You know for a fact you’ve gained 15 lbs this year, but according to your friends, they don’t see your wardrobe tightening around you (yeah right!). Or your hair is thinning to the point you see your scalp gleaming through in the mirror. Maybe you have bald spots so large or so numerous that you can feel the sun and wind reaching for them. But according to everyone else, they’re not there, not visible. Sometimes you wonder. Could I possibly be imagining the number on the scale or the gleaming circle on top of my head where once there was hair?
You’d think it’d be reassuring, the possibility that you’re the only one who realizes you’re filling out or going bald. Actually, it’s maddening. As much as we might wish it weren’t true, we’re desperate for someone among those we trust to love us unconditionally to confirm what we know and to validate what we feel.
Now, imagine the same above scenario except that you’re also battling a life-threatening disease or you suffer with a chronic condition that compromises your independence and ability to move about freely. You’re losing your hair, gaining weight, watching your skin deteriorate or your veins bulge under your skin. Maybe you’re in a wheelchair so that everyone gets to look down on that bald spot on top of your head, and STILL they claim not to see it. Or worse, they act as if in the larger context, your appearance issues are insignificant and simply don’t matter. They’re wrong.
I’ve been there. I know. I believe you. And I want you to know, you’re not misguided for caring or for wanting to be and look the best you can, regardless of whatever else you are facing.
Susan Beausang, 4Women.com
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Thank You Susan. It is wonderful to see what work you are doing to help empower women to feel good about themselves in the face of challenges and adversities both personally and at a societal level. Having come from a family where my mom and 4 of her sisters had dealt with the ravages of breast cancer and resultant hair loss (among other issues), it is wonderful that you are bringing hope, connectivity and a fashionable solution to others so that they don't feel alone in their own personal struggle.
May 16, 2011 - 8:08amThis Comment
Hello Christen,
I am truly happy if my blog helps you to feel there is empathy and understanding for you. It seems that we humans frequently have a tendency to dismiss the emotions of others if we do not share their feelings, cannot imagine their situation, or simply don't know what to say. I think we can all think of times/situations in our own lives where we didn't want anyone to solve our problems, we just wanted someone to hear and acknowledge our feelings. Simply knowing we're not entirely alone (with our feelings) makes all the difference.
Thanks for writing!
May 16, 2011 - 7:24amSusan
This Comment
I want to take a moment to thank you for writing this! It really is so very frustrating to have a condition that is perceived by others to be unimportant or not of concern. In my own situation, I was diagnosed as being transgender with medical support to back it up after so many years. For others who see me, they could not understand the pain or struggle of having to live with a secret which no one could understand except for yourself - and to fear to bring it out into the open for fear of ridicule. Even with having the knowledge of the cause of how I developed this way (in my case it is also an intersex condition and was born variant), society still generally can not understand it and because I appear to be healthy and successful in life and career otherwise, I should consider others with "real" issues (eg., ones that can be seen physically) as having precedence. I came to the point of nearly calling it quits in my early 20's while still in college and pursuing a computer science degree at the time - the stress of having to live with the secret and the social stigma of this was almost too much to bear.
I thank my spouse for being understanding and for helping to allow me to understand this and myself more over the years. And yes, I can understand how the things unseen by others can take their toll on one's entire sense of self, being and their life.
We are all human and we all have self worth. We should all encourage each other to bring out the best in us all and to support each other!
Hugs,
Christen
May 13, 2011 - 11:14amThis Comment
Wow Susan!! I can tell you been on the receiving end as well. I was prompted to write this by a letter from a customer sharing her experience as a woman who is going bald on top of her head, confined to a wheelchair (and therefore all the more certain that everyone's looking down on her bald spot) and yet finding that she has no one just listen and validate the fact that she's going bald on top. I could relate on many levels. When I lost my hair, it didn't just thin or gradually disappear over years. It started coming out in handfuls -out of the blue - and at a fast enough pace that I went from a full head of hair to completely bald in just 3 months. And everyone denied they could see any difference almost right up until I was bald! It made me feel like I had no one I could talk to and trying was a waste of time.
Compassionate honesty. I'm all for it!
May 12, 2011 - 10:16amThanks for reading and commenting!
Best,
Susan
This Comment