share: My boyfriend doesnt trust me.

Hi vashworth,

Props to you for opening up like that about your abusive past, you must really trust him a lot. That is a big step. Honestly in my opinion I would suggest you talk to him. Ask him if he is holding back, if so, ask him if it is because of your past. If it is so, well then I think it would be wise to talk to him about it and explain to him that it is YOUR past and does not concern him at all. You said he inquired about your past relationships. Anyone inquiring about their loved ones past (especially love life) knows that whatever is said after that point onward should be accepted. He cannot be mad at you for that because HE asked. And you being truthful, told him. Simple as that really.

I believe communication is one of the vital keys in any relationship. We cannot read minds, therefore we need to communicate what we feel or think. Ask him to do so. And encourage him to talk to you when something is on his mind or bothering him whether it concerns your relationship or not.

I hope everything works out well for you guys!

It may be best to stay focused on the positive aspects of your relationship, and the qualities you enjoy and appreciate about one another. Talk about the future and all the wonderful things you'd like to do with each other, rather than discussing previous encounters and issues from the past. I too was abused as a child for many years, and discussing it with boyfriends, only made them uncomfortable and dredged up painful memories - which interfered with personal relationships and my self-esteem. If he has a problem trusting you, perhaps he may not trust himself and is projecting it onto you. The best thing you can do is be honest and open, without divulging every little detail. Be obvious in your interactions, especially in front of others, that he is the one you love and choose to be with – empower him with love, appreciation and affection. Good luck to you!

The age difference is something that had held me up about being with him when it first started. I inquired about his past after his negative comments towards mine and he told me he has had past partners but wouldn't go into it with me. He holds back a lot and doesn't seem to want to tell me anything. I know he's not cheating and that he truely cares for me but I'm not sure what to do. I really care about him and want our relationship to last but I also want that intimacy that we have not had in such a long time. Thank you very much for your opinions I do appreciate it greatly.

Hi vashworth

Thanks so much for writing to us and I'm very sorry to know you had to suffer such abuse as a child. It must have taken a lot for you to share this with your boyfriend.

Am I understanding correctly that your boyfriend is upset that you have had other partners besides him? You are 22 so this cannot be too much of a surprise to him. Was he a virgin when he met you?

I know this sounds a bit strange but there can be a huge difference between a 19 year old male and a 22 year old female. Women mature at a much faster level so a three year age difference at this particular time of life can be like a 10 year gap at other times. It sounds like he may not have matured enough yet to accept that you had a life before he came along.

Unless there is a financial (your debt may become his upon marriage, medical reason (like an STD) or other reason (like a crime) I'm not a fan of divulging sexual pasts to new partners. The past is the past and if there were no consequences, the only thing that can happen is resentment or jealousy.

I would not bring these kinds of topics up to him again (I don't mean the sexual abuse topic) and unfortunately for him, he's going to have to accept that you had partners before him. He's simply going to have to "get over it" as you mentioned. You should not have to become some sort of prisoner to your past and quite frankly, it's really none of his business.

You have been through enough for someone who is 22 so please don't allow him to hold you back or guilt trip you about your past - I know you love him but he has absolutely no right to do this.

Let me know what you think and I wish you the best! You are only 22 so don't put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to a 19 year old boyfriend. He may be the one, he may not but his conduct is inappropriate nonetheless.

~Susan