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Alison Beaver

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ask: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me????

By kelsk1781
 
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My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 3 years now, and are currently on a sex hiatus. We started having sex about after a year - I didn't want to regret my decision. And we don't have sex a lot, by any means, he has panic disorder and sexual stuff really freaks him out, but we haven't had sex since August of last year. It's really getting me down. I just feel awful all the time. Like, he doesn't want me anymore and all that good stuff. I keep trying to talk to him, but he keeps saying that sex isn't everything, and when I try to tell him how important it is, he doesn't understand why I get so upset. I just don't get it. It's not like I'm expecting anything that didn't happen before, but he just won't budge. And I know he's not cheating, because he works from home and is also super anxious about anything involving other people. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's getting me so depressed now that I don't want to do anything even remotely sexual anymore. Not unless it's sex - which he makes sure won't happen. Please help me! I'm at a total loss, here...

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Alison Beaver

Is your boyfriend interested in seeking professional help for his conditions? They sound very severe, and I hope he is able to open up to counseling (you may also wish to go with him, or seek counseling for yourself, to understand this type of mental health condition, as it is a strain on your relationship and self, too).

Let us know if you need help finding resources in your area.

March 4, 2010 - 2:39pm
wildtiger60

Hi kelsk,

Keep your head up sweetie.
Your boyfriend has a far deeper problem than what you or I could ever try to comprehend.
His anxiety that he experiences when it comes to sexual contact is much more in depth then just anxiety. There is a hidden key to the reasons behind why he is uncomfortable with sex.

There could be so many reasons for his conscience or sub-conscience fears of sex.

He may have been mentally brain washed as a child that sex is "forbidden" "it is evil" or "you will go to hell if you do".

Children that are raised by very religious people and being brain washed with these thoughts in your head will cause a serious impact on their future relationships. Something you have been taught your whole life is not easy to give up over night.

Another reason could be that he was severely sexually abused as a child which can devastate a child. Because of such a horrible experience it may be what is lingering in his head and its hard for him to relate sex as a good experience.

Men also have self conscious issues and self esteem issue that can also create anxiety. If men grew up not happy with their "manhood" and made a habit of self-inflicted mental abuse. If they aren't happy with themselves they do not believe they can make you happy.

You have to try and find the core reasons for his fears of sex.

Its called: erotophobia

An exaggerated or irrational fear of sexual feelings. The condition is characterized by feelings of guilt and fear about sex. Sufferers dislkike talking about sex, are less likely to engage in sexual relations and have a very negative view of sexually explicit material.

The list of signs and symptoms mentioned in various sources for Erotophobia includes the 9 symptoms listed below:

* Irrational fear of sexual feelings
* Feeling of panic
* Feeling of terror
* Feeling of dread
* Rapid heartbeat
* Shortness of breath
* Trembling
* Anxiety
* Extreme avoidance measures taken

You can't fix it by yourself. Whatever ever the cause for his anxiety will take a lot of help to reverse. The best you can do, no matter how frustrating it is, if you really care about him you have to understand the problem and support him through it.

Professional therapy will definitely help but I doubt it will be easy to convince him to try it.

i hope my information was helpful.
Its not you and never think that its you.

March 3, 2010 - 6:27pm
kelsk1781 (reply to wildtiger60)

:) You totally just made my day. And I try really hard to be open about it, but it's just hard, you know? I know that he's going through a lot of stuff with this, which is why in principle it doesn't bother me to not have sex for a while. I would just like it to be like.... existant at all? Even if it is scarce... Lol. And in a lot of ways, his anxiety and all that jazz has started to slowly dissapate since we started dating. I also think part of it is that I always try to initiate it, even though I know he's going to say no, and I end up getting my hopes up, and then I feel horribly rejected. But I guess I'd rather attempt it and have a very very slim chance of anything happening than to give up and not try at all. So... I don't know. Lol. But thank you so much for your comment! I will definitely keep it in mind! :)

March 4, 2010 - 10:27am
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