Well, today is day two of knowing that I have genital warts. Last night was a little rough. I didn't sleep much, and the time not sleeping was mostly spent crying.
To some people it might seem like I'm overreacting, and I likely am. I've been stressed about a bunch of things lately (which probably didn't help the wart situation) and I'm low on sleep... I just... I've never liked warts. Maybe it's juvenile of me, but I've never had one and they've always seemed a creepy thing to me. I never wanted one. Now I've got a bunch in my nether-regions, apparently one quite large, large enough that my doctor is going to be sending me to a gyno to deal with it because it's too big for her to deal with herself.
At the moment, I feel like I never ever want to have sex again (which is saying something because I'm usually a big fan - have had marital difficulties because I'm a multiple times of day kinda gal and DH is more of a once a week-er). Frankly, I don't even want to leave the house. I phoned in sick this morning partly because I can't stand the thought of being around other people. I feel dirty. So dirty. I'm terrified of touching myself down there - not for any rational reason, I know that I can't get any other kind of warts from touching them, and I can just wash my hands afterward, but I just feel so dirty. Even going to the washroom I get all wary of wiping. I don't know what I'm afraid of, that wiping will make them multiply?
Part of my crying last night was one point where I starting irrationally panicking and wanting them off of me immediately. I won't be able to get in to see the gyno for at least a month and at the moment that seems a terrifying lifetime. Especially since I've read online that they can be difficult to get rid of.
I haven't seen the warts myself yet. I tried to get a glimpse yesterday with a mirror, but didn't look too closely. I think part of me is afraid if I do actually see them I will panic more. I know it sounds stupid, but I've always had this thing where odd textures could creep me out, and even skin tags have seemed creepy. I don't know if I can handle seeing warts, and in such an intimate place.
There's so many more things that run through my mind - for instance, sex... I would like to eventually get to the point where I'm okay with the idea again, but then, once the warts are gone (which could apparently take a while) I've read, and my doctor said, it's still wise to use condoms. When I questioned my doctor about that, she seemed to be saying that the only reason she was suggesting it is because she is MY doctor, not my husbands, and she can't say for sure that he has it (though, as I said before, he's the only one I've ever had any sort of intimate contact with and the only one I could have gotten it from). One, I don't like condoms. Not at all. Also, we had been talking about starting to try for kids in a little bit (which has a new element of scary for me know because pregnancy can cause wart outbreaks and it's possible, though not too common to pass it on to the baby). I just don't know how I'll feel if HE gets warts. I certainly don't want him to. Of course, I don't want to have them either.
I keep hoping this will all disappear... I feel like this shouldn't be my burden to bear. I know he feels the same... I guess that's the whole point of marriage though. Things get fused. What's yours is mine... even STDs.
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