It is difficult to go through my mind and remember how long I have battled with this disease. It is hard, because most of the time I do not want to remember. It started when I was 8, and a major move from the U.S Virgin Islands left me sad, and confused. I was born and raised in the U.S.V.I, and suddenly, I was moved away from all my family (in the U.S.V.I and Puerto Rico), friends and everything I knew.
I moved from the U.S.V.I to California. I can not tell you how much I was teased, and tormented in school. I looked different to the mostly caucasian and blonde majority in the school. I was called ugly, every single day. A boy beat me up for weeks, just because. My sister though, fit in. Even though she is Puerto Rican like me, She got my moms complexion and blonde hair. So I was left alone, with no one to relate to.
Suddenly, I began hiding my food under my bed. The horrible smell is how my parents discovered the food. Then I began flushing my food down the toilet. I didn't understand why I was doing this, all I knew is that I didn't want to eat. By 5th grade, I began cutting. Again, not sure why I did it, all I knew is that it made me feel better. I didn't know what Anorexia or Self Mutilation was. It almost came naturally. I was a straight A student until I moved to california. By 8th grade, my GPA was 1.5. My parents were furious. My sister had a 4.2. They didn't understand why I was cutting, why I was starving, why I was failing so terribly.
But I had just began fitting in. I had a lot of friends, a couple who were starving themselves as well, we gave each other "anorexic" tips.
Then, again, We had to move by the time I was in 9th grade. I was so upset. I had just started to fit in. I was even friends with some of the "popular" girls, even dated a couple of the "popular" boys. I thought, "this can't be happening again!".
My family and I moved to Maryland.
Surprisingly, I fit in right away, my grades started to shoot up--3.8 GPA. But still, I starved and I starved, getting more and more depressed, but doing socially well and excelling academically. And yet I could not stop. By 11th grade, I was hospitalized at Sheppard Pratt Eating Disorder Clinic ( I was seeing a therapist at this time who gave me no choice and sent me there). I was 87 lbs, 5'4".
The doctors there took my blood twice a day, and suddenly I was given anti-depressants (Prozac). I felt like I was in hell. I couldn't go to the bathroom without someone watching, couldn't eat without someone staring...and if we didn't eat everything (which was a lot), we weren't allowed to go outside, shower, or see our families. If we didn't make weight these things were taken away. At first I gained weight rapidly. Then suddenly, I stopped gaining weight at 95 lbs. I was doing everything they told me. I wasn't exercising, I was eating, and I was doing well!
Since I stopped gaining weight, they assumed I was exercising so they turned on the camera in my room at night and watched me sleep. I wasn't allowed to shower for 3 days. I wasn't allowed to see my family for almost a week. I wasn't allowed to go outside. and on top of everything, they wanted to seperate me and the only friend I had there from each other.
I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up losing it, and throwing a pencil at one of the nurses. I was restrained.
My parents had enough of this, so they released me. I left at 99 lbs.
I felt happy. But then, the weight started to come off. I attempted suicide 3 months after my release, and was hospitalized again at a psychiatric ward. I was there for about a month and a half. Then I attempted suicide again a 2nd time. This time at the hospital, I was able to get myself out of treatment by saying "it was an accident, I had a bad headache and took too many pills". They believed it.
Now I am out of highschool, I live with my boyfriend, I am attending school to be a veterinary technician (and hopefully one day a veterinarean). Unfortunately, I have only gotten worse. My weight is now 84.8 lbs at 5'4". I eat..but not enough. I stopped seeing my therapist cold turkey and stopped my anti-depressants by myself. They didn't help.
I do not feel depressed, but I still struggle with anorexia, worse than ever before. I want it to end. And I want to be healthy.
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