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why is my boyfriend looking at gay porn? help me?!?

By October 12, 2010 - 10:31am
 
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Im 18 and my boyfriend is 20. He's one of those very quite guys but very smart, put it this way.... the way he discribes himself is "very hard to love, and very easy to hate". He's very good looking but doesnt date just anyone, he has very low self esteem after being fat most of his life, and having his heart broken by his first love who left him for another guy almost 3 years ago. He got completely over her and now hates her for all the shit she put him through so the girls he does date come few and far between,he holds very close to his heart and is very involved in the relationship, constantly trying to find ways to better it so it will last. He only likes relationships, hes not that one night stand kinda guy, nor am i that kinda girl. Him and i are great for eachother because we compliment eacothers weaknesses. Weve been dating for about 7 months now but have been "together" for about a year. Our sex life has never been the greatest but he sees nothing wrong with it. Recently, his dad bought him a laptop and i was doing a report on it. I wasnt snooping this time, but went back in his history in order to cite my sources for a paper... altough its crosses my mind why we only have sex liike once a week. Well it more then crosses my mind, it makes me angry. I started finding porn, which i know is normal for guys...like my ex boyfriend for example who i used to watch porn with, and we had a very good sex life. But with my current? it made me mad...like why?? i lay there in bed with you for hours and days at a time, and we dont have sex! I go home pissed on several occasions because i think its so important in a relationship...As i started snooping out of anger i found gay porn! this only made me more mad....at first i thought it may have just been pop ups but then i went into his email, and on his old AIM account...and found messages to and from guys about hosting...there were no conversations, but only messages he sent out that had no responses, or messages that were in the inbox that he didnt respond to.They were very breif, no more then 5 words. I will admit, i freaked out...i accused him of what i found and went off to say the least. I felt like i had been worse then cheated on. I know he is completely in love with me because he does nothing but show it in other ways. So i didnt understand. Hes very good to me, and only me...he doesnt have but two friends which he hardly sees. He tells me he wants to marry me and i believe it because ive had several of boyfriends who say that kinda stuff, and as a girl you are able to pick out the ones who are sincere from the ones who arent. After i confronted him about it....he did nothing but deny. For days...he cried after i told him i was gonna leave him if he didnt come up with an answer.After i discuassed it with my friends, and days of nothing but thinking about it, and knowing he was lying...i came to the conclusion that he wasnt gay. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until i found more. I rememberd in his history that he had visited "causual encounters" on craigslist so i logged into his account. There were two posts of him looking for a man or a woman to meet up for a late night of fun, and he gave his discrption...it was titled "discreet". I went AWALL!! He was at work and i retyped both posts and sent them in a text message titled "You lied, were over" He called me right away first denying it then confessing. We met where we work so we both have the same job. Hes been there two years and has a father son relationship with the boss. He walked out on the boss in the midst of a dinner rush and called me 15 more times hysterically crying...he quit his job, and said all he wanted was me and he could give a shit less about the place he worked anymore. He was humiliated to say the least. He tried to explain, and after a few hours i went by his house in tears because i wanted to get closure. He went into like a shell and told me he didnt know what got into him, he just did it for a thrill. He could barley talk he was crying so hard, and his whole family came out and vouched for him after he told them all what happend. They acted like it wasnt a big deal but to me it was...i felt betrayed, worse then cheated on, and very hurt. I know for a fact he never pursed any of these posts because he would never be able to live with himself. He cant go to sleep at night when were fighting and hes texting me at 3 in the morning apologizing., which leads me to believe that maybe all of this was in his head...but i did go in his garbage bin on the computer and found naked pics of him which he puts on his mothers life never left his posssesion. They werent that great and did no justice for him so i believe that. I thought back and observed him and his ways. Hes very well dressed, and a clean person, thats about all i could come up with that would give me a gay vibe. But at the same time he was always very myserious to me before we got together, hes not the type of guy that u will catch checking you out even if he thinks your pretty,but when i was observing him he certainly wasnt checking out guys..and never has as i thought back. If anything he hates guys being around at the thought that they will take me from him. Hes very hard to get to know...and it almost makes you want to understand him. He tells me im beautiful all the time and always takes care of me. Ohter then late at night, i practically live with him... im always with him! So it blows my mind how this even happend....it makes me feel like hes sneeky. He is one of the typical italians though.... the "im in charge" types and very manly...so for him this was nothing but humiliation. He had a pill problem over a year ago which caused him to be unable to pee and they did surgery on his prostate. He cant go to the bathroom and has to force it out, its very painful and embarassing for him...i feel bad...but that doesnt mean it doesnt work. Its good when we actually do it, but sometimes its like never. After screaming and yelling and threatening....i calmed myself down and talked it over. He says he "loves what i got goin on" and has no true answer for what he did or why he did it...he knows he hurt me and beats himself up everyday about it...After that our sex life was great for about a week..and now its been over a month and going back to the way it was, our sex life is just alright, and i dont want to talk to him cause its all thats on my mind when were together...its ruining us. The less we have sex the more i think, well what if my first instinct was correct...but nobody who ive told about this understands it. They all say it doesnt make sense to them, and are at a loss just like me...they would have never thought he would do something like that in a m,illion years. Now its all i think about, it consumes my mind and i turn it into something i know its not. He tells me i think so much into it but he doesnt blame me, but im turning it around and worsening the situation. He did tell me he feels like i put alot of pressure on him when it comes to sex and that he feels like he has to have sex with me so many times a week to please me....but hes a 20 year old guy? whats the problem? there should be fireworks in his eyes at the sound of willing sex...and now it makes me feel bad to even ask. What do i do? nothing adds up

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Hi :) I'm having a similar issue with my boyfriend just now. He sounds identical to your boyfriend, even down to him not looking at other his and guys etc, he takes pride in not checking other people out and is very quiet and private. Last week I checked his history (in January he was exchanging naked pics with his ex over email so I am pretty much filled with anxiety and paranoia already! His ex is female btw) and find lots of gay porn pages like yourself I thought it was a pop up untill I seen his search entries. Iusually he takes very good care to delete all his browsing history but he'd been UN the apartment all day and didn't expect me to check while he was there. We've been together 2 years on October and at t the start of the relationship our sex life was amazing. Now, like yourself, we only have sex once a week and I find myself always asking him why and he always comes up with excuses and makes me feel like I'm being needy. Whenever we have sex he makes it out as though it's just to please me for another week. when he offers be oral and I try to reciprocate he says he's not in the mood. So since finding this gay porn it seems all my worries are falling into place and making more sense. My issue is I don't know how to tell him I know he watches gay porn. I feel if left it too late to be unrational. We have bought our apartment together so it wouldn't be so easy tojust get up and leave. I'm so unhappy :(

July 28, 2015 - 1:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

He is a man you are a man get over it.

March 4, 2015 - 4:12pm

Hi c_tiana,
Thanks for your note, and for finding EmpowHER. What a crazy time this is, huh? I'm not a therapist, but I definitely can advocate for you on this. I completely understand that you found things you didn't want to (it would bother me too), and you may have a hard time trusting him going forward even in the most ideal situation, so maybe it would be best to take a step back from it. All you can do is remove the focus on him and his behavior and put it on yourself. Be glad you're dating, and not married. Trust me and my experience having gone though some messy relationships that ended badly. It's telling me that you need to ask yourself what you want in a relationship. Trust is a big thing. To be desired is another thing. Are you getting that in your current relationship? Handle it logically, and with poise as much as you can, like a business transaction. Is it good business for you to stay, or do you think you need to work on repairing your hurt and get yourself ready for what's next regardless of what that is.
You and your boyfriend may be good friends, and that's ok. You will need some boundaries--it may take some time to establish, and won't be easy. You may stumble, but keep at it. When you get there, you may see things clearer. It's up to you what you decide, but just make sure to be true to yourself. You're the only you that you've got. It may sound silly, but you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship, and not compromise on something like this if you don't want to. Be strong. If you need further support, we're here for you.
Here's a similar thread from a woman whose husband was found to be watching gay porn--it may help you in your situation:
http://www.empowher.com/community/share/my-husband-gay
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

October 12, 2010 - 11:57am
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