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Why is our intimacy going down the drain?

By July 22, 2010 - 6:20pm
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So my boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We recently started having sex a couple months ago and it was fine. I was the one who wanted to have sex and we have waited a long time to have it because he never wanted to do it before which I understand. My boyfriend and I have always been very intimate and he has always loved to 'mess around.' But in the past month my boyfriend really hasn't wanted to do anything, not even mess around. This is very strange for him and it concerns me. I asked him today why he never wants to be intimate anymore and he told me that he doesn't want to get 'tired of it.' What in the world does that mean!? It was kind of a stab in the heart to think that he doesn't want to do anything with me because he will get tired of it. You would think that after three years he would have gotten tired sooner. Then he said that he wants to chase me. He wants me to play hard to get instead of always asking for intimacy (which I have been a lot the past month). He still says he loves me and we are going to the beach together in a few weeks. I do no think he will break up with me but I just wanted some other peoples opinions on the matter.

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I can understand why you are frustrated! You have been dating your boyfriend (both mutually exclusive?) for three years, and NOW he wants to play games? He says he wants to "chase you", he does not want to "tire" of physical intimacy, and he wants you to "play hard to get". He wants you to "stop always asking for intimacy".

I have two thoughts about this:
1. Assuming the positive, that he is just a poor communicator, perhaps he wants your physical intimacy to be more interesting and to add some "spice" to the relationship. Perhaps he does not know any other way but to play these silly games that sound more like a fleeting high school relationship than a serious, committed relationship. How old is he? I'm wondering if he has been influenced by a recent movie, or his friends, or has received the message somewhere (family values, perhaps) that women should not be so forward in their sexuality. This is common, and if he could communicate with you that he believes women should behave in certain ways...then you two can begin talking about how this is a hurtful stereotype, and you believe that women should be able to express their sexuality (and have their partner WANT them to express their needs, desires and "wants").

My other thought, not so positive:
2. He is not communicating his true thoughts and feelings, and you can not "make him". What you can do is use this time to really listen to yourself: what do YOU want in a relationship? Do you want to play games after 3 years? Do you want to be able to express yourself to your partner, and let him know you are interested in sex or intimacy? Think about what your needs are, and if he is fulfilling your needs (beyond his gripes above). You only mentioned what HIS side of the conversation was, and it sounds like you are trying to please him and fit into what he wants you to do. You sound like a very strong, independent and thoughtful woman..what is YOUR side of the conversation? What do you want from a long-term relationship?

July 22, 2010 - 8:25pm
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