Teens and sex : How young is too young to put your daughter on the birth control pill?
Most of us parents want to be grandparents some day. You know - that day. That far off day, when we have a bit of silver in our hair and our children have finished college and enjoyed a few career-driven years before finding a decent mate and making a home with them. We can enjoy those grandkids, help out a bit and watch our own children transition into mature parents who make the same mistakes we did, and hopefully do many more wonderful things to compensate.
But what happens when our daughter isn't done with college. When she isn't even half way through high school? And she tells you she's pregnant?
None of us will be happy. None of us wants our son or daughter to be a parent in high school. The statistics are dim. The percentage of teen moms who graduate high school is very low. College, even lower. The odds of them living at or below the poverty line are high and the odds of their own children being teen parents are also increased. Indeed, they are at great risk of having a second child soon after the first.
So how to we keep our kids from becoming parents? One way is to put our daughters on the birth control pill before she becomes sexually active. But most 13 or 14 year olds are not rushing to mom to tell her she's ready to have sex "so let's break out the pills so that we're all set!" Boys don't want to tell their parents either, so they use condoms incorrectly (or not at all), or believe that you can't get a girl pregnant the first time, or that pulling out guarantees she won't get pregnant.
And all of this leads to teen pregnancy and disease.
So do we insist on abstinence? Many teens will disobey that rule, whether we like it or not. And abstincence-only programs have not seen a decrease in teen pregnancy.
So we need to be involved. Do we put our daughters on the pill? What age is acceptable? 17? 16? 14?
We have decision to make, as parents. Do we tell our children that real responsibility is to not have sex until they can physically (pregnancy/disease) and emotionally (breakups/stress) handle a sexual relationship? This is essentially saying that abstinence is best. It's safe to say many parents feel this way about their young teens.
Or do we agree that sex and teenagers is a reality and that it happens - all the time. And unless we prepare our children (birth control/condoms) the alternatives are teenage parents, abortions or leaving newborns in a toilet stall.
Is there a real-life solution to the dichotomy of parents wanting their kids to abstain from sex, and their kids wanting to engage in it? Where is the line drawn? Is putting a 13 year old girl on the pill allowing her to take sexual responsibility, or is it giving her carte blanche to have sex anytime she wants? Will it teach her responsibility or will it set her up for failure? After all, parents think - taking a pill once a day is easy, until she forgets. And a 13, 14, or 15 year old will forget. And they won't care. And they won't get pregnant. And they are invincible and it'll never happen to them. Until it does. And if it's not pregnancy, it's herpes or HPV or HIV. Diseases that can maim or kill.
Many other parents believe that the pill (or condoms) are better than nothing at all. And if their kids are going to have sex, at least they'll be protected.
Tell Us
How do you feel about younger teens and birth control? How young is too young? Have you - or will you - put your daughters on the pill? And at what age?
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The pill does not protect against disease. Period. Only condoms do. Put your daughter on the pill and she might not get pregnant (if she uses the pills correctly that is, really the shot is a better choice because you don't have to be super responsible) but she definitely might get a disease. Children (and by this I include teenagers) do not think like adults. Their brains don't fully mature until they are in their 20s. They do not understand the risk that they might actually get a disease. When a girl is on the pill, she won't use a condom. Which is worse, an unplanned pregnancy in which older responsible people can be found to adopt the resulting baby, or an incurable disease like Aids. The much smarter thing to do, since you realize your daughter will be having sex and you can't stop her, is to provide condoms.
It is true that the pill does not prevent disease, but condoms can break. Wouldn't you want your daughter to have a backup plan? There are excellent sex ed programs in schools, which educate teens on stds/stis, childbirth, condoms, NOT using the pulling out method, etc. And just because a teenager's brain is not fully developed, does not make them completely incompetent. Many of them can perform the simple task of remembering to take a pill everyday and to use a condom. I cannot believe you are even suggesting getting pregnant is better than ending up with an std. Some stds are curable, and easy to detect with regular doctor's visits. My opinion is to let your daughter know she can come to you to be put on the pill, AND provide her with condoms. Teenagers know about diseases, and do not want them as much as anyone else. The smarter ones WILL use condoms too.
Not even condoms can prevent diseases. Most STD's are actually smaller than the holes in condoms. The growing statistics of teenagers with a STD are scary and they are definitely not decreasing. I think teaching sons and daughters about sex and the consequences at an age where they are mature enough to handle it, is the best idea. Parents must make their children realize the truth of sex and that they cannot think "It will never happen to me," because it is way more likely than most people realize.
Susan,
Great post. One of the things that has surprised me most in answering questions at EmpowHer is the alarmingly high number of questions we get from young people who simply don't understand the fundamentals of their bodies' reproduction functions. The misinformation they have about how not to get pregnant is alarming.
Whether sex education or abstinence education is used, there needs to be a higher level of information taught in our schools about How Things Work. Girls need to know how they ovulate, and when, and how to tell. They need to understand the signals their body sends them throughout the month in terms of their fertility, menstrual cycles and health. Young boys need to understand that they can, indeed, get a girl pregnant from just their pre-ejaculate, for instance. Everyone needs to know the proper names for body parts. And everyone should know how to use a condom correctly. It just makes basic sense -- they're easily available and kids are using them whether or not they know how.
As a parent to a boy-- I cannot say at what age I will put him on the pill because quite frankly, I don't think it will help him ;-) I can, however, say that I can only do my best to begin communicating about sex with my son at an early age. By early, I mean around 10-12. To some it may seem too early but I am not in denial, I was a teen not too many moons ago and I know that they are talking about it in school amongst their peers. By talking about it what do I hope to achieve? Not that my son will abstain from sex until her has graduated from high school but that if and when he does choose to have sex-- he does so knowing what he is in for. If he comes to me at 15 and says "I am ready to have sex" Of course I know he isn't ready but me yelling "what the hell are you talking about?! you are not ready!" is not really going to help. So if I need to, I WILL provide my son with condoms along with my two cents.
The last thing I would want is for my son (or daughter) to google a site where he could ask questions about dry humping and pre-ejaculation. If my husband and I cannot answer these questions without losing our minds, then we have failed him as parents. It is our job to guide them whether it is at age 2, 12, or 22. Once we have done our best to guide them if they still choose to make mistakes then there is really not much we can do but accept our children as they come--mistakes and all.