It’s been 10 weeks, two days, four hours, and 13 minutes since I had my last cigarette. And trust me, those 13 minutes count.
I started smoking when I was 14 because it was cool. Even though I had asthma, even though I was a singer, even though I was not capable of running a lap around the track in P.E. without dry heaving, I loved it. People in my social circle did it, cute boys did it, and it pissed off adults that I did it. When I took that first drag I never dreamed I would smoke past high school. When I graduated I never dreamed I would smoke past college. When I graduated from college I knew I really needed to stop. But I never did.
Until 10 weeks and change ago, when I had the worst asthma attack of my adult life while on vacation in Colorado. I could not catch my breath and I stayed that way for three days. The day of my attack I had my last cig. Almost passing out from not being able to catch my breath finally put the whole smoking thing into perspective.
I love being a non-smoker. Now I can exercise without wanting to die. My senses of smell and taste seem to be restored. My hair, clothes, and skin smell so much better. It feels amazing to breathe and not wheeze.
But here’s the crummy part: even with my new found senses and great smelling hair, it is ridiculously hard to stay smoke free. Since I quit I have thought about smoking about 10,000 times a day. I have dreams about smoking. I try to make deals with myself like “I will just have one a week.” But I haven’t and I won’t.
Do I deserve a medal? Hell no. Am I an idiot? Hell yes. But I am working on it. So far, so good.
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment4 Comments
There's two ways to move beyond this final phase of recovery - conscious thought fixation - to reside here with us on Easy Street, Melissa. Time alone will transport you here, as new natural dopamine "aaah" memories gradually bury and displace those stolen by nicotine. Then there's honesty, reflection of the "truth" of each thought that keeps replaying, over and over and over in our mind.
You mention that one train of thought you've been toying with is "I will just have one a week." Like thinking about some nice juicy steak, such thoughts can linger in the mind for as long as we have the ability to concentrate upon them. But is it a true and honest thought, Melissa? Is it possible for you, me or most other nicotine addict's to smoke just one a week? No, it's nonsense. My name is John and I'm a recovered nicotine addict. For me, "one is too many and a thousand never enough." Although it may sound like some silly jingle or just another mantra, it's backed by science and a number of relapse studies showing that nearly all recovering nicotine addicts who take so much as a puff will go on to relapse. But why?
Just one puff of nicotine and up to 50% of our brain's nicotinic-type acetylcholine receptors will, with 8-10 seconds, be occupied by nicotine, creating a powerful dopamine explosion that our mind's pay-attention pathways will make nearly impossible, in the short term, to forget. Our mind will soon be begging for more and, although we may then and there think we have gotten away with it, relapse is all but assured. We'll soon find ourselves back behind bars, often smoking more than before. So why waste time lying to myself about "just one"? It's the biggest lie of all. Let it go, Melissa, as its a waste of time.
Joel Spitzer and Allen Carr have both written extensively about the lies we feed our minds as to why we smoke and both have FREE online books you can download (Never Take Another Puff by Joel and Scandal by Allen). Also, here's a short article I wrote that covers additional rationalizations, which I titled Tearing Down the Wall ( http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Thoughts.html ).
Know this Melissa, although at times it may feel like the rose bud has stopped opening we promise you it has not. Although nearly impossible to see, with each passing day the challenges are gradually becoming fewer, shorter in duration and generally less intense. Before long thoughts of wanting will become the exception not the rule. You're coming home, Melissa, and there was always only one rule ... no nicotine today!
John R. Polito
April 9, 2008 - 4:51amNicotine Cessation Educator
This Comment
John,
WOW, that is some heavy info, but awesome! Thanks for the support. I like the mantra "one is too many and a thousand never enough." I sort of said that to myself last night as I watched a pack of cigs fall out of my friend's purse and thought to myself "If I ask for and smoke ONE, I will immediately leave here and by a whole pack." Good thing I now prefer the natural dopamine!
~Melissa
April 9, 2008 - 2:48pmThis Comment
Melissa,
That's wonderful that you have decided to quit smoking, and have done so successfully for 10 weeks...yeah!
It sounds like you (and the many others who can relate to your story) are still having some struggles, and I wanted to let you know that it does get easier to handle the "10,000 times a day thoughts" and other emotions.
When we smoke, our brains change. Specific receptor sites in our brains actually CHANGE to accommodate the nicotine with each and every puff. Our bodies slow or stop production of the original neurotransmitter that these receptor sites were originally attended to receive (acetylcholine, for those science geeks among us!). Acetylcholine's job is to trigger the release of happy, relaxed, feel good chemicals in our brains. When the original receptor sites receive the nicotine from our smoking, acetylcholine production is slowed or stopped...resulting in not as many happy, relaxed, feel good chemicals in our body. So, on we smoke to replace these feel good chemicals with nicotine.
When we STOP smoking, it takes our brains awhile to CHANGE BACK to its pre-smoking brain and receptor sites. It takes TIME for acetylcholine production to pick up speed and tell dopamine and serotonin (the feel good chemicals) to get back in gear! So, with your brain having a lack of nicotine and acetylcoholine...no wonder your thinking of smoking 10,000 times a day! Your brain is craving some good stuff...but prefers 100% the self-produced good stuff (not the cancer-causing stuff!).
Hang in there! Your brain receptor sites will make some repairs on themselves over time, and the feel good brain chemicals will replenish themselves over time...diminishing the cravings you have to smoke.
By the way---what are your triggers (what makes you think about smoking)? What have you found to replace smoking (whether it is relaxing, stimulating or both). We want to know!
April 8, 2008 - 1:25pmThis Comment
Hi Alison! Thanks for the info. Glad to know my brain is repairing. It needs all the repairing it can get.
My triggers are mostly social. Having a beer is a HUGE trigger. It took me a few weeks to have a drink just because I knew I would take one sip and jones for a cig. I still have some friends that smoke, and when we are together I am used to the routine of going outside to light up with them so that is also hard. And then of course there is stress. I love how I still pull the "I need a cigarette" card whenever any dramatic event occurs, as if it's going to make me feel better.
So I am re-learning while apparently repairing. Yay for me.
~Melissa
April 9, 2008 - 2:43pmThis Comment