share: Living with an ocpd husband is wearing me out.
We have been married 25 years. The 1st 15 years he was addicted to drugs so I didn't notice the ocpd. The five years after that I was so greatful for the sobriety that the problems seemed small compared to the drug abuse problems. This last five years I have noticed patterns. This last year it is VERY clear we are dealing with OCPD. I feel like I am living in a minefield almost afraid to take a step. This last explosion I made it clear to him I can not take anymore bomb throwing. I also shared with him my belief that he is OCPD. He hasn't researched it but he tended to agree with me. (He knows he has perfectionism tendensies). He says he will do his best to quit bomb throwing. I am wore out - confused - want to help him - want to help me - not sure how to progress - sometimes feel like those bombs put too many holes in me... I beleive in God (Jesus) and the power of prayer. Looking for help - answers - suggestions ........
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Linda,
Welcome to EmpowHER, and thank you so much for writing.
Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder has a lot of different aspects to it. The best news I read in your question is that you want to help him and he wants to quit being the way he is. There's a lot of help available if the two of you will accept it.
I say the two of you because you have been so affected by his behavior over the years too. Have you seen a counselor or therapist just for you? Especially now, with the OCPD possibility? You need to understand your feelings, emotions and boundaries so you can stand up for yourself when he is angry or acting out. And he needs to find help too, in the form of therapy and/or medication. Might he be willing to do that?
Here's a good definition of OCPD:
http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adult-ocd/ocpd.htm
and a list of symptoms from the National Institutes of Health:
•Perfectionism
•Inflexibility
•Preoccupations with details, rules and lists
•Reluctance to allow others to do things
•Excessive devotions to work
•Lack of generosity
•Inability to throw things away even if there is not value in the object
And here is a self-assessment. Of course it's not a diagnosis, but it's an interesting exercise:
http://www.personalityone.com/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder....
The good news? There are a lot of good qualities associated with OCPD people. I'm sure you can name several strengths associated with your husband's personality. It's only when the need to be perfect takes over to such an extent that living life can actually become miserable (both for the person and/or for the people around the person) that we tend to see it as a disorder.
If your husband is hesitant to get therapy, perhaps a book would help. There are several good ones listed here:
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords...
Does any of this information help?
January 5, 2010 - 10:17amThis Comment
You have given me alot to think about. It is hard for me to find the fine line on when to speak up and when to swallow. He doesn't see the need for therapy and wishes everyone else was more like him. When he blows up he (sometimes) takes a step back and can see he has gone too far. I guess you can say he sees the negative and positive with this condition but thinks there are way more positives that far outway the negatives. Thanks for the encouargement. Being able to communicate about this is such a release. If I was going to buy one book on this which one would you suggest?
February 7, 2010 - 1:13pmI've done an Amazon search on OCPD and came up with a few you might want to consider. I am not an expert on the subject and these books are all different, so instead of picking just one I'd like to give you a link to the list:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keyw...
The very cool thing about amazon is that there are reader reviews with each book. If you click on the title of a book it will take you to the information about that specific book; scroll down and you will find reader reviews. That always helps me choose which book is best for me. I hope one of these seems perfect for you.
I also found one that is titled "Loving Someone With OCD" -- you might want to take a look at is as well:
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-OCD-Help-Family/dp/1572243295/ref=s...
Might you consider going to therapy for yourself? Especially to get some coping skills for those "bombs" that he can throw without notice?
February 8, 2010 - 11:28amI know my mother in law has it, I can't even speak of that - it'll upset me to much and then I'll go to far talking about it. But I would think in my minimal experience dealing with it, yes it is super super hard. I'm no expert at this subject though I would LOVE to learn more about it. All I can think to tell you is pray, pray, pray. See a therapist, they can prescribe you medication and more resources on dealing with this subject.
February 8, 2010 - 10:40amThere is an online forum at www.OCPD.freeforums.org This has been a big help to me as I explore my husband's OCPD. You will find all types of people there dealing with partners, parents, boy and girlfriends etc. Some choose to stay and some choose to pursue a life on their own but the information is helpful because you know you are not alone and not crazy!
July 16, 2010 - 11:33amAnon
Thank you so much for that link. It's readers like you who really step in to help others through your own experiences so thank you for that.
Also, please feel free to share your own story with us - it sounds like you've had some major exposure to this condition via your husband. We'd love to here more.
~Susan
July 17, 2010 - 11:14am