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Why does my LDR boyfriend refuse to be sexual with me?

By Anonymous November 23, 2014 - 12:06pm
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I met my long distance boyfriend online close to five years ago. We've been together now for 3 years and believe it or not, this is my first real relationship. I've always looked at relationships as finding your forever mate, not just finding something to hold you over. So when I fall in love (which is rare), I fall in love for real and I always try to imagine the man I'm with as someone who could father my children. So being this "uptight" about getting a boyfriend, I never really dated in HS or college because I was just too picky. I would have never dreamed of falling in love online. I wasn't looking for it, it just happened over years of spending so much time together everyday online. Fast forward to now, he's everything I'd want in a husband/father, but at times he makes me feel really neglected. There are times when he ignores me in ways that makes me feel so lonely and so romantically deprived. First of all (in case you haven't guessed already) I'm a virgin. I'm saving myself for when we at least live together. I'm not necessarily waiting for marriage, I just want to know I'm giving my virginity to the right one. Despite being a virgin, however, I'm not a saint. I am actually very sexual and I would love to do things with my boyfriend even though we're long distance. I would love to share dirty pics or have a dirty conversation, I would even love to be romantic with him over Skype. Anything. Dear God, I would love ANYTHING. But every single time I bring it up, he shoots me down. It's always he's too tired, or he has to work early the next morning, and he always makes me feel bad about it. He always blames it on me. He always says "Really? You want to do that right now?! I'm sleeping" (if I call him too late), or he will say "Well we would be more sexual if you didn't want to fight all of the time, we're always fighting and we never have to chance to do those things." Which isn't true, by the way. He hasn't been sexual with me in over a year, and before that it was probably another year. All throughout this relationship he's never really been "hot" for me, in the beginning I just thought he was nervous about it but now I'm just starting to feel like I'm being bullied. I know, I know, my first thought was, well maybe he's being pleasured by someone else. I'm so damn far away, I guess I'd never know, right? But the thing is, we're online with each other literally all night every single night. He's never ever missed a night without being online with me in the past 4 years. Not only that, but he calls me all day during his breaks at work and on his days off we're always together online, playing video games or chatting. I can call whenever, and he's never not answered. I'm positive that there's nobody else because we have an extremely open line of communication and in general I think he's a pretty honest person, so what's the deal? It's gotten so bad that I cry about it all of the time. I feel like a sick person, he makes me feel like I'm perverted. Like if I'm asking something crazy from him. Now whenever I bring it up he gets angry and says sarcastic things like "Well maybe you should just go have sex with someone else then if you're that excited". And from there we start to argue and it escalates and eventually we just get so tired of arguing that we sweep it under the rug and it's another few months of not bringing it up. I just don't get it. I know we're far away but there are still things he can do or say to me to make me feel like a woman, if you know what I'm saying. But he acts like it's this crazy thing and I'm this crazy person. What kind of man acts like that? It's just starting to make me feel like crap, like if he doesn't care about my needs. I need to feel close to him, I need to share that romance with him. Why is he putting himself before me? For the last few months I've found myself starting to miss my ex boyfriends. How messed up is that? All I can do is sit around and think about how much they cared about pleasuring me, and how this man I'm with now, who I love more than anyone I've ever loved, doesn't care anything about that. I just don't know what to do. I can't even have "me time" anymore because I usually fantasize about him, but recently every time I try to think about us making love it just makes me sad. I'm depressed and it almost makes me feel worthless. Why doesn't my man want me?

FYI - we're currently waiting for his visa. He lives in Mexico so it's been a long, tedious process to get him here but we're finally going to be together in March of next year (that is, if we last that long).

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Hi Anonymous and thanks for sharing your story with the EmpowHER community.

It sounds like it would be helpful for you to meet face to face with a real live counselor who can help you sort out your conflicting feelings.

You state that this virtual stranger is "everything I'd want in a husband/father" while you also state that you "feel like I'm being bullied" and "he makes me feel like I'm perverted" and his behaviors are "starting to make me feel like crap" and you state you are "depressed" and " it almost makes me feel worthless."

It sounds like you are basing your own self-worth on the actions, or lack of actions, on the part of someone you have never met and only know online. To have a healthy relationship with anyone, including this person, you need to work on your view of yourself and on building your own self-esteem first.

That's difficult to do online, which is why I suggest you find a qualified, licensed professional therapist or counselor who can help you get your life on track so that you can better understand what is best for you and not base your life decisions on what sounds like trying to please a fantasized version of a person you have never actually met.

When you have your own head straight it will be a lot easier to be forthright, ask for what you want, and decide if you want to continue to pursue this relationship or if you want to take another direction with your life.

Hope that helps,


November 23, 2014 - 1:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Pam Ellen)

Hey Pam, thank you very much for your reply, although I'm not sure if you quite understand my situation, but that's understandable considering that I didn't say much else besides talk about the main problem in my long distance relationship. I do agree with you, though, about not being able to fully resolve anything whilst continuing a strictly online relationship. That's 100% true, and that's why we've been going through hell trying to get his visa so that he can come here, which I actually talked about briefly at the bottom of my original post, he will be here in March. He's a Mexican citizen and I'm American, so it's not like he can just come over whenever we want so that we can talk about things, and I'm not going to pay thousands of dollars in therapy just because of that. I think it was insensitive and just unrealistic of you to suggest that. I would have elaborated about my relationship further but my post was already way longer than I wanted it to be. I just wanted some advice on what's going on sexually with my boyfriend right now, I wasn't looking for a self evaluation. I don't need therapy. Although, yes, of course the way my boyfriend is effects me, that doesn't mean I'm mentally unstable or need professional help. I'm just trying to figure out if anyone one else has gone through this, or if anyone else has had this problem with another man in an LDR.

November 23, 2014 - 1:55pm
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