I don't remember when depression wasn't a part of me. My childhood was hell. I don't remember a day that I wasn't being beat-I mean hair ripped out of my head leaving bald spots-slapped-punched-beat with objects because her hand was hurting-and what was worst was seeing my best friend my brother tortured by her as well. She played mind games with us and actually had us believing we caused her to treat us this way My memories start around 4-who beats a child from day one-treats them like slaves-punishes them actually tortures them-cops were called by neighbors and good natured people but she lied her way out of it all made us go out of sight and never once do I remember being checked on by them the laws were so different in the late 60's and 70's. Mothers had all the power it seemed.My brother ran away at 15 lived with people on and off and lived nowhere but the streets most of the time-in Nov of 78 at 17 nowhere to stay and freezing he was found dead in his friends garage-he fell asleep in a car-trying to stay warm by running the heat-he was just 17-it was freezing outside I was 15 then i loved him more than I could tell you-I wouldn't have survived my childhood without him-we were everything to each other-we were so old for such young kids-we were each others everything-each others strength-it was me and him against the world-I left home then at 15 and stayed with my girlfriends family till 17-I graduated high school in 3 years-I went to nightschool and summerschool-worked full time at the same time-I got an apartment at 17 then I married a wonderful man at 18 and it seemed like all would be okay I still dealt with depression and anxiety attacks but it seemed like I could throw myself into my busy life and push the bad memories away and only have them get the best of me a few times a year-Well I've been married 30 years and my 3 boys are in their 20's now and the nightmares are overtaking me again anxiety attacks are coming more often and for the last year I sleep alot-cry alot-I used to have no memories of some of my younger years and it's all coming back to me it seems-I can lay in bed and watch tv or stay on the computer-I am losing all desire to live my life-My house is becoming disorganized-I push myself to wash clothes-clean the bathroom and kitchen-and make dinner every few days-Once or twice a week my husband makes me go with him and we grocery shop and do our errands if it wasn't for him I don't know if I'd ever go out-I'm so scared he's gonna give up on me-he's trying to help but I know he's getting fed up-I thank god for him-I've pretty much isolated myself from everyone-I have pushed all that were my girlfriends away-I have lost my will to be me-I feel have no energy or want to do things I used to love-I always loved taking care of my home and husband and kids-It seems like I lost all of my happy-and I don't know what to do I've always fought my way out of my depression periods before but i've been in this one for more than a year now it seems to have taken over me Days go by and I haven't done nothing at all-when will I snap back-I'm really feeling so scared and overwhelmed
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