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Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?

By Anonymous June 10, 2009 - 10:32pm
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I am 19 and i'm a fairly sexual active person, I started my current boyfriend (aged 20) at the end of january. At first i thought he was just waiting for things to get more serious yet nothing has happened after 4+ months still nothing . When i say sex i am refering to intercourse, but he does not seem interested in any type of sexual contact at all, in the 4 months we had done oral twice, and that is the extend to our sexual aspect of the relationship. When i have tried to talk to him about this he simply brushes it off saying he takes things slow and the most recent answer is that he's scared, though he is not a virgin. I have tried to explain my needs in the relationship and he does not seem to care that sex is important to me and that its imporant part of a relationship. Is there a reason for this, or a way i could get him to open up to me, because my patience is running out. Is there any chance of things changing soon? Please help!

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You know, I'm going to have to say the only chance for things changing soon is for you to back off a bit. You can't push people -- male or female -- into sex and have it be fulfilling. The fact that your patience is running out says to me that the two of you just may not be compatible in this area.

There are lots of reasons he could be hesitant. He could believe that a person shouldn't have sex until they've found the person they want to spend your life with. Or he might believe that he should be at least committed in some way before he takes that step.

He may know that you've been fairly sexually active and may actually be intimidated by your experience and your desire for more than he's ready to do. It's very possible that he thinks you'll compare him to former boyfriends, and he's not ready for that.

He might be afraid of STDs. He might have told you he's not a virgin, but really is. Or he may be conflicted about his sexuality overall, and is trying to work out for himself why he is attracted to you but doesn't want to have sex.

I think it was AMAZING for him to be able to admit to you that he's scared. And what's your response? That you're losing your patience!!! Even if you don't say that directly to him, you know he has to sense it.

What else do you like about him? What attracted you to him in the first place? Is he kind? Funny? Is he attractive? Is he gentlemanly? What kind of things are you compatible in? Do you both like movies, or sports? Are you both active, or bookworms? What kinds of things do you like to do on dates, or in your spare time? Are you happy when the two of you are together doing those things, or does it all seem to not matter since he's not ready for sex?

My advice is that if you have a great guy, back off for a while and take the pressure down a notch. Give yourself at least two or three more months just to enjoy him and the relationship and, most of all, to respect his wishes. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, and you can't make it happen. Your pace and his pace are different here, and I think that in any relationship, the one with the "faster" pace has to respect the one with the "slower" pace. And if the tables were turned here -- if he were the one wanting sex right now and you were the one wanting to wait -- I'd tell him the same thing. Not until both people say yes.

June 11, 2009 - 9:17am
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