Last week, Oprah Winfrey talked about "falling off the wagon" with her weight, and regaining 40 pounds in the last year or two. I was particularly interested because I, too, put on quite a bit of weight in the last two years and am now working to return to my former healthy self.
One of the things she said that totally touched a nerve with me was that she had fallen off her own priority list. In between her talk show, her school for girls in Africa, her radio program and her magazine, she had let time for herself slip through the cracks. Whether it was time to fix a healthy meal or just time to relax for a pedicure, she'd let it all dissolve into a bunch of 14-hour days and 7-day weeks. She's been aching for balance, and eating when she couldn't find it.
I think we women, as a group, seem just plain horrible at keeping ourselves on our own priority lists. Maybe we don't have a talk show or a magazine, but we have jobs, and children, and many things tugging at us for attention. We seem to find it very easy to put ourselves at the bottom of the list, planning to get to our diet, our workout, our journal time "when we can." And then that "when we can" gets more and more elusive.
My evil twin wants to sit on my shoulder and say "If Oprah can't do it, with all the cooks and personal trainers and assistants in the world, then who are you to think you can?" But my good twin on the other shoulder says, "Clearly, it's not the personal chefs and the trainers that make the difference. It's the attitude, and I can certainly do that."
I loved it when I was fit. I loved it when I could easily shimmy into my favorite pair of jeans, and slide my hands into the pockets. I loved it when I felt vital and healthy. And I want to feel that way again.
Why are we so at home at the bottom of our own priority lists? Why do our needs sit down there even beneath "run to the post office" and "make vet appointment" ? What does it take to get this fixed, once and for all?
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That is interesting, because I've also fallen into the trap of putting things on my calendar for myself, then if anything comes up with/for my husband, then I'm quick to re-arrange my calendar in order to do something with him.
The funny thing is, I blamed him for "making me" do this, and we had an interesting "discussion" about it. I had created such a story in my head that he was doing this on purpose (planning things for "us", when he "knew" I had something else going on); I had created this image of a selfish man...and realized, I was putting him in a lose-lose situation because I also wanted him to plan date nights. And, while there are men (and women) who manipulate relationships in the manner I described above, I guess an easy way to find the truth is to have a conversation with your significant other. When I spoke to my hubby about this, there was some arguing and defensiveness about it, but when I opened up and told him what I was struggling with, it was such a simple solution. We agreed to Thursdays as being official "date night", and we have a family calendar that we write in our appointments: whether they be doctor, massage, exercise class or just "me time". We both win!
The old saying "a body at rest stays at rest" is so true, and I've realized that once I write in a physical activity onto the calendar, I really do stick with it...because it is everyday! It may only be 15 minutes for a walk, or 30-minutes of vacuuming, or an actual 60-minute aerobic class....but this has helped me put MYSELF back on my priority list, and my family can SEE my plan for the day. No excuses!
January 13, 2009 - 3:20pmThis Comment
Awesome post and great thoughts!!!
Yes, why are we on the bottom of our priority lists?!? It doesn't make sense when you think about all who depend on us.
I've written a little on the site about how I've been on my own personal journey since my divorce last spring, trying to re-claim who I once was, and rebuilding my self esteem. One thing I did, as a gift to myself for surviving the divorce as well as many, many years of emotional abuse, was to get a membership at a massage therapy center to have two massages a month for this year. It hurt slightly financially to do this, but I felt like I needed to do something for myself and at the same time wanted to teach myself how to do something for myself and make myself a priority.
At first I really had to force the massages into my calendar, and it wasn't easy. And sometimes I'd cancel and reschedule my massage appointments as I struggled with my priorities and continued to put myself last. But, after several months I've come to realize how important these two hours a month are to me and my mental health. It's a commitment I've made to myself. And yet, just the other day I was making plans with my boyfriend to go out to dinner and realized that I had a massage scheduled for the night we were initially talking about. The rest of my month is already so jam-packed that I knew if I cancelled that massage, it would be several weeks before I'd be able to reschedule. At first I was so willing to give up my "me" time but then I stopped myself and figured out a way to make both the massage and dinner with my boyfriend work.
I guess I'm understanding that just like I schedule appointments with others, I need to schedule time with myself. And stick with it.
January 13, 2009 - 2:03pmThis Comment