Why doesn't my husband want me?
I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.
He makes me feel utterly repulsive.
Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?
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DiW, what a heartbreaking situation. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. Let's see what we can find out for you.
May I ask a few more questions?
How long were you together before you got married? Did you have this problem before your marriage at all?
Has anything changed in your lives besides the fact that you got married? Work stress, job changes, family problems, medical issues, anything like that?
Are you trying to get pregnant? If so, are you both in agreement on wanting to try?
Please understand that this is not about you -- it's something going on within him. You are a normal, healthy 39-year-old woman, and sex is a natural desire. I completely understand why you might feel that you are repulsive to him, but that feeling won't help get you through this time. You need to realize that you are just as attractive, loving, loyal and good as you were in the past, and that for some reason, he's having a problem right now seeing or feeling that.
Give us a little more information and let us try to help.
We were together for almost 2 years before we got married. We lived together for about 1 1/2 years before we got married.
We're not trying to have a baby or anything like that. My tubes have been tied since I was 23. Neither of us want more kids. We've been going through this ordeal off and on for about a year. First he began to give me excuses for not wanting to touch me. He'd tell me things he didn't like about me. I've changed everything he didn't like to the point that I don't even feel like "me" anymore. It seemed to help the situation for a while. Then suddenly we were right back where we started from.
The only thing which has changed in our situation is the fact that we got married.
Dear DiW,
Oh dear. its depressing to hear your story because you're just starting out on this road. Ive been married for 13 years now, and it all started to go wrong for us in exactly the same way, as soon as I moved in with my husband. You will spend the next few years going through emotional hell. Coping with a partner who doesnt feel sexual towards you is a lot like dealing with a type of bereavement. You will find that over the next few years (if you decide to stick at it) you will go through numerous phases. You will blame yourself first. It'll be your weight, your clothes, your approach...basically, anything you can think of to blame yourself. Every now and then you'll try and pull yourself together and you'll go and buy sexy underwear or do whatever you can to try and jolt your husband back into a sexual relationship with you. No doubt he will find ways to blame you, deflecting the feelings of guilt he has himself, and this cycle will no doubt keep repeating itself until you are left with no control at all over your marriage, no self confidence, and no sex life. You'll find yourself accepting grateful hugs from family members and friends because it just feels so good to be touched by someone even if its in a platonic way. Eventually, you will realise that all the platitudes that get sent your way by well meaning others (who offer advice but frnakly have NO IDEA at all what living this hell is like) mean nothing at all. The crap about "its not your fault, its him not you, your are beautiful and normal...etc etc etc" do nothing to help your self esteem as it trickles down the plughole. PLEASE take my advise and do one of the following.
1) Get couples sex counciling NOW. As you've been married for such a short time, its possible that it can all be fixed and whatever the problem is (and its likely to be something completly unrelated to sex) can be sorted out and you may stand a chance of living a wonderful life together. My husband would not entertain the idea, which is why Ive ended up where I am. Be really strong. THreaten to leave is he doesnt go - you HAVE to give it a try. 2) Take the piss or get off the pot approach. Sit yourself down and be HONEST with yourself. Ask yourself the question "Can I live in a sexless marriage? Is my love for my husband greater than my need for sex?" If the answer is yes, then brace yourself. You have some very tough years of abstainance ahead. For your own sanity you will have to condition yourself to not want sex so that over time, it ceases to be an issue. If you cant live in a sexless marriage, its time to re-evaluate your life. Leave your marriage now before the years together make it harder to do. In my opinion, choosing a sexless marriage but having an affair to quench your sexual desire is not an option, but it may be for you. Think about it, and be honest with yourself and what you think you are capable of. 3) If you choose to stick with your husband and back off sexually (over the years you will realise that trying to initiate sex or even talk about the lack of it will cause arguments and you are far better off avoiding the whole subject) you need to have a plan to rebuild your life. If this is what you choose, you need to lay down a plan that will help you rebuild your self esteem and your SELF as a whole. THis is the hardest bit. If you are going without sex for the sake of the person you love (for whatever reason) realise that you deserve a treat. Get a gym membership (exercise is a great way to help squash your libido - you work out all the frustration that builds up) go get your hair done regularly. Dress well for YOURSELF ( remember you no longer have to please him or dress to turn him on. You can dress the way YOU want to.) Go to the theatre, learn to grow in ways that please you. Basically, its about learning to like yourself again once someone has made you feel two inches tall. Believe it or not, its the hardest part, even harder than living without passion, sex, eroticism and touch. You will get there in the end. You will never stop mourning what you have lost. You will never stop feeling like you will cry every time you see a couple in love who want to touch each other, and want to show each other physical affection BUT what you will have is a marriage that isnt ina state of constant fighting, upset and trauma, and you also stand a really good chance of having a unique relationship with your husband that is based on a weird kind of friendship and trust. Sometimes, the therapists banging on and on and on about "talking about it" isnt the way to go. Maybe your husband loves you for who you are. Maybe he isnt attracted to you that much sexually, maybe you dont make his knees go weak, and maybe he's bored of seeing you maked and just doesnt find it a turn on anymore. That sadly is the harsh reality of it, but is it really the end of the world? You are the only one that can decide that. If it is, get a divorce now and save yourself the heartache of the next ten years.
You know, I have no idea what to say except all of these things are the way I've been feeling. I have no self esteem left. I feel as you said,"About 2 inches tall" at times. I've tried to get him to go to therapy with me. He refuses. He says he tried that with his first wife and it didn't work. Whenever I try to talk with him about the issue we end up arguing. I have no idea what to do anymore.
Hi DiW,
I'm sorry you are going through this, and Diane gave you some great advice.
I have another perspective to add: Don't Believe Everything You Think. In a few short paragraphs, you have communicated in a way that is called in the psychology world, "Twisted Patterns of Thinking", and I think you are going to continue being hurt and sad if you don't change direction, first! (for example: "jumping to conclusions" would be "he has no desire for me"; "labeling" would be your feeling "repulsive"; a harmful/hurtful solution is "how do I make myself not have any sexual urges anymore?" "blaming" is also he is "making me feel repulsive"). These are all harmful ways of coping with problems, and there are more positive and helpful ways to problem-solve.
I'm speaking from experience on this; I had a rough time with my significant other for a few years because I was unable to really hear and listen to his feelings, because everything he said (some of which was difficult to hear) was turned around and I made it about me. If he said he was sad or tired or had different expectations, I had a pity party...which turned into an awful cycle of him shutting down, not communicating, then my pity party became bigger. We both resented each other, sex was not happening, etc. And, we were newlyweds.
So, if this does not sound like your situation...you can stop reading this now. If it does sound familiar, then let's talk more!
I don't believe you will ever reach a resolution until you change directions in your thinking and communication into a more positive and solution-oriented way, as I assume you are also communicating with your husband in this type of guilt-inducing way (just like I did a long time ago).
We can all acknowledge that there are extreme circumstances that could be going on, but in all likelihood, it is something NON-extreme, middle-of-the-road problem that is solvable. It is highly unlikely that your husband of one-month does not like you anymore. It is much more likely that your new husband is feeling scared, hurt, shy, fearful, sad...some emotions that he can not share with you, because he does not want to hurt your feelings, does not feel like he can trust you with the emotional-weight of it (without turning it into a pity party), or may not be good at communicating in general. Is this true, or am I way off base on this? Honestly, you sound so sad; he may really have a hard time sharing his sadness with you right now, and may just be backing away.
I wonder if you both had different expectations of what marriage and newlyweds were "supposed" to be like; you are over the honeymoon phase, into reality...and now what. Are you both feeling stuck? Can you talk about it, and take the topic of sex out of the equation for now? Are there other things going on in your marriage that is not working-out so well? If so, talk about those things first, and create more trust and intimacy through communication and connecting with each other. The sex will come back after that. If something truly awful is going on (let's just say the extremes: he's having an affair. he doesn't like you anymore. he feels like he made a mistake), then you need to talk about these things, anyways. Again, it is highly unlikely that these extremes are happening!! And, while we're at it: why are you feeling so insecure in the relationship? A month of little-or-no-sex and you're ready to give up your sexuality as a human being? You need to be honest with yourself and with him about your fears and expectations as well.
How was your communication as a couple before you were married? Do you have a good foundation to fall back on, as far as problem-solving tough issues? As your partner, I hope he feels he can trust and confide in you; but you also need to give him the space and environment to do that in, without blaming, judging, labeling, putting yourself down, etc.
Lastly, if he is having trouble communicating with you, is he open to couples counseling? There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling, even as newlyweds...there are so many unrealistic expectations on newlyweds (and so much time and attention and money focused on a one-day wedding instead of a lifetime of marriage), that it makes sense to have a third person walk-through some of the new issues with you, until you two have really established a good foundation for communication.