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why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?

By December 9, 2010 - 9:09am
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I'm so lost, lonely, frustrated and just...sad. I'm 31 and my boyfriend, of 3 yrs, is 33. We both work and I have 3 boys and he has 2 daughters. We all get along great. My boys love him & he loves them & vice versa with the girls and me. I'm so happy in that aspect because the important things are covered. However, when it comes to our relationship as a couple, it's a very lonely road. He works hard and he comes home exhausted. I take care of cooking and cleaning and shopping...etc. plus i have two jobs and i deal with the 5 kids about 98% of the time...which is fine. He helps sometimes. He goes straight to the couch and usually falls asleep by 7-730. Most of the time he'll sleep on the couch because i'm tired of waking him up to go to bed with me. He knows how deeply it upsets me and still does it. he will be up between 430-500 in the morning. He doesn't touch me or hold me or show me any attention or affection. we don't have sex. if we do it will be in the middle of the night and last for about 2 minutes then he will roll back over and go to sleep. i say it happens about once a month. there is no kissing involved at all or foreplay. just straight to the point. he will kiss me with a few tight pecks in the morning before he goes to work. for a long time i thought he wasn't attracted to me. so i started dieting and going to the gym and have lost about 30 lbs total. but i wasnt real heavy to begin with and i was 30 lbs heavier when we got together. he has made some comments that he didn't get with me when i was skinny. ive tried everything to get his attention. we've never taken a bath or shower together. he shows no interest. i'm so emberrassed to try and iniciate anything because i'm afraid of rejection. i feel so self concious of myself because of this. i've talked to him, cried to him, yelled at him, didn't talk to him, tried to make light of the situation and nothing helps. he says it's not me and hes just tired and has alot on his mind. i love him so much and im in love with him. i just don't know what to do anymore. i've tried to get advice everywhere and nothing helps. what is wrong with me? what can i do? he's very laid back and simple and doesn't like to do much. he's not very considerate or thoughtful towards me. its usually about him. he's doesn't compromise very well and is stubborn. i do all the compromsing usually. we watch on tv what he watches all the time and things like that. i'm always giving and hes always taking. where am i going wrong? please help me!!!

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This does sound emotionally draining, and I think your last sentences are the most important clues:
"he says it's not me and hes just tired and has alot on his mind."
"he's very laid back and simple and doesn't like to do much."
"he's doesn't compromise very well and is stubborn."
"i do all the compromsing usually."
"i'm always giving and hes always taking."

Your boyfriend has a lot of great qualities that you mentioned, but the qualities that you are having trouble with are listed above (quoted from your original post). Interestingly, you asked the question, "where am i going wrong?". Why would you think you are doing anything wrong, or somehow caused these undesirable qualities?

Every person has desirable and not-so-desirable qualities.

In a relationship, the trick is to:
a) find the not-so-desirable qualities of the other person somewhat manageable
b) have your own not-so-desirable qualities be seen as manageable by your partner
c) both individuals be open and flexible to striving to improve (or at least lessen) these undesirable qualities

If his undesirable qualities are not manageable to you, plus he is not willing to change or discuss your concerns, you two may not be as compatible as you are hoping. I know you both feel strongly for each other's children, and as you said that is HUGE, but perhaps there is someone else who feels strongly about your children AND can show you affection, compromise, energy, concern for your feelings, excitement, passion....

You describe this man as laid back, simple, uncompromising, tired, interested in TV and falling asleep on the couch. Another thought: is he depressed? What made you fall in love with him in the first place, and has he changed since that time?

My main red flag in a relationship: a person can have negative aspects, but if they are unwilling to be concerned about your feelings, it tells me that he may not be that interested or invested in the relationship as you are.

December 9, 2010 - 12:08pm
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