I guess I do need some support.. Last night my Mom passed and I don't think I can handle it my heart feels like it has been torn from my chest..
Up until a month ago she was doing fine until a cold brought her to the hospital where they found she had secondary liver cancer. I am so not a nurse and I was extremely frightened of death and being around death . I did not know how I was going to deal with her passing. I thought what a horrible daughter, not being there when she needed me most. I prayed and prayed for her and asked for the strength to be there for her in her final moments.
My children are so far away it's impossible for them to get home and I really do understand that.
My sisters are so busy fighting over what is to be done I just feel like running away, they were not with Mom in the end and I hope they do not regret it later..
I found the strength for my Mom but I am not sure if I can muster it and get through the pain I am feeling in my heart..
Sorry to ramble on so..
Debbie
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Debbie, Honey you are so very very normal feeling the pain, the family being at odds...And Michelle has hit it on the head YOUR MOTHER IS STILL WITH YOU! I lost my dear Mother in 1971, I was not yet 30, then I lost my Father in 1988, just after my 48th birthday. Each time my Sister and I had a problem, I've always been there (here in Phoenix), she has lived away and was not here! Each time I have felt the sadness but then I did what I had to do, be strong and do the next step...then months later I would have my breakdown, tears that just wouldn't stop...Time goes by and the sweet dreams come, memories, smells, little things to remind me of my dear parent, or the feeling that one of them is just here....odd and wonderful all at the same time! We are human, grieve is necessary and no one does it the same.
I'm so Thankful that you found EmpowHER and reached out...by sharing YOU are helping someone and maybe WE can help you to know that YOU ARE PERFECT and no matter what you were lucky and blessed because YOU had that wonderful Mother and were there when she needed you most and your courage and strength now is a gift that YOU can share with YOUR SISTERS and others, as well as the tears which are the crystals of your precious soul bathing you!
Debbie, may each minute, hour and day bring YOU something that will be of comfort.
Asking for help is a very powerful step and you have taken it, other steps follow. Know that YOU have done just what YOUR MOTHER raised YOU to do....she gave you courage and strength and you are sharing with others from the EmpowHER community to YOUR SISTERS to all those who share your Mother's love and memories...
Feel the many vitual HUGS that are being sent to YOU and all the BUTTERFLY KISSES...
July 9, 2009 - 4:45pmRespectfully, Princeline
This Comment
Debbie,
So many good words said here today, but the best by far, (and brought tears of happiness) were these:
"And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it."
I lost my only daughter 2 years ago this coming August. I also was by her side. You were very lucky to be there for your Mom.
Take it one day at a time...sometimes in your grief you may find a strength you never knew you had. Life changes, and yes it
does suck at times, but you will be a stronger person in the end.
Bless you and your family.
July 9, 2009 - 1:23pmThis Comment
I am so glad for you that you were able to find the strength to be there for your mom (and you). My younger brother couldn't bring himself to be there while my father was dying until the last minute and he was grateful that he did find the strength in the end.
You do need to get yourself to spend time among loved ones and find ways of giving yourself to others. These, in my experience, are the best remedies (and time)
July 8, 2009 - 8:48amThis Comment
Debbie,
Please don't apologize for how you feel. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer.
I haven't lost my mom, but I lost my dad. I know the kind of pain you are feeling. It feels like a black hole somewhere in your gut that will never, ever be fixed.
When the grief is this bad, some people say you have to get through just one day at a time. But I say that when you can't think about getting through a whole day, you just focus on getting through one hour at a time. When it's 10, all you have to do is get through until 11. You don't have to think about anything else until then. When 11 finally comes, good job. You did it. And all you have to do is focus on getting through until 12.
At some point there will be a time when you can think about just getting through a day at a time. And you will cry a little bit less. And be able to breathe a little bit more. I promise you. It doesn't feel that you will ever really breathe again. But you do.
I think it is profoundly moving that you were able to be with her when she died. That was an answered prayer, wasn't it? You will always have that knowledge and that gift. You will always know that the strength came from somewhere. You will always know that when she was leaving, she wasn't alone. That in itself will help you during some of the rough times. Focus on the fact that you were there for her.
I think the first week after someone you love dies in some ways feels like a circus. It is a time when we want to be left alone to grieve, and yet here come these phone calls or flowers or decisions or visitors. And we can just barely deal with the fact of our loved one being gone, much less all this other stuff. It is almost as though the world set it up that way, though, to just get us through that first week.
Your sisters might be bickering, but that is how they are dealing with their grief. Each of us is different. They may be feeling different feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt. They may deal with their grief privately later. That's ok too. Don't run away, but don't feel that you have to throw yourself into the activities, either. You had an important time with your mom and that can comfort you.
And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it.
And in the meantime, just an hour at a time. Sometimes it's all we can manage, and that's OK.
July 7, 2009 - 9:01amThis Comment
Dear Debbie, I've not lost a mom but I've lost a best friend who was like a mother to me. I can only say how sorry I am for your loss. It's so painful to lose someone you love. I miss Marcia every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about her.
For me, I know Marcia sits on my left shoulder always. I feel her with me every day. Even today, I catch myself picking up the phone to call her. I do however, feel very blessed to have had her in my life for over 16 years. Life would not have been the same for me without my dear, sweet, warm and unconditional loving friend, Marcia. And for that, I will always be truly grateful for the time we had together. I will hold my memories in my heart forever as you will with your mom. I still recall all the fun things we did together and it makes me smile. In the beginning, every time someone mentioned her name I would cry and then as time went by, it seemed to subside. I'm sure your mom will live in your heart forever as well. You will find a way to communicate with her that works for you. It will take time. Time is your friend. Take some time for yourself and do something special for you, to help with your loneliness and pain. Whatever we can do to help you, we will. You can always find emotional support from our entire EmpowHer team and we all extend a virtual hug to you, Debbie. Let us know how you're doing. Take care of YOU right now. Go through the grieving process and take as long as you need. Every person deals with loss in their own way. You will find your way to help ease your pain and hurt. Maybe just posting on EmpowHer has helped you in some small way??? My heart goes out to you!
Big hugs,
July 6, 2009 - 2:44pmMichelle
This Comment
I am so sorry for your loss, Debbie. I cannot even image what you might be going through. I can tell you that eventually some of the pain will subside, though I know this is not much comfort right now, but keep in mind it is okay to feel the emotions you do.
There is no wrong way to feel. Sometimes you may want support, other times may call for solitude. Just acknowledge those feelings as you have today and time will help heal your loss, even if it never fully fades.
One more thing: Realize that is okay to tell your children, "I need you here." I live far away from my Mom, too, but if she told me she needed me, I would be there, even if for just an hour.
July 6, 2009 - 2:23pmThis Comment
Debbie, I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom passed a few years ago and although it was a long illness, it was still emotionally difficult. You have my deepest sympathies.
July 6, 2009 - 12:51pmThis Comment