me and him started dating. actually i was 2 months pregnant, so not quite as much weight put on me. but ive lost it all. and sadly, no affection...
If we do have sex, its graved in my mind that, i, have to be on top. If hes horny, and we mess around (which is rare) ill try getting him on top, but of course hes strong and gets me on top, then im stuck there, he dont want to do new sex moves, nothing. Just that one move the entire time. I ask him to switch it up, and he says, next time, but he says next time every time i ask. so then again, im stuck on top. Hes just too lazy to do anything, I dont have a clue waht too do...
Alot of people would say join him. but its kinda hard, when he locks himself in the bathroom, and denies it, so he pretty much kicks me to the side, as though im nothing. What should i Do???

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Hey anonymous, I have read your predicament that you are in, but if it's any reassurance u are not alone for sure. I for one know how you feel with regards to the masturbation. I honestly believe it stems from an issue that has affected us from the past. I am currently going through Conselling for this. It's only something I've just started and I am on my third session. I am able to say it's very difficult to open up about your thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger, but I do believe if you don't get to the root of the problem, whether you're with your husband or another man, this way of thinking and feeling will continue throughout any relationship. I for one thought it was something I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life knowing that I couldn't trust anyone once my back was turned. I'm new to this site and not sure how it works, but if there is a way of you being able to contact me one to one, I'd be happy to chat with you about it. I haven't fully written about my experience on here, but I would be happy to share with yourself. Also, I am aware that in one of your post you mentioned that you were now having therapy. I hope it's helping and I'd be happy to hear how it's going. I wish you all the best, but remember u r not alone.

August 6, 2015 - 3:42am
EmpowHER Guest

There were some typo's in my story, but hopefully you can figure them out and get the gist of the problem anyway. Sorry about that!

July 7, 2015 - 11:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband of 23 years just admitted to me that he's been masturbating for the entire length of our relationship (30 yrs in total). Given the fact that we met as teens, I'm not surprised by his masturbatng in the " eat years). But once we got married at age 24 and 26, I assumed the need for masturbation was gone. He told me that he is doing it much less often now than he did in his 20's and 30's but I feel totally devastated that for at least 20 yrs of our lives he's been jerking off secret and lying to me whenever unasked about it. I am a very sexual woman who would have sex 7 days a week if my husband was up to it, but of course he's not. I can't help but wonder how many times he's turned me down because he already pleasure himself! In 30 yrs I never once said no to him when it came to any kind of sex. I'm open for anything, I do it all... And the most hurtful part is that he knows it's a turn on for me to watch him masturbate! I wont even have to participate if he doesn't want me to, I can take care of myself while he takes care of himself. I even get turned on watching porn together, which is something we don't do often because I think he's shy or embarrassed to tell me exactly what about it turns him on. I'm a very jealous person so it would be beneficial to both of us if he would just be honest with me instead of leaving things to my imagination. Not knowing makes me angry and I think a woman sitting on a bed can turn him on before any aex even happens on screen. It's the betrayal, it's the lies and it's the feeling of inadequacy and feeling he's not attracted to me that hurts the most. Please help me find a way to not be so consumed by this and secretly hating my husband, although he doesn't know it. Whenever I ask him questions about it he just gives me answers that he thinks I want to hear, not the 100% truth and that hurts too. It makes my own mind fill in the blanks and my imagination of how it went down for him is probably worse than the reality. Our marriage was so great,we were strong partners, he was my rock of Gibraltar,my love, my life and our friends and family admire how loving and strong our relationship still is even after 23 yrs of marriage. I still look forward to him coming home from work, sitting next to me while we watch tv, I admire his mind, he's smart and funny. But I'm losing some of that now. I feel like I may be allowing this to destroy me and our lives together. How could he deceive me for so long and why? Does anyone have any advice that can offer me. I would appreciate anything, I need help. :(

July 7, 2015 - 11:21pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
Most people masturbate despite the status of their sex lives or marital status and most like to do it alone - for privacy reasons and also sometimes to allow them to drift off into a fantasy world. This is natural. We can't nor should control the actions and thoughts of others.

You said you husband "was my rock of Gibraltar,my love, my life..." - he still is. Masturbation isn't going to change that!

He probably lied to you because he knew you would react like this. You're making him feel like a convict. You will allow this to destroy your marriage if you obsess over it. Masturbation is a part of the human experience. You're making a huge deal and really invading someone's privacy. He is your husband, not your property. He loves you and has been a great husband. Appreciate this and drop the topic.


July 8, 2015 - 4:48am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Susan, another important thing I should mention- when I was 11 years old I was molested by my father. I grew up with insecurity, mistrust of men and needing the love of an honest, loving, decent man. My husband is a decent man who is not complimentary, openly loving or reassuring. He says I should know how much he loves me because we are still together and he thinks of me sometimes when he buys me presents that he knows I'll like. He was different when I fell in love with him initially. He claimed many years ago that his job is hard on him and it changed him and made hm stressed out, feel like crap and frustrated him too much. That was a long time ago and he has switched companies a couple of times since then. He never changed back to "himself" ever again. Also the subject of masturbation has come up occasionally through the years and he always assured me that he was not doing it without me. He also had a lap dance at a friend's bachelor party, which he also lied about, he also went to strip clubs for other bachelor parties which he also lied about. It seems as if every time he has lied to me, it was regarding some form of sex which is a very soft spot for me and he knows it. I need a man who will not lie to me. That is where the intense feeling of betrayal and hurt come from. I'm trying to get over his masturbating and lying and being deciteful about it but I think of it randomly throughout the day when I'm alone and at night when we are together. I don't say anything to him about it most times but I'm silently feeling very alone. I've even had thoughts of divorce. I have a disability and I cannot work do if I ever left him I'd be screwed! I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own. I would hate to see this end in divorce after 23 years of marriage but a successful marriage is based on trust among other things and at the moment I don't trust him.

July 21, 2015 - 9:18am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon
You didn't mention any of this before, I can only help by reading the information you're giving me.

I'm so sorry to read that your father molested you. He should be rotting in prison for that. I'm pretty easy going but husband's paying for lap dances is a no-no for me; I think it's a slap in the face to their wives.

Anon, you should enter therapy. I'm not a therapist - you need someone who specializes in these sort of things, you have a lot of stuff to sort out in your brain.

Don't let the monsters in your past rear their ugly heads anymore. You're going to ruin your life if you wallow in this. I understand how awful your past was but it's your past and it's ruining your present and future. I really think therapy is important for you. Don't think about all the reasons you can't do this, one reason is enough: that you get your life back and stop this hyper focus on your husband's sexual matters.
Please consider this.

July 23, 2015 - 5:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Hi Susan. I really appreciate you getting back to me. Thank you for your caring, concern and suggestions . I agree that I need to be in therapy and I have an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday. My husband only paid for a lap dance once at a friend's bachelor party and that was 13 years ago. He said all the guys were doing it so he just got one too. He didn't tell me about it until two or three years later though. I think he must have had a momentary guilt feeling going on then. It's been around ten or eleven years that ive known about it. I was very angry, surprised and hurt but I slowly got over it and luckily all of our friends are married so no more bachelor parties happening anymore now. It seems like every once in a while he "shocks" me with some sort of sexual admission I believe out of guilt maybe. What do you think? How do you think I should handle this latest admission about the masturbation? I know I can't control him and it's wrong to try to, but I think since we set the rule of no masturbation alone for either one of us any many years ago, it was more devastating that he's Been lying about it for 23 years!. We never should have made that promise to each other, that would be so hard to keep, in the first place, but we were not married yet and very young at the time. I know I may be overreacting about it but I feel deceived and lied to. That's the part that hurts the most, not the actual act. I feel very angry with him but I'm not letting him know how hurt I feel anymore. I used to question him and cry and make him feel terrible about it almost everyday for a month. Now I just keep my feelings in and act normal around him. I feel so horrible and angry and I sometimes feel like I can't live like this. I don't think I could afford to live alone because I receive very little money from SSDI every month and I don't want to live alone. Should I get a divorce over this? That's not a really good reason to get a divorce. Should I forgive him (although it's going to take some time) and try to maintain our lives together? Your thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated. Thank you

July 23, 2015 - 9:37pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
I can't tell you how to deal with this latest issue over masturbation. I think the agreement to never do it alone was bizarre anyway. We 're the same age Anon but we're coming from two very different perspectives.

I would never assume to tell you to divorce or not but I'm not really seeing a need for that - what you need is therapy. I can't cleanse your mind of all it's negative thoughts and negative mental chatter but I think therapy can help this way.

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. It is a gift you give yourself, not them.

July 24, 2015 - 5:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Susan, thank you so much for answering my post and for your advice. I appreciate your perspective on my problem. I know it's wrong to try to "control" my husbands masturbation habits but it's hard not to feel betrayed by his 30 years of deceit. I realize he may have not wanted to tell me for fear of my reaction and hurting me, but I wish he would have told me sooner. I was going to be hurt/ jealous either way but it would have been better if he told me after 10, 15, or 20 years. This way it would be over by now, the issue would hopefully have been resolved and I would feel less devastated because he wouldn't have been lying for so many years. He knows I have low self esteem when it comes to my looks and the fact that he's keeping his masturbation a lying secret, makes me feel even more undesirable. He claims he wasn't watching porn, sometimes it was an innocent movie on cable with a sex scene he wasn't expecting, but the catalyst doesn't matter to me. I read somewhere that I should feel grateful that my husband opened up and told me the truth about his masturbation because it is a miIestone in our relationship and he feels comfortable telling me his secrets. Do you agree with that statement? I feel bad that I "tortured" him and barraded him with questions about the subject and I really hope I haven't caused irreparable damage to my marriage. It was just a shock for me and I was angry and hurt. As time passes by I Am slowly getting used to it. I'm always in the mood for sex and I approach him for it often but I get rejected a lot. He does physical work all day on his job so I always understood when he was too tired or exhausted to have sex with me, but now I question if that was really the truth. We used to do it three times a week when we were younger then two times a week in our early 40's now we are in our mid 40's and we're down to less than once a week and that's not acceptable to me, especially if his masturbation is taking away from our sex life together. Although I can't be sure that it is, I can't help but wonder about it and that makes me angry. My husband is a good man. He loves his family and works hard to provide for me and my son. I just think I have lost a little something for him. I don't admire him as much as I used to. I hope I can get over this and change my way of thinking about the whole situation soon. I want to get back to our loving lives together and let go of the anger and hurt. I need to keep things in perspective and be grateful that we are both still in love and we enjoy our lives together. I have multiple sclerosis so when I have good days I like to take advantage of them by spending time with my husband and having fun together instead of being angry. I just need time and some reassurance from my husband that he prefers me to masturbation as he claims. Thank you for listening to my problem.

July 20, 2015 - 11:51pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon

It is good that he told you about his masturbation but here's the thing : everyone does it. They just do. Maybe you don't but that's less common than common. Nearly all men do it. So I don't think your husband is remotely abnormal - I think your reaction to it all is a bit strange. But that's just my take on it.

I couldn't care less if a man masturbates, it's meaningless to me because it's like breathing: totally natural.
I'm 45 too - but your approach to masturbation is very Victorian to me. So while I do understand that you have a very different approach to this topic, I still think it's you (and not the fact that he bops the old banana on occasion!) that is causing the issue in the marriage.

But then again - who am I to tell someone what to think about any given topic? This is your life and your mind and you can think as you please. But remind yourself that you're your own worst enemy here.

I don't know your husband so I can't say much about him but you have stated how wonderful he is many times. Stop focusing on masturbation and love him for who he is. Masturbation is a private matter between a person and themselves. I don't believe it's anything to have to "admit" to as "admit" carries a negative connotation.

Tell him you'd like more physicality to your relationship. Don't count times you have sex or how many times per week you want. Just tell him you love him and want to feel physically closer.

The whole situation is in your hands to make or break. You'll both be ok, I really think that.


July 21, 2015 - 5:19am
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