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Why doesn't he seem to want to have sex with me anymore?

By September 22, 2010 - 11:09am
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Our relationship was very hit the ground running, we were friends for a year and then started dating and we were extremely serious within a few weeks. The 'L word" was dropped after 2 weeks. We spent a lot of our free time together and rarely spent the nights apart. We both knew that this was 'it'. I also lost my virginity to him. Of course, every relationship has its hard times, I did end up getting pregnant after a year, and now we have a gorgeous one year old. My boyfriend did a lot of growing up, ( we are both 23) and is am amazing dad, and has done everything he has to provide for our family as well as develop relationships with my family. I have no complaints in that area.

On the surface, people would think we have got it all.
Over the past year, I have confronted him about this at least twice before. My last few months of pregnancy I was on bed-rest with a strict no sex rule, and after that, it just never picked up. I gained a bit of weight (which I have lost...) and so did he, however, he never lost it . When talk to him he says he is self conscious and just doesn't think about it, says he might have a testosterone deficiency. He says why is it up to him to initiate? Why can't I, and I said it was because I was afraid of getting shut down. So I started to initiate more. And things got better. For a few months. But here we are again! I don't know what his excuse is now. Last month, he turned me down twice. And now , it has been a month since we last had sex. And last month, I came back from my parents and found a 'dirty' sock beside our bed. I made a joke about it and he said that hes not gonna lie that he does it. So why does he masturbate when I am totally available to have sex with! And its not like I am not open to new ideas!! And I notice when we DO, it is all about him... if you catch my drift. He used to text me and tell me how much he loved me and we would cuddle all the time... he would come up behind me in the kitchen and hug me, and when we kissed goodbye it was more of a kiss than a requirement. We do have fun together still, we get along great, enjoy spending time together, and rarely fight (we bicker sometimes, but harmlessly), and we do cuddle every night on the couch. But its just not the same as it used to be. :(
I am just at my wits end. I love him, and I love what a good father he is, but I don't know what to do. We plan on getting married sometime in the near future, but to be honest, I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life like this! I am hurting so bad, and I want it to go back to the way it used to be! At least a little bit.

Add a Comment5 Comments

Glad it helped...hope you and your partner do well with your "conscious effort." The work you put in no doubt will reap reward, and a happier household all around.
Good luck, and we look forward to your update! :)

September 23, 2010 - 12:19pm

I came back to post this, because when I came across it, I thought of you. Even though you and your partner aren't married, you are in a post-baby sex drought. Hope it helps!
Let us know what you think~

September 22, 2010 - 1:01pm
(reply to Christine Jeffries)

Thanks Christine,
That article basically hit it on the head. That describes us pretty much perfectly. Between having a toddler, and money stresses and normal life stress on top of that... I guess we just have to put more of a conscious effort into it.
I read a few similar articles and everyones response was cheating or he isnt into you anymore. I was just praying that it wasn't the case with us!

September 23, 2010 - 12:04pm

Hi Delirious,
I agree with Susan. While we are not doctors, or therapists (at least I'm not), it does sound like a normal new parent adjustment thing that may be going on. This may be compounded by the fact that you both are in your early 20s. As you know, being a parent and having that responsibility is super stressful, and tiring. I understand how that "sock" may infuriate you, but try and cut him some slack. Instead focus on trying to be more loving, and giving in the relationship. I'm hoping things will work out if you can get back to being how you were before, but understand that now you guys are parents, it may never be as ideal as it was before. Does anyone have that kind of energy?
The best thing you can do for your baby is to be strong and try to make the relationship work. It will take some doing by both of you--relationships must be nurtured to keep them vibrant. Relationships are hard work, even without a kid thrown in the mix. And as you know, it (generally speaking) falls to the woman to initiate that nurturing. I'm sure you both love your son very much, and no matter what will be there for him.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

September 22, 2010 - 11:59am
HERWriter Guide

Hi delirious

Thanks for your message and welcome! I'm sorry you are having a rough time in your relationship right now.

As you have probably seen by the hundreds of other questions we get like this, yours is a very common problem.

Firstly, please do not get married until this is sorted. Marriage will not make this better - it may actually make it worse. You have a baby and you live together so leave well enough alone for now.

Your boyfriend should probably see a doctor as he may have a health problem.

If he is masturbating but not having sex then you both may need to re-evaluate your relationship and have an honest talk. This has all happened to you both at such a young age that he may feel overwhelmed. Generally, men are less mature than women until they reach their late 20s and having a baby at 22 may not have been at all in his plans. I'm sure it wasn't for you either but you seem like you are handling this in a better way.

All we can tell you is to talk to him seriously about what's going on and don't head down that aisle until you are both stronger in this relationship.

There is hope that every relationship can work and this may be a young person/new parent issue that couples therapy might really help you with.

For more information, please read our main thread on this issue, where you'll connect with hundreds of women going through the same thing : http://www.empowher.com/community/ask/why-doesnt-my-boyfriend-want-have-sex-me-anymore?page=7

Tell me what you think.


September 22, 2010 - 11:28am
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