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ask: Why is my boyfriend so selfish?

By Anonymous
 
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Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. For the past 2.5, he's been sneaking porn in the house, hiding it in weird places, even though he has it on his (precious) phone also. No matter what I say or do, he masturbates daily, meanwhile ignoring my needs for weeks. When we have sex, I'm lucky if I get little more than just shoving it in. Meanwhile, he expects oral and all sorts of fun things. Needless to say, I can't get off. I understand all men look, especially if they happen to have it pocket sized and constantly on them. And he acts very sweet, brings me flowers, chocolates, invites me to the movies, etc. But after some snooping,(yes, I honestly feel like I have to at this point) I realize that he does this after, JUST after looking at all sorts of porn. Like immediately after the porn was movie times and sh*t on his history. He also does this really weird thing where he masturbates next to me in the morning while I'm sleeping. I've told him not to hesitate to wake me up, but it seems like he likes the 'thrill' of it? I'm beginning to think all men do this, and if that's the case, I'm switching teams. Is he being normal? And am I being "Crazy" for wanting sex, intimate, passionate, attentive sex with my partner? Am I "crazy" for being hurt? Feeling like he's choosing porn? Sometimes when I come home from work the bedroom door will be closed and locked. Guess what he's up to. Or, there's a mess in the sheets for me. And no sex later. I just don't understand.I haven't put on weight, I haven't stoped doing anything. I try to look good for him, hair make up etc. And like I've said, this has been going on for a long time. I've tried talking, tried sexing it up, (and there's not much I won't do in and out of bed anyway) tried bi*ching, tried ignoring it, I've exhausted every option. I just don't get it. You can't just STOP touching your wiener and looking at nudes, if only to please the girl who gives you everything? The person you say you love? If you have to sneak around to do it, don't f**king do it. Isn't it that simple?

He won't talk about it, and certainly won't stop or change it.
Any Ideas? I'm not going to stay with him forever for flowers and chocolates. I'd rather have sex. Help? I'm ready to leave him.

Add a Comment7 Comments

betty1988

hey anonymous, first off i think your a very strong person. I have so many friends that have issues with their men and simply wont do anything about it! I commend you for trying to talk to him and get your point across. But like others commented i also think he might be addicted to porn. I think you have already realized that. If he really wanted to make it work he would seek help, real help. And he shouldn't call you sneaky. Good for you for making the tough decision to leave. Your so right. See if any other woman will put up with his antics. If i have a problem with my partner i defiantly will not hesitate to tell him. Good luck on your new life!

August 23, 2011 - 4:09pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I do love him, but I was fine without him. Especially if he's making things worse. I really appreciate the advice. What would be a good way to get him to realize it's HIM that has the problem, HIM that's being selfish and sneaky, HIS deal? Because as of now, if I bring it up, I'm crazy. I'm sneaky. I'm selfish. I don't know how to do this, because I've tried before, either by complaining, trying to talk it out, (many times) ignoring it...to no avail.

Help?

PS Sorry, I'm not very computer savvy, I wasn't sure if the first one went through.

August 18, 2011 - 8:39am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon!

Again, to be honest, he knows exactly what he's doing. Since you have brought it up before, have tried to talk with him, have explained how you felt, he knows how you feel. You don't need to hit him over the head with it - he knows.

The result is that he's unwilling to change anything. And you are still with him so it's kind of working out pretty well for him! And it's all at your expense!

We at EmpowHER never tell anyone to make or break up a relationship unless there is danger involved. So you are the one who needs to make all the changes and choices here, not him. He has already made his choice and that's to not change.

Let me ask you something: if your friend brought her dog over to your house and he bit you, and then she brought the dog over ten more times and he bit you every single visit, when would you eventually tell her not to bring the dog over? Are you going to wait for the dog to not bite or are you going to actually do something about it yourself - ie; get rid of the dog? And then will you have wished you'd have done it at the first bite and not waited until you were really injured?

Anon - relationships can always be saved, when both parties want it to and are willing to work at it. But when one won't do anything, it all becomes pointless, like two people playing ball when one just stands there without moving.

So I encourage you to forget about getting him to realize he is the problem - he knows he is and doesn't care. And ask yourself what your deal is, in this relationship. Where do you fit in? And are you ok with this being the same way for life, knowing now that he simply won't change? Based on honest answers to these questions, you will quickly find your solutions. Because in the end, the issue is you and not him. He has made his choice and it's time to make yours.

You sound smart and savvy; I know you'll make the right decision in the end. And I wish you the best!
~Susan

August 18, 2011 - 9:49am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

OK. So I got off work Friday, went home to relax. He was still at work. I get on the laptop, and find some more porn. ON MY LAPTOP. MINE! So, I say "That's it, I'm done.".. Among other things. As I'm packing up my stuff and throwing it in my car, I look up at the shelves in the closet to make sure I got everything. I then notice the little attic hatch we have in the closet has dirty, greasy fingermarks all over it. (He's a mechanic.) I open it, feel around, and LO AND BEHOLD! The freakin' stash. So, needless to say, I feel very stupid and hurt. Not only on my laptop and his phone, but hidden around the room we share. I tore them to shreds, finished packing and left.
Told him later we're done, that he disgusts me, makes me sick, told him how much he hurts me..I laid into him. He started crying, saying I'm his world. Obviously I'm not. It's been a couple days, and we've talked about things since then. I told him he has to see and REALLY understand why I'm upset. Also that he has to earn back my trust. He says he will change, and he does understand. And I'm still not sure that will be enough. I love him, but I just don't know. What makes things more difficult is we live together, and I have no other place to go. I just don't know if I want him back or not. Ahhh.......

August 21, 2011 - 5:30pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon

Whatever you do, take your time and don't feel hurried or pressured by anyone to make a decision (I suspect your boyfriend will try or want to rush you into a decision) until you are really ready for it. And honestly, you were not "his world" at all, that sounds like some old rubbish he saw on a soap opera.

Think about everything you have gone through and everything you have said here. You never know - this relationship could really be saved! But just remember that his words aren't good enough, he has to change completely. Also, he is your boyfriend and you have no kids with him: you do not have to stay like someone may feel if they are married, she has no income and they have 4 kids together. Even if you have to sleep on someone's couch for a while, it doesn't matter. You'll always have somewhere else to stay and if not, he has way too much power over you!

If he really changes, this relationship could turn out to be wonderful! Just take things slowly and carefully; after all you have gone through, you are under no obligation to anyone but yourself!

Keep us posted and I wish you the best!
~Susan

August 22, 2011 - 12:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank You Again

I tried to talk to him last night, and he just wasn't really there. His body language was blocked off, he just said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. So I've decided F**k him, let him find a girl that will put up with it. Good Luck. I'm currently looking for a studio for my dog and I, and he can kick rocks. I'm far too young to have to deal with this, and I feel insulted he can't even TALK to me about it. SO SCREW HIM. I realize I really just want to be alone, live by myself, and do my own thing anyway. Thank You
A message to you women out there:
If you feel something's wrong, don't hesitate to talk to him about it. You could save a LOT of time and trouble!

August 22, 2011 - 4:40pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post! I noticed you have posted your question already and I answered it on the other thread. Please only post your question one time so we are not reposting things over and over and so that our other readers can helped in a timely manner. Thanks for your understanding about this!

Here is what I wrote to you:

I honestly think your boyfriend has a possible addiction to porn and it's ruining your relationship. He also sounds incredibly self-absorbed and selfish- which is the case with all addicts.

If he doesn't stop this, your relationship will never get better. Your relationship with him sounds horrible - no honest communication, locked doors, hidden porn and constant porn with no interest at all in you as a human being and woman. Why you have put up with this for so long, I don't know. As you said, flowers and chocolates are fine but they mean nothing if there is nothing beyond that. In fact, he might be giving you these to keep you quiet about the porn addiction (if a guy is downloading secret porn to even his cell phone, there's something seriously wrong with that) so that he can come back with "hey, I buy you chocolates and flowers so don't act like I don't pay attention to you..."

If he refuses to change, then you need to. He's selfish because he's only interested in his needs and wants, not yours. So ask yourself why are you staying with someone who doesn't care about your needs! And you need to decide if this is the kind of treatment you're willing to put up with. If you do love him (and I think you think you do) it all means nothing if he doesn't love you back. Nothing in his behavior shows he loves you or views you as an important and vital partner in live. Next time the chocolates and flowers arrive, I'd take a pass.

Please have a serious talk with him about this and then decide what YOU want to do with YOUR life ! If you are ready to leave him, then do.

I wish you the best,
~Susan

August 18, 2011 - 6:56am
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