On Tuesday, I went for my very first pap test. I am 27 years old.
In December 2014, I was dumped by my boyfriend of 5 years. We lived together for just over 2, and had two cats together in our apartment. We struggled for years with out sexual compatibility. At first I thought that I was just shy, extremely inexperienced, an nervous. He was my first boyfriend and I was nearly 22 when we met.
After some time passed, I started to think I was just asexual. That sex did not interest me and that's why I didnt understand his 'need' or 'craving' for it. I would often give him head, ad we would do other sexual things to fill the gaps because I couldn't have sex. But we never really tried - I avoided it. We never really talked about it either.
About 3.5 years into the relationship, I started to come to the slow realization that there was something wrong with me. It wasn't just that I didnt ever want sex - I did feel horny, I did climax, I did watch porn, I did have desires. I coulnd't be asexual...could I. I wasnt really sure, but I realized that I had avoided penetration my whole life - not even using a tampon. I tried a Qtip and I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I just cried. That I could finally put something, anything, inside.
The next few months I worked on trying to be able to fit a penis inside. Very slowly and painfully I worked at it with a dilator. When me and my boyfriend tried to have sex, it was uncessessful. It hurt too much, and my pain caused him to lose his erection, which he was angry about. He had been so frustrated over so many years, his patience was out. After many more tries and many more months, when it seemd that we were at the end of the relationship, we tried it again and I was able to have sex until the point of his climax. My first 'real' time.
He dumped me that night.
Said I took too long to be able to do something, and I guess he must have been expecting that that would have cured all the problems he felt we had. He often said 'we are perfect except that one thing,' - referring to my inability to have sex. He put all the blame of all our faults onto me, disregarding his own problems in the relationship (eg. drinking, not being open, procrastination, workaholic, etc.).
I understand his frustration.... and It wasn't exactly rape because I let it happen. But he took emotional advantage of me. I feel used and cheated. There is much more to this story, but I don't need to go into that more.
The other day, 8 months after we broke up, I saw my specialist. He performed the Q-tip test on me and said I have Vulvodynia. I thought I had vaginismus, but we were able to do the full exam (although painful and embarrassing, with me crying like a baby the whole time).
He said that Vuvodynia is 5 times easier to treat than Vadinismus. I wonder if that is true. I had to buy expensive cream that isnt exactly a guarentee. I dont know how to feel. On one hand, I feel a little relieved, I guess, that something physical caused me to have pain. It feels good to know it isnt just all in my head, that I am not entirely crazy..... but I just keep thinking back to my ex. Someone that waited 5 years. No one will do that again. Not that they would have to wait that long I guess... I just feel hurt that I won't find soeone to love me, to see me through this, to help me, to care about me regardless. I feel like - why bother? Who cares if I am 'cured;? It's wrong of me to not want to fix this for myself, but I struggle so mcuh with it. I feel so much guilt about it already.... I feel the guilt that I made someone suffer through this before and therefore do not desreve to cure it....does this make any sense to anyone else.... ?
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