I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.
He makes me feel utterly repulsive.
Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?
"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."
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DiW, what a heartbreaking situation. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer. Let's see what we can find out for you.
May I ask a few more questions?
How long were you together before you got married? Did you have this problem before your marriage at all?
Has anything changed in your lives besides the fact that you got married? Work stress, job changes, family problems, medical issues, anything like that?
Are you trying to get pregnant? If so, are you both in agreement on wanting to try?
Please understand that this is not about you -- it's something going on within him. You are a normal, healthy 39-year-old woman, and sex is a natural desire. I completely understand why you might feel that you are repulsive to him, but that feeling won't help get you through this time. You need to realize that you are just as attractive, loving, loyal and good as you were in the past, and that for some reason, he's having a problem right now seeing or feeling that.
Give us a little more information and let us try to help.
March 24, 2009 - 8:16amThis Comment
We were together for almost 2 years before we got married. We lived together for about 1 1/2 years before we got married.
March 24, 2009 - 7:53pmWe're not trying to have a baby or anything like that. My tubes have been tied since I was 23. Neither of us want more kids. We've been going through this ordeal off and on for about a year. First he began to give me excuses for not wanting to touch me. He'd tell me things he didn't like about me. I've changed everything he didn't like to the point that I don't even feel like "me" anymore. It seemed to help the situation for a while. Then suddenly we were right back where we started from.
The only thing which has changed in our situation is the fact that we got married.
Dear DiW,
July 29, 2009 - 7:57amOh dear. its depressing to hear your story because you're just starting out on this road. Ive been married for 13 years now, and it all started to go wrong for us in exactly the same way, as soon as I moved in with my husband. You will spend the next few years going through emotional hell. Coping with a partner who doesnt feel sexual towards you is a lot like dealing with a type of bereavement. You will find that over the next few years (if you decide to stick at it) you will go through numerous phases. You will blame yourself first. It'll be your weight, your clothes, your approach...basically, anything you can think of to blame yourself. Every now and then you'll try and pull yourself together and you'll go and buy sexy underwear or do whatever you can to try and jolt your husband back into a sexual relationship with you. No doubt he will find ways to blame you, deflecting the feelings of guilt he has himself, and this cycle will no doubt keep repeating itself until you are left with no control at all over your marriage, no self confidence, and no sex life. You'll find yourself accepting grateful hugs from family members and friends because it just feels so good to be touched by someone even if its in a platonic way. Eventually, you will realise that all the platitudes that get sent your way by well meaning others (who offer advice but frnakly have NO IDEA at all what living this hell is like) mean nothing at all. The crap about "its not your fault, its him not you, your are beautiful and normal...etc etc etc" do nothing to help your self esteem as it trickles down the plughole. PLEASE take my advise and do one of the following.
1) Get couples sex counciling NOW. As you've been married for such a short time, its possible that it can all be fixed and whatever the problem is (and its likely to be something completly unrelated to sex) can be sorted out and you may stand a chance of living a wonderful life together. My husband would not entertain the idea, which is why Ive ended up where I am. Be really strong. THreaten to leave is he doesnt go - you HAVE to give it a try. 2) Take the piss or get off the pot approach. Sit yourself down and be HONEST with yourself. Ask yourself the question "Can I live in a sexless marriage? Is my love for my husband greater than my need for sex?" If the answer is yes, then brace yourself. You have some very tough years of abstainance ahead. For your own sanity you will have to condition yourself to not want sex so that over time, it ceases to be an issue. If you cant live in a sexless marriage, its time to re-evaluate your life. Leave your marriage now before the years together make it harder to do. In my opinion, choosing a sexless marriage but having an affair to quench your sexual desire is not an option, but it may be for you. Think about it, and be honest with yourself and what you think you are capable of. 3) If you choose to stick with your husband and back off sexually (over the years you will realise that trying to initiate sex or even talk about the lack of it will cause arguments and you are far better off avoiding the whole subject) you need to have a plan to rebuild your life. If this is what you choose, you need to lay down a plan that will help you rebuild your self esteem and your SELF as a whole. THis is the hardest bit. If you are going without sex for the sake of the person you love (for whatever reason) realise that you deserve a treat. Get a gym membership (exercise is a great way to help squash your libido - you work out all the frustration that builds up) go get your hair done regularly. Dress well for YOURSELF ( remember you no longer have to please him or dress to turn him on. You can dress the way YOU want to.) Go to the theatre, learn to grow in ways that please you. Basically, its about learning to like yourself again once someone has made you feel two inches tall. Believe it or not, its the hardest part, even harder than living without passion, sex, eroticism and touch. You will get there in the end. You will never stop mourning what you have lost. You will never stop feeling like you will cry every time you see a couple in love who want to touch each other, and want to show each other physical affection BUT what you will have is a marriage that isnt ina state of constant fighting, upset and trauma, and you also stand a really good chance of having a unique relationship with your husband that is based on a weird kind of friendship and trust. Sometimes, the therapists banging on and on and on about "talking about it" isnt the way to go. Maybe your husband loves you for who you are. Maybe he isnt attracted to you that much sexually, maybe you dont make his knees go weak, and maybe he's bored of seeing you maked and just doesnt find it a turn on anymore. That sadly is the harsh reality of it, but is it really the end of the world? You are the only one that can decide that. If it is, get a divorce now and save yourself the heartache of the next ten years.
You know, I have no idea what to say except all of these things are the way I've been feeling. I have no self esteem left. I feel as you said,"About 2 inches tall" at times. I've tried to get him to go to therapy with me. He refuses. He says he tried that with his first wife and it didn't work. Whenever I try to talk with him about the issue we end up arguing. I have no idea what to do anymore.
August 11, 2009 - 4:08pmDiW, I am very heartbroken to hear your story! I am now in a relationship with a similar man. The only difference is that he blames it on me being pregnant... which I know isn't true because our "sex life" was pritty much non-exsistant before hand. and we had only been together two months!! I have done some serious thinking in my life about this man and our "issues" they sound similar to yours. I am a beautiful women, which i am sure you are too, and there is no good reason why a man would reject us so often and so harshly... thats why I began to think it wasn't about the "sex", or about how I felt, or about how it made me feel when he rejected me, it was all about him. ITs just a small symptom of a HUGE issue, and not the only symptom. If your guy is anyhting like mine, the world revolves around him, not you, or you as a couple, but simply him. If your thinking this over, DO NOT think of things he's said that would prove this, rather think of things he's done. Like refusing you sex and not caring how it makes you feel. Forcing you to consider trying to repress your desire for intimacy when he's considering nothing, he's given you no choice. He also most likley withdraws from you emotionally alot, and doesn't take alot of time to make you feel special, beautiful, loved... he probably doesn't listen to what you have to say with interest, but rahter goes on about stuff HE would like to talk about, basically changing the topic on you, you probably not only feel physically rejected, but emotionally as well... its because its all true.
I am not one to scream "abuse", I am like most women and try to find every way possible to blame myself for the issue and try to fix myself in order to fix the issue, but when a man acts this way towards you it is a form of emotional abuse. A few of the tell tale signs of emotional abuse are:
With holding sex
Playing the "silent game"
shifting blame onto you
always bringing up past incidents to deflect the incident at hand
saying "you always" or "you never"
saying cruel or harsh things to you and then claiming he's "just kidding"
making all the major desicions
not allowing you to speak freely without fear of saying the wrong thing
"punishing" you by silent treatment, angry looks, leaving
Withholding affection
making you come to him
the list goes on... theres many different types, but if you are experiencing any of those things, even if its not all... I urge you to learn about emotioanl abuse, it will open your eyes and help you to see the big picture! A good place to go is a site called "dailystrentgh.com" if you read the blogs posted on emotional and physical abuse, you will began to get a broader knowledge of abuse and realize that hitting is not the only type of abuse, only one type... emotional abuse is far moer common and in some cases can be more damaging.... please look into it for your sake! You deserve to be loved and feel loved, you are not asking too much! You aer simply asking to be respected, shown affection, and to be treated with kindness and appreciation, those are normal and acceptable things to ask for, what is not normal is someone refusing you those things and treating you liek your crazy for asking... its a mind game. Hang in there!
April 22, 2010 - 3:03pmName: joes6252 New Member
I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
January 25, 2010 - 6:01pmI feel sad, un attractive, i get very sad and angry when i see others showing affection. i wish it was me. omg TV always has a way of showing someone expressing their love intimately. I am so torn, but angry for his lack of effort or conceren.(its like no big deal) I have cried, faught , i have talked my head off. help!
Joes6252,
Welcome to EmpowHER, and I am so sorry that you are feeling sad, unattractive and angry.
It sounds like you really have tried many different avenues, and since your husband does have some health issues, and this has been going on for so many years, have you tried couples counseling or individual counseling?
January 26, 2010 - 1:56pmI am 23 years old and i thought that getting pregnant made my husband turn away from me physically. I was jealous of my friends because they were pregnant too and I was the only one getting this sort of treatment. I felt fat, ugly you name it. Then on our one year wedding anniversary, 8 and 1/2 months pregnant, I found a long history of porn sites on his iphone. He was getting satisfied somewhere else. Voila, the bastard made me think it was all me and meanwhile couldn't man up and tell me that he had an addiction.
March 9, 2010 - 4:56pmHi, I am in the same boat, I have been married for almost seven years, just one 3 year old baby, that was conceive in one time deal. I am going for the third advice, because I do love him and I do know he loves me too. I have to said sexless marriage hurts, but you got to improve and reinvent your self and this advice is something that I had learned in the last three years, I had being doing all of these things and it is working for me, I feel better about my self. (sorry for any grammar mistakes, this is not my first language).
June 2, 2010 - 8:06pmI do not adequate love and sex together; however, I think that you are lying to yourself. Short of medical reasons, no man wants to be with a woman that he is not attracted to sexually. There is an issue with his hormones, heart, STRESS, alcohol, drugs, erectile dsyfunction, not sleeping enough...all of these things kill the libedo of a man...you have to be proactive, and if is not willing to see to your needs at all. Time to end the relationship. It sounds a bit to me like you like to tell youself this is working and yet you sound so miserable that I can't help but think that maybe he is miserable too. You need to get in and see a therapist, he needs to see a doctor...his life might actually depend upon it!
December 23, 2010 - 9:20am