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Why doesn't my husband want me?

By March 24, 2009 - 6:41am
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I am 39 years old and am a newlywed. My husband and I have only been married for a month and a half and he has already lost interest in me sexually. No matter what I do or don't do, I just can't turn him on. I once had a boyfriend who was impotent and he did at least make attempts at having sex. My husband doesn't even try. When we go to bed he goes right to sleep. A few nights ago while we were in bed, I was trying to arouse him and he simply moved my hand and turned over then went to sleep. I could understand if he had always been this way with me but he hasn't.

He makes me feel utterly repulsive.

Is there a medication I can have prescribed for me so that I don't have the urge for sex as well so that I have no problem with his lack of desire for me?

"I'm updating this Blog. If any of you women have had the same problem with your husband please get him to talk to you about what's going on. Maybe he has some health problem that he refuses to get checked out. My husband just passed on March 09. He had a massive heart attack. It was sudden. He had to go for training for the Tactical Squad for the prison where he worked on Sunday. I had no idea when I kissed him, hugged him good-bye and told him I loved him that would be the last time I would see him take a breath."

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EmpowHER Guest

My husband hasn't wanted me since I said I DO !!
That was 46 years ago, I thought I could fix every thing, but that was just foolish of me. We only had sex, intimacy once my first, last and only time. Before we were married it was taboo to have sex or any thing that rsembles sex. We did kiss and hold hands. He just hated sex with me or any one else for that matter. He just clammed up in his own little world, never had any friends once he got out of the military. His whole life was himself and work nothing more. He even lived alone in our basement, that way he would be away from me, I was not to talk to him and to just leave him alone.
My life was filled with disappointment , anger, depression and lonelyness. I just worried about me and really didn't care about him.

March 11, 2014 - 11:06am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post! Your marriage sounds terrible - are you still with your husband? 


March 11, 2014 - 11:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Yes I'm still with my husband, we just don't associate with each other. He does what ever it is he does and I do mine. After all these years it doesn't matter any more. To old to really care about anything any more. I do hate all men, no matter how good they are. I won't even attend a church that has a male pastor.

May 2, 2014 - 3:25pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry you feel this way. I think you married a jerk, regardless of gender. It feels like you're just doing time, until one of you dies and that's no way to live. There is so much good life out there, Anon!


May 5, 2014 - 11:21am
EmpowHER Guest

I have had to live with rejection, emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual all kinds of rejection, abuse, lies, his alcoholism, and cruelty of every sort from my husband of one year. I can't take it anymore and he blames my weight for no sex I was this weight when we got together. I'm not doing this anymore. Thus must be a cruel joke from God or a curse from the devil. I'm out as soon as I can get work and daycare.I deserve better and so do you.

February 13, 2014 - 2:31am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You're right - if this is the kind of relationship you are in, call it quits now before kids arrive or this becomes a way of life for you. 

Good luck!


March 5, 2014 - 12:25pm
EmpowHER Guest

I find myself here again just a few years later. Divorced. In a relationship. Still not getting any. I am tall, slim, fit, young and pretty. These things dont mean anything. This can happen to any of us. I am really bad at picking them though. I sit here wallowing in self pity, and i can't help but wonder if good, long lasting sexual relationships do exist. I'm not feeling very positive right now and sitting here crying in my pjs, listening to my boyfriends phone go off over and over as he texts god knows who is heart breaking. But you know what, I know from experience I don't have to put up with this. I, and every woman (and that one guy) on this website deserve to be happy. We deserve the love we crave, and if or partners aren't delivering it, than it is well within our right to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Life is too short to feel this way. <3

October 26, 2013 - 12:39am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry this is happening again but it's good that you acknowledge that you make bad choices. This will help you see the signs beforehand and not go ahead even if you really want the relationship.

You're right, crying while your boyfriend is texting other women is not something you have to put up with. Get him out or move out. You might want to stay out of relationships for a while so that you get emotionally stronger and so that you can have a clearer view of what you want out of life.



October 28, 2013 - 10:59am
EmpowHER Guest

I also have the same problem. My husband and I have been married for over a year, but we have been together almost six years. At first, when we dated the sex was great. Throughout the years, we were together most of the weekends when we were living in the same state. Eventually he moved and we communicated through phone and email. He deployed and I deployed overseas and we communicated through email for almost a year and a half. Two years ago he proposed in Las Vegas. Since we have not seen each other physically in soo long I would have thought we be making love in the week that we were together. Unfortunately, we only did it once. He proposed that week, which was the happiest day of my life. He said since he forgot to buy condoms that we couldn't have sex. I thought it was a lame excuse, but I didn't mind since I wanted to just spend time with him and explore Las Vegas. Then I moved in with him almost two years ago and married him over a year ago; and during the time I lived with him not once have we had sex. He was worried that I would get pregnant if the condom broke or that birth controll will not be effective. We had fooled around a couple of times when we have live together, but its was only two or three times of the two years and that's it. I try my best to turn him on, but it just seems that he is not interested. At first I thought he was worried that if we had sex I might end up getting pregnant because we are not ready for that step. Recently, I had birth control implanted in my arm. Still nothing. I know that sex is not the only part of the relationship that is important because there are also other factors that make up a relationship that is also important. Though, I feel that we are both young (I'm in my mid 20s and he is in his early 30s) and that we need to have some time to connect sexually before the kids come and we get older. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he gets the hint when I got the birth control implanted that we need more sex but he doesn't make a move or if I try to make a move he just brushes me off and moves on to do something else. Lately I have been pleasuring myself because I figured if he doesn't want to do it, then maybe I should be taking care of it myself. It's sad (for me) to think that I might need to get a vibrator in the near future just to have those times to have. He recently just said that he doesn't get horny too often and that some men have sex once a month or once every two months. I don't know about that, but we are not even having that at all. I guess I miss being intimate with him physically and feeling more love.

July 8, 2013 - 6:48am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon - thank you for sharing your story with us. I can feel a lot of pain in your words. Your relationship has never been sexual to begin with, it seems. He has no interest in it which makes me wonder why he got married. There is something very wrong in terms of your husband's a) sex drive/ability to function or b) his sexuality. There is nothing "wrong" with being gay but I am putting that out there as a possibility. Gay men marry women all the time and being gay in the military may be ok now, but it's still not really "OK". Could he be hiding his sexual orientation? Also, his excuses about not having condoms makes no sense, as well as worries that birth control won't work - I don't believe a word of it and I don't think you do either. It seems you have more of a rather unhappy friendship than a marriage. You are very young; don't get trapped in a marriage like this if he won't get help. Kids won't make anything better - they'll make everything worse and if this isn't fixed, you'll wake up one day and realize that you marriage was never really real. Sex matters in a marriage.  Another thing to consider is that he may have an erectile dysfunction or some other medical condition that makes it difficult to have sex. Maybe he is hiding this from you. Also, porn addiction in the past decade has been instrumental in ruining many sexual relationships. Could this be the case? 

July 8, 2013 - 1:00pm
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