Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me? What can I do?

Beruska,

I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. Thanks for your question, and welcome!

There are lots of things wrong with this relationship, and it's clear that you can see them. I am not worried about your boyfriend. I'm worried about you.

First, and foremost, are you practicing safe sex, and using birth control? And by that, I mean two different things. Safe sex means always using a condom to help protect yourself from sexually transmitted disease. And using birth control means you're preventing an unwanted pregnancy. Your health is of primary importance to me here. If your boyfriend is sleeping with other people, you are not safe. Even if he says he always uses a condom, it doesn't matter. Clearly he's not always up front with you, and you cannot trust his word when it comes to this.

You have heard this before, I'm sure, and it's true: When you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone they have ever slept with. And everyone THEY have ever had sex with. Which means that if your boyfriend has slept with five people, and each of those people have slept with five other people, you are sleeping with the possibilities of transmission from all 25 people. It's dangerous and scary, even when your boyfriend is a nice person.

Can I ask you what you want from this relationship? Are you hoping that it's going to be long term and faithful? Because I can't see how that would happen. You are clearly a loving, smart and thoughtful woman who is troubled by these things. He is clearly living in a universe of his own.

You CAN help yourself, and you will feel good when you do it. You CAN overcome him. He has no power over you unless you give it to him. Are you hoping you will change him? You won't, doll. No one changes unless they want to change from within. They just don't. We just don't. We have to want to do it for ourselves before any real change happens.

I would love it -- love it -- if you could see a therapist about this relationship. Someone with an objective point of view who is on YOUR side. A therapist will ask you questions, listen to your honest answers, and guide you through your feelings. A therapist will use her or his knowledge of how human brains work to give you insight into yourself. I have seen a therapist before on occasions when I thought I was going crazy from one thing or another, and it always was the best decision I could have made. A therapist doesn't want to change you. A therapist wants to help you understand yourself.

Is this possible for you?