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why doesn't my BF want to sleep with me?

By July 22, 2010 - 3:25pm
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My partner and i have been together for five years, his libido has always been lower then mine, at the start of our relationship we would sleep together once a week (and he was 23 then and supposedly in his prime) now i am lucky if it is once a month and that is only if i initiate it. Actually i have always had to initiated it, this has been a problem in our relationship right from the start but he is amazing at talking to me openly and honestly (now he is anyways) we have had so many talks and arguments about this and he cant tell me what's happened. Usually I make an explicit move which indicates what i want to do and he either goes with it or more often then not he gives me (what sound to me like) excuses such as, 'my backs sore i need to get out of bed and stretch', or just 'im getting up now'. Over the last three years i have put on a fair bit of weight but in the last 6months i have lost 10kg and am actually smaller now then i was when we first got together, when i look in the mirror most days i feel good, i think i am reasonably attractive and i know without a doubt that he prefers me smaller rather then the big size i have been previously.

During our talks i have explained many many times how it makes me feel when i gather up the courage i now need to come on to him (five years of rejection means i need a lot of courage) and he still turns me down. Just for your benefit it makes me feel, ugly, humiliated, angry, disgusting. the list goes on. all he can tell me is that he doesn't know why, he actually cant tell me anything. the last time we had an argument over this he broke down in tears and wanted to hold me and told me how much he loves me and all that good stuff but when i asked me to describe the things he loves most about me specific to having sex with me he couldnt come up with anything, he did try but it wasnt about sex, he said stuff like 'i love you because your kind and sweet' etc.
I dont think he is cheating on me (this has definitely crossed my mind and i have asked him too but he is really not that kind of person) and i am not going to leave him, we have way too much good stuff together to do that. I really do love him, the thought of not having him in my life hurts me more then what he is doing to me (or not doing).
We sort of fixed it a bit over the last two years, still me initiating it but i was getting more yeses then noes and i thought we had worked out a system that worked for us as every couple is different but this year it has gone down hill again. I am so so confused, he says he loves me but why wouldnt you want to show your love in a physical way? he has even said that it is his fault and that there is something wrong with him and its not me at all. I have suggested that he sees a councillor the if he cant figure it out but he has said this is not an option. I done feel like i can talk to anyone about this as i dont want people who know both of us to think there is such a major and abnormal problem with our relationship. this is the first time i have 'voiced' any of this
Over the five years we have been together i have tried everything, i mean everything to either sort it out or get to the cause of the problem. someone please give me either advice that is going to help or let me know that i am not alone, that maybe someone else has a similar problem.

Add a Comment6 Comments

I notice from the other similar stories that none of us want to leave these men. He has so many awesome qualities, is it just love? is love enough? he is the first and only man i have ever been in love with, we have worked through many other issues in our relationship over the years it makes me think there's a way through this too.

July 25, 2010 - 3:56pm
(reply to Confused2010)

I have learned again and again that love really isn't enough to make it work. I hate that it's true, but in my experience, it most definitely is.

July 25, 2010 - 4:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

From my experience over the years, I know that relationships take work work work. Communication is key in any relationship and when two people really want something to work out, they will try everything to get those knots out of the relationship.

It is really hard when one person is producing more than the other. Another huge issue is when the one person feels inadequate because of the relationship woes. I wish you all the best, but everyone knows when it is time to give up and move on also. Best wishes.

July 25, 2010 - 8:41am

I wish I had advice for you. Instead I'm here to tell you you're not alone. I won't get into the details of my sexless marriage here but I will tell you I know how it feels to be rejected and left to feel inadequate and lonely. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's extremely damaging to a relationship, as you well know.

July 25, 2010 - 8:35am

I am very sure he is not cheating, like i say he is just not that kind of person. I really dont think he is gay, i have accused him of this before probably in our second year together and a few times since then but i dont really believe this plus i have caught him masturbating to girl on girl porn and all of his porn is girls.
I think the worse part at the moment is that i know if i mention it or show how angry i am (i think the anger stems from the other negative emotions and it comes out as anger because i dont initially feel angry) he is going to just feel awful for making me feel that way
and then pressured to do it so i feel like i cant show him anything negative relating to our sex life. I have to pretend im sweet as and everythings all good so if and when he wants to its because he wants to not because he feels he has to to keep me happy.

July 24, 2010 - 3:44pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear Confused2010

Thank you for contacting us, I know this topic is not an easy thing to talk about. You are very much NOT alone in this area; in fact, it's one of our most common relationship questions here on EmpowHer.

There are so many reasons as to why this is happening that it's hard to know where to even start. He may be cheating (but if he's not the type, or you have no evidence, then let's assume he is not) or he may be suffering from erectile dysfunction and unable or unwilling to tell you. Especially in younger men, this can be really hard to admit. He may also be suffering from some kind of emotional issue or even depression.

Is there any possibility that he may be gay?

If he will not see a doctor or a therapist, he is pretty much closing the door on getting better. You cannot force him to seek help but if he continues to refuse - you may have to accept that this is how your life together will be. It's up to you if you can live like this but it doesn't sound like you can - especially when the constant rejection makes you feel so rejected. This feel is very natural, by the way.

He may want you as a best friend but not a lover.

Again, these are only suppositions on my part, as we cannot get to the heart of the matter without his input. Another reason why therapy would really help.

Have you read our other stories on this topic? You will see that there are many, many women going through the same thing. Please have a look at this thread and tell me what you think.


Let me know what you think of my ideas too. I hope to hear more from you and hang in there; every problem has a solution.


July 24, 2010 - 7:31am
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