Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?
We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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IT'S NOT YOU, YOU ARE FINE. DRUGS WILL TAKE OVERRIDE A WOMAN ALL THE TIME. TRY GOING TO ALANON MEETINGS OR GETTING HIM INTO REHAB. HE HAS AN ADDICTION PROBLEM, LIVE WITH IT OR STAY BUT LEAVE
NO HE DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME. HE USE TO SAY I LOVE YOU. NOW HE SAY'S I DONT LOVE YOU. BUT.
Hi Miss Kitty,
Diane mentioned some great thoughts and questions. My first thought when I read your post: is your boyfriend satisfied with having sex once/month? He might be, and that is perfectly OK for him to be. I would give him the "space" to let you know what his ideal quantity is ("space" meaning- no guilt trips or anything; you really want to know what he wants). It may take a few open communication "sessions" to learn about what makes him happy in the sexual-aspect of the relationship. Does he like having sex less than once/month, or is his ideal once/week...or something in between?
If his "ideal" is more than what is currently happening, my next question would be: what's getting in the way?
(for example: is it different bedtimes, work schedules? Is he irritated by something? Is he scared to initiate? Does he want you to initiate?) There could be a million different scenarios, so I would just use this time to get to know him in the verbal sense; what does he think about sex and intimacy? I don't think you can really move on in the relationship, and ultimately reach your "ideals", until you know what he's thinking and wanting. Can you hold on for a few months, until you two can really open up and share your philosophies, fears, wishes, etc. about the intimacy?
The next thing to consider: quantity vs. quality. He may not care about "how often" (like the stereotypical man, but not all men want sex "all the time" like they do in the movies...really!!). He may care more about the quality...and how he defines that is something for you to both discuss.
My "red flag" would be if he is not intimate with you AND he won't talk with you about it. He needs to at least be able to tell you he's uncomfortable talking about sex, but that he will try. Give him time; it won't happen overnight (it's really difficult to talk about sex; most of us grew up being told it was bad to talk about it, so he may not have the skills or words).
I think after all of this, if the relationship is still going strong, he can trust you with his inner most fears about sex, as well as the pleasures of it, then you can begin talking about what your ideal sexual relationship is.
Good luck! Let us know how the conversations go, if you could... it would really help a lot of women who are going through this same exact thing! (I did!!)
oh--and I hope you do not continue thinking this is "about you"; this is clearly something he has changed in his behavior, and I hope he can acknowledge it, own it, and discuss it with you.
My last thought: there is always the possibility of him being attracted to another person, which is difficult to even acknowledge. Just wanted to state the obvious, and make sure it is not overlooked.
I think you're right on the money... I have been with my partner for almost two years and at first it was often and as soon as we moved in together it changed to about once a week. we've talked about it and he just prefers to have it about once a week or so. He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of his wanting to be intimate. i think thats a pretty normal reason not to want to have alot of sex.
about the attraction to others... i think that as human beings, no matter the gender, we are invariably going to be attracted to other people. if your partner likes someone else, dont take it personally. that doesnt mean he is less into you or that there is something wrong with you. i believe people do things for themselves. because they feel the need at the moment, and, just to be realistic... we cannot fulfill every desire our partner, or anyone for that matter, has. Now I'm not saying that you should tolerate cheating. If that's not something you are willing to deal with, by all means, DON'T! But if you are in a relationship where you are together because you want to and its a good relationship, maybe those types of situations can be worked through in a way that could be beneficial (in emotional growth) to both parties.
I hope you're right. My boyfriend is disinterested in sex, and he blames it on a backache or a headache...which he claims to have every day, all day. Might be stress (we're going to have a baby in March, and things aren't going well with his job), but I know what they say about if he's not getting it from me he's getting it somewhere else. I hope this isn't true. He snuggles with me every night, tells me he loves me a dozen times a day, and insists it's not me, but I just feel like something's not right here.