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Why doesnt my boyfriend want to have sex with me?

By November 24, 2009 - 1:03pm
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I have been with my boyfriend for 1 +1/2 years. When we first got together the sex wasnt great - in frequent and we just didnt quite click. We got on really well though so I put this to the back of my mind. We were only having sex every 2 weeks from the beginning however he complained he was fat so I put it down to that too.... feeling uncomfortable with himself. I have tried a few times to speak to him about this but he gets extremely angy and violent shouting at me that im only interested in sex and why do I always go on about it....I have stupidly bought a house with him and also loaned him a large amount of money so please dont advise i leave him. He doesnt go out and works days - he is defo at work.... I honestly dont think he is cheating on me due to time not naivity. Please can anyone suggest what the problem may be.... Im atractive - size 10 long hair so dont see that as the issue.... does anyone any answers that may make me feel better about myself? Not feeling very desired at the moment or attractive....We now go between 4/6 weeks and i cant say i even want it any more i feel that bad..... just want some answers.... thanks

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I'm sorry you are going through this; let's see if we can help provide some guidance.

Of course, only you know the ins-and-outs of your relationship, so we're really just providing our professional opinion at this point. There have been many, many women who have asked us similar questions---but the underlying situation and circumstances are always slightly different.

What is the same in most of these situations is the underlying relationship, regardless of frequency of sexual or other physical intimacy, is the communication between you two. If you told me you were having GREAT sex, every night...but that when you bring up a controversial or difficult subject with your boyfriend (sex, money, time together, time alone, bills, family, friends...you name it) and he reacts in the way you describe ("he gets extremely angry", "violent shouting at me", putting me down that I'm "only interested in sex"), then this is the primary concern and problem.

Dr. Klein describes it best in his answer to another question, (Married 18 years, and sex is non-existent. what should I do?): "I always figured that when people love each other that means that when somebody says, “Honey, this is really important to me that you pay attention to this. You don’t have to do it my way, but it’s really important that you take my pain seriously,” I would assume that that’s the most important definition of love. But I see so many people that that’s not part of the definition for them, and your example is a good example of that. So, I don’t know what it means that you love each other."

In other words, it is not the topic that matters the most, but that your boyfriend is unable to take your pain seriously and discuss it. Dr. Klein provides a script that you can alter to your situation, to begin the conversation (click on orange hyperlink in previous paragraph). If you are not able to talk with him about intimacy, if he is unable to express to you his body dissatisfaction or other stressors, or that he is not in love any longer, or any other million other reasons, then counseling may be the best solution.

Additionally, please don't put yourself down for making poor decisions; you made the decision to buy a house together and to loan him money. That is fine, and may have been a great decision at the time. Now, however, it may be different. You and him may be financially bound together right now, but that does not mean you need to be bound to him in every other way (emotionally, physically, etc.).

You have the free will, the intelligence and the emotional-stability to choose your own direction and create a life that is best for you. If you do not, it is time to seek counseling for yourself. If your future life includes your boyfriend, then you have the choice to take him "as is", with what you describe as an unhealthy relationship (at best), and a potentially threatening, isolating or abusive relationship (at worst) in the future. Your boyfriend could be a nice guy, just behaving poorly right now, and he can choose to go to couples counseling with you. Or, you can realize that he is refusing counseling, refusing to talk with you like a mature, respectful and loving partner, and decide to seek counseling yourself or talk with friends and family about creating another life for yourself. It is all your choice, and I wish you the best!

November 24, 2009 - 3:01pm
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