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Why, Oh Why Are My Orgasms Boring?

By Anonymous February 3, 2009 - 10:09am
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We were each others' first sexual partner, though not only due to slip ups in college 1000 miles apart (Mistakes happen. Shouldn't, but do). My problem is that my orgasms are for all intents and purposes, twitches. Clitoral or vaginal, my orgasms have a great buildup, but when it comes to the main show, they fall short. They don't last long, and I can get up and run a mile afterward if I wanted to. No fireworks, shaking, or writhing with passion here.

I'm perfectly healthy, but this is very frustrating. Sex is a regular occurrence, and we've tried innumerable positions, toys and approaches, but to no avail. Am I destined for boring orgasms forever? I am not a frequent masturbater, but when the mood strikes, I can be in and out in one minute, cleaned up and out the door. What's a poor girl to do? I just want fireworks!!

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EmpowHER Guest

I am having a bit of the opposite problem, I only just started having orgasms with my husband of 5 years. They are strong but they just come in waves and I never seem to stop. I try to just keep going until I am fully satisfied but after 20 minutes its exhausting. I am a mother of 3 young children and I am pretty sure the sudden ability may be related to just having my tubes tied with my last child. I know it sounds absolutely crazy because my husband and I have been striving towards this, but I kind of wish I never would have gained this new ability. It seems that the only way that I can be satisfied is by his satisfaction, but, unfortunately, he does not have as big of an "appetite" as I do. So basically no matter how much I try to "take care of myself" it just leaves me worn out and wanting more.

October 22, 2016 - 8:51pm
EmpowHER Guest

Oh my God, I agree that this is the only site I've found that mentions what I'm feeling. I'm experiencing the exact same thing. The thing is, I can achieve "orgasm" in less than two minutes if I continually hit the back wall of my vagina. And then the orgasm is hardly anything. Not the amazing thing that others have said it to be. I've always heard that I'd know when I have one, but from what I've read, I have and yet I'm still wondering. :/

December 4, 2009 - 5:14pm

What both of you ladies are going through is perfectly normal. Not all women EVER achieve orgasms and very few see fireworks when they do. All the shaking and dramatization of an orgasm seen in pornography is not entirely real. A porn movie is meant to turn you on and let's face it-- the more these adult stars react to an orgasm or a certain "move" the more turned on the viewer gets.

The use of toys during sex or through masturbation can certainly help achieve an intense orgasm but the repeated use of a vibrator can and will make it impossible to achieve orgasm on your own.

Letting your inhibitions free and putting the thoughts of achieving orgasm aside is very hard when you're trying to achieve it. So I say-- forget about it. Give up the orgasm but have the time of your life. Have a glass or two of wine, seduce your boyfriend, roleplay...let him be the sleazy photographer and you the desperate model (You don't actually have to take pictures or you can delete them after) then tell me if the sex wasn't fantastic...with or without the shaking.

November 9, 2009 - 6:32am
EmpowHER Guest

I know exactly how you feel :-/
Allison, I don't know about the previous poster, but in the roughly 10 years that I've been having orgasms I've tried plenty of times to not rush (you'd think an hour would be enough buildup), I've orgasmed without "worries, frustrations and expectations" (not every time of course, but often enough to know that that's not the cause), I've had great sex with my boyfriend, my vibrator, and my fingers and felt "writhing with passion" BEFORE climaxing but my orgasms have never really felt all that great. In fact, the only reason I do orgasm is to bring my arousal down. All I feel is a few seconds of pulsing in my vagina and then my clitoris gets very sensitive. That's it. Nothing special, no fireworks, no heavenly bliss, no feeling of free-fall. And, this is the ONLY place on the internet I've been able to find with any mention of what I feel...or rather what I DON'T feel :-(

November 8, 2009 - 10:00pm

I'm sorry you are finding your orgasms frustrating! Sex is such a difficult topic to discuss, so I'm glad you found this site.

Well, the good news is: you are having orgasms. Take the worry out of something being wrong with you (if this is a fear of yours?). Having an orgasm for women begins with the mind, so clearing out any worries, frustrations and expectations you have may help.

I'm wondering if you and your boyfriend are being adequately patient for your orgasms to progress and build up? Sometimes, we may be in such a hurry to get to the "ultimate goal", that the build-up phase is rushed. Do you feel that your boyfriend may be wanting it to happen quicker, and you are trying to rush through the build-up to get to the end goal? Women take much longer to reach the climax phase, and if you both are trying to skip too quickly to the end, then the "main show" as you describe may not be fireworks.

I'm also not sure that every woman has the "shaking, writhing, fireworks" feeling. Have you thought about why this is your expectation, and are you able to change your expectations? You may find that if you change your expectations, and accept your orgasms however they may be, that the pressure may be off of you mentally and physically. I would suggest finding some new sexual goals, and see where they take you!

My last thought is: do you feel appropriately aroused? After being together for 10 years (irregardless if it was on & off), do you feel that your sexual repertoire is in itself "writhing with passion?" Do you feel that you are in a sexual rut or routine, or do you experiment with new turn-ons that are exciting or new to both of you (and not with the purpose of explosive orgasms)?

I haven't read this book, but it has been recommended at a few sex-education health conferences I've been to: The Best You'll Ever Have: What Every Woman Should Know About Getting and Giving Knock-Your-Socks-Off Sex by Shannon Mullen. (there is an entire section on "knock-your-socks off" orgasms for the woman!) :) If you do choose to read this book, I hope you'll let us know what you thought!

February 3, 2009 - 2:24pm
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